Went to Kohl's today. In between work and Hospice Grief support group. Not sure why i did this except i had 45 mins to fill before the group started. First thing i notice as i put the car in park is..you nails look terrible..Paul wouldn't like this. He always liked my nails manicured and polished. Then i went in the store. The last time i shopped here i was picking out things for our Alaska triip. So, it felt like, what am i shopping for now? Nothing really. No event. No special occasion. Usually, if i bought something, i would bring it home and model it for Paul, and ask his opinion. But not now...i look through the sale racks..and a deep sense of longing comes over me. Usually, if i were here, it would be at lunchtime, and we would be texting back and forth while i scour through the Vera Wang discount rack. No, there is no more "surprise honey do you like it"? Something so simple as picking out clothes has become so joyless. I did find something on the discount rack, and did buy it, but then putting it in the car, said aloud "why am i doing this?". so many small things that you dont ever thing are going to affect you. Manicures, shopping, looking at things in the mens section that you know he would like. I came across a website the other day for the national marine museum..and startedc getting excited about a trip there..because "i know Paul would love this". And then I remember he is dead. He cannot go with me. so many things you don't expect. Nails and Vera Wang tops and Museums.
When does this stop? A part of me wants it to, but another part doesn't want the missing to end. It's torture..and yet, it is comforting at the same time
I don't know if this stops or is always a part of the missing. I just don't know.