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Went to Kohl's today. In between work and Hospice Grief support group. Not sure why i did this except i had 45 mins to fill before the group started.  First thing i notice as i put the car in park nails look terrible..Paul wouldn't like this.  He always liked my nails manicured and polished.  Then i went in the store. The last time i shopped here i was picking out things for our Alaska triip. So, it felt like, what am i shopping for now? Nothing really.  No event. No special occasion.  Usually, if i bought something, i would bring it home and model it for Paul, and ask his opinion. But not now...i look through the sale racks..and a deep sense of longing comes over me.  Usually, if i were here, it would be at lunchtime, and we would be texting back and forth while i scour through the Vera Wang discount rack.  No, there is no more "surprise honey do you like it"?  Something so simple as picking out clothes has become so joyless. I did find something on the discount rack, and did buy it, but then putting it in the car, said aloud "why am i doing this?".  so many small things that you dont ever thing are going to affect you.  Manicures, shopping, looking at things in the mens section that you know he would like.  I came across a website the other day for the national marine museum..and startedc getting excited about a trip there..because "i know Paul would love this".  And then I remember he is dead. He cannot go with me.  so many things you don't expect.  Nails and Vera Wang tops and Museums. 

When does this stop?  A part of me wants it to, but another part doesn't want the missing to end.  It's torture..and yet, it is comforting at the same time

I don't know if this stops or is always a part of the missing. I just don't know.

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Comment by Jerry on June 29, 2012 at 5:26am
AEDforever, I feel I don't want the mssising to stop. It been 2 1/2 years that my wife is gone. I dont think about her as much as I had when she first passed away, and it does make me feel guilty. Last night I went to a local car show in a shopping center that we used to go to . I went with her in the summer of 2009 after she got out of the hospital .she was week and came just to make me happy. Last night I had to leave after 15 minutes,I missed walking and holding her hand. I have met a lady, a widow that i have been dating, it's been almost a year that I have known her. But I have told her although I like her, I don't feel love. I have been honest and have told her this. I liKe her as a friend ,so,far she is ok with this. I guess this is just my way of not wanting to,let go of my late wife.
Comment by AEDforever (Ali) on June 28, 2012 at 3:53pm

thanks ladies.  as you know..this is hard.

Comment by celestia (Suzanne) on June 27, 2012 at 7:40pm

(((ali))) The missing never goes away, but like the other ladies said it mellows. 

Comment by Lisa ( Marielee) on June 26, 2012 at 10:16pm

Ali- My experience is very similar to Dianne's. I am almost 2 years out and the longing is still there.Sometimes very strong and deep at other times though softer and warmer. My husband loved nature and just 2 weekends ago I enjoyed watching a mother duck w/ her babies and just remembered how much my husband loved animals and nature.Wished he was with me but I felt his spirit there with me to. It does get easier in some ways.  Sending you ((Hugs)) Blessings- Lisa

Comment by Dianne in Nevada on June 26, 2012 at 8:39pm

I think the missing will stay with us forever, Ali, but it does soften and change. I'm at 21 months and I still don't enjoy shopping, I only go when I absolutely have to. But I am getting out some socially - meeting friends for breakfast or lunch, going to shows - and when I do things now I actually feel I'm seeing and enjoying them for my husband. It's hard to explain - but when a little hummingbird kept flying up against the window of the restaurant I was at on Saturday afternoon and a mother quail and her tiny babies took a stroll through the bushes, I smiled thinking how much my Vern would have loved that. Same thing has happened on each of the trips I've taken. It hurt at the beginning, but now it brings a warmth to my heart ... because that's where he resides. You'll get there, Ali. I promise.

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