It's a fairground ride none of us want to be on, no big queues to get a seat on here, no rave reviews of how 'you have to take a ride'.
It's the Rollercoaster from hell, price of admission is the loss of your soul mate, having them ripped from your life in an instant.
It doesn't matter if you knew it was coming or not, that final parting is brutal and far far worse than anything you imagined.
It's like having a grenade detonated in the centre of your life leaving you alone, scared, bloody and torn in the crater left behind.
There are no guidelines on how to survive this frankly bloody awful new reality, well meaning folk will tell you all sorts of things but this journey is ours alone, different for every one of us on this bloody ride.
For me, I was numb for the longest time, I simply ceased to exist as a person in my own right, my only identity was 'Marks widow', I had no reason to live, my life lost all value and meaning on his death.
I nearly succeeded in following him, I didn't eat for months until I finally ended up in the hospital with a tube in my nose - there was no conscious thought process in my actions, I didn't intentionally set out to die, I simply lost the will to live.
Then there is the pain, the god awful pain that you get when your heart has been shattered and your soul torn in two, no anaesthetic can save you from suffering this pain, your mind does its best by letting it out in bite size pieces but it's beyond anything I can put in words - you truly cannot begin to comprehend until you have experienced it and I would not wish it on anyone.
So you exist for a while, it takes everything you have to just get through the days, to breathe, eat, sleep, it all takes more energy than you have - everything is too much effort.
Then gradually getting through the day takes less conscious effort, you just do it, not living life you understand but it no longer takes all your energy just to survive.
Slowly you start to be able to remember them without tears, without regret, to remember the love you shared and not just the pain of their passing.
You begin to think past 'right now', to tentatively think of a future that is so different to the one you had planned, it scares the heck out of you and maybe just maybe you start to think of a future with someone else, someone who isn't the person you expected to spend forever with.
That's a whole new area of fear, I mean who would want me? The only person that could ever love me has gone, it would be cheating on them, be disloyal, surely?
Maybe not, I think that shit happens for a reason, I was meant to be loved by and to love Mark but maybe there is a future for me with someone new.
Whatever happens from here I think my own personal Rollercoaster is slowing down, I have a way to go but am open to happiness, to love - my life didn't end with his, just a part of my life's journey ended then - I owe it to myself and to the love we had to live the rest of my life, to grab every opportunity and experience with both hands.
After all we learnt the hard way that tomorrow is promised to no one....