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Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

It's a fairground ride none of us want to be on, no big queues to get a seat on here, no rave reviews of how 'you have to take a ride'.
It's the Rollercoaster from hell, price of admission is the loss of your soul mate, having them ripped from your life in an instant.

It doesn't matter if you knew it was coming or not, that final parting is brutal and far far worse than anything you imagined.
It's like having a grenade detonated in the centre of your life leaving you alone, scared, bloody and torn in the crater left behind.

There are no guidelines on how to survive this frankly bloody awful new reality, well meaning folk will tell you all sorts of things but this journey is ours alone, different for every one of us on this bloody ride.

For me, I was numb for the longest time, I simply ceased to exist as a person in my own right, my only identity was 'Marks widow', I had no reason to live, my life lost all value and meaning on his death.
I nearly succeeded in following him, I didn't eat for months until I finally ended up in the hospital with a tube in my nose - there was no conscious thought process in my actions, I didn't intentionally set out to die, I simply lost the will to live.

Then there is the pain, the god awful pain that you get when your heart has been shattered and your soul torn in two, no anaesthetic can save you from suffering this pain, your mind does its best by letting it out in bite size pieces but it's beyond anything I can put in words - you truly cannot begin to comprehend until you have experienced it and I would not wish it on anyone.

So you exist for a while, it takes everything you have to just get through the days, to breathe, eat, sleep, it all takes more energy than you have - everything is too much effort.
Then gradually getting through the day takes less conscious effort, you just do it, not living life you understand but it no longer takes all your energy just to survive.
Slowly you start to be able to remember them without tears, without regret, to remember the love you shared and not just the pain of their passing.
You begin to think past 'right now', to tentatively think of a future that is so different to the one you had planned, it scares the heck out of you and maybe just maybe you start to think of a future with someone else, someone who isn't the person you expected to spend forever with.

That's a whole new area of fear, I mean who would want me? The only person that could ever love me has gone, it would be cheating on them, be disloyal, surely?
Maybe not, I think that shit happens for a reason, I was meant to be loved by and to love Mark but maybe there is a future for me with someone new.

Whatever happens from here I think my own personal Rollercoaster is slowing down, I have a way to go but am open to happiness, to love - my life didn't end with his, just a part of my life's journey ended then - I owe it to myself and to the love we had to live the rest of my life, to grab every opportunity and experience with both hands.

After all we learnt the hard way that tomorrow is promised to no one....

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Comment by Steve on April 30, 2015 at 7:19am
Hi Trudy. You wrote this so well. I have often said the same things to friends, therapist, comparing my journey to a roller coaster. Also feel at times, as though I'm peacefully walking on the shore when a "tremendous wave" of grief hits me out of the blue, drags me 2 miles out to sea, and in moments I am treading water, looking at my old life on the shore, wondering if I have the energy or strength to swim back again. I am six yrs out from mikes passing, but still, get hit with these waves from time to time. I'm always so shocked when they happen, thinking that I have made some progress in learning how to live without my partner, then, out of the blue, I'm faced with something that triggers the pain, and boom, I'm terrified, lonely, so sad, feel so incompetent, lost and just have to tread water in that pain for awhile. It used to take me months to recover, then weeks, days. i have made a lot of progress, made up my mind about 3 yrs into my single journey, that I wanted a happy life back again and began the slow process of rebuilding my life new. I'm hoping with my efforts and a little luck, I will find my way back to a peaceful, happy content life. I want to come to peace with my new situation, and hopefully find confidence and calm.

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