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The silence is deafening, the loneliness is unbearable!

Hello, everyone.  I am new to this club.  I lost my husband of 35 years ( 2 1/2 weeks short of 36 years) on May 8th, 2019.  Wow, writing that was hard!  I have a hard time expressing myself, so I will keep this short.  My husband was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer on Jan 30th, 2019.  He went fast.  In 36 years I had only seen him sick once, he had a very bad case of bronchitis.  I still can't believe he is gone, I am lost without him!  I have no support system whatsoever.  The last 14 months have been hell for me. I do not know how I am still breathing.  I have a son, but he is always so busy with his family, plus he is grieving for his dad just as hard as I am grieving my husband.   I can't function without my husband.  He is all I've known.   We were married young, and were very private.  We didn't have friends, all we needed was each other.  But now that I do not have him, what do I do?!  I am going crazy not having anyone to talk to.  I talk to God,  but sometimes I feel angry and stop praying.   The silence really is deafening, I have to blast my tv at home.  the loneliness is UNBEARABLE.  I do not know what is going to become of me, I do not see myself continuing with this pain very long, I will die of a broken heart.....

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Comment by Mary on August 16, 2020 at 11:08am

Hello, I have just found this page. I am not good at navigating the internet (or life on my own LOL). Very sorry for your loss. I lost my husband, of almost 40 years, Nov 2019 also due to pancreatic cancer. He survived almost 4 years after diagnosis. Those 4 years were both a blessing and a curse. Caretaking was another world of its own. But not to debate any pros and cons, it is what it is. It was good that we "joined" PanCAN dot org. It was some support during his illness and our involvement with the purple stride walks gave us a chance to involve family and friends. This year the walk will be virtual. I don't know how that works and besides, it was the being all together that made it a worthwhile event, in my mind. Right now I am not involved with PanCAN, it is too depressing. I may feel different at a later date. This Covid makes it all much harder. I used to go to our enclosed mall to walk and wander in stores. It got me out and about but now the malls are closed. I do not have much yard to work in and current heat wave. I did take a car trip to visit a widower friend in CO. That was quite empowering. I had never done a trip like that before. But now what? I have good and bad days/hours. I must do more exploring on this web site and figure it all out. Have I seen you on the Tues Zoom meeting? Sending you virtual hugs

Comment by Flo on August 15, 2020 at 10:49am

I am with you GlorWyo, and am sure majority if not all of us do.

It;s worse towards the evening when the rest of the world quiets down.  I've found having music in any room I go to helps with the silence, I save watching movies at night to keep my mind occupied, and I set aside time to read a good book too...but there are days when nothing is enough.

That's when I try to go out, social distancing observed, even briefly most days to go to stores, appointments, etc....and I'm thinking of driving longer distances as situations permit.  I visit or am visited by family members once in a great while, but I'm hoping as things get better to be able to socialize a bit more...it is just such a hard time to lose someone we love.

Just talk to yourself, and to your loved one in spirit, that this will get better....I talk to myself to not give in to self-pity and know that I have to rise up and move on, no matter how hard the road ahead is.  I lost my husband just this April 2020, I thought I found a bit of peace after I joined this group and realized I'm not alone in this journey...but the grief comes and goes....as they say, time will heal our hearts, we pray.

Hope this helps...take care and don't give up.

Comment by GlorWyo on August 3, 2020 at 8:33pm

EAZYTZ, thank you for replying to my post. My sincere condolences to you on the loss of your husband,  Good to hear that it does get better.  It just does not feel like it right now.  I took a week off from work last week.  I should not have.  I did not get any projects done around my house, had no idea how to do them.  I walked around my house in a big daze a lot.  Thank God for my pups, they forced me to snap out of my daze and take them for walks every day.  Wow, you really have endured many losses. I have not endured many losses, but the ones I have, have been the most important in my life.  The ones I loved with every fiber in my body.  My brother in 1998, my mother 9 months before my husband. I can't even explain what losing my mother and husband 9 months apart did to me.  Like you said, "Going crazy" is the best way to describe it.   I so wish I had ONE good friend.  It would help so much to have her visit, be able to call her when I am feeling down.  I have prayed for God to send me a good friend.  I know he will, I just have to trust him and be patient.  

Comment by EAZYTZ on August 2, 2020 at 3:52pm

ahhh  thats so sad - and understandable!

Im at 1 1/2 yrs (husband of almost 30 yrs  passed Feb. 2 2019)  I get how it hurts - its indescribable

I did feel that I would not be able to tolerate this pain - but the more I expressed it and wrote about it - it became alittle softer - more like a whispher than a scream!!!! 

Its missing the physical person that is excrutiating - as we were always touching, holding hands, kissing, hugging -     I was very lucky to have him and I know that - but doesn't ease the pain - in fact, makes it harder.

Its just one day at a time and I know that time does help - and distraction as much as possible - trying new things - finding new zoom meetings!!!!

appreciating friends and family (not alot of them but enough)

I will watch for ideas others have ------ and how they survived this part!!!!

(I have endured numerous losses, significant ones - parents, grandparents,brother, aunts, uncles  ----- my father was one of the hardest

that was in 2002 - I remember feeling like I was "going crazy!"

I thought it would never ease up but it did and actually I have internalized his spirit and really "feel" his presence when I need it

Im praying that I will get to that place with my husband.

Comment by Borntobehappy on July 24, 2020 at 5:28pm

Hi GloWyo,

Thank you for your kind words. After funeral and 6 mos, the calls and check-ins from family and friends have dwindled. There is so many realizations I've discovered. One of them is the grieving journey is mine alone to process, bear, heal and recover. Other members here say that the second year isn't easy but better than the first year. This Covid19 stay at home adds to isolation.

I have taken steps to begin rebuilding my life. I have done some gardening and home projects. Also, I reached out to meetup group for SF and peninsula widow and widowers in hope to meet new friends that understand the phase of life that I'm going through. It turns out to be a very nice group of people. It happened to be a regional group of Soaring Spirits. I don't know if you've reached out to your local region. I find connecting to people like us helpful in giving us moral support. We meet in zoom. I also volunteered to my local community gardeners. I will join them for the first time on Tuesday, July 28. We will be doing some gardening, weeding, beautifying our downtown strip. It doesn't sound much but I'm excited to meet new people and friends. I hope it will to add my circle of friends and back to social activities.

Also today, is Alex's 59 th birthday. It is 2nd birthday in heaven! It is a bit challenging in loneliness and memory lane. I went to church yesterday for first time to pray. Tomorrow. I will gather with his family for prayer mass and meal!

I thought I would share with you. I'm so happy to find this group. It is a place we're we can vent and be honest about how we're feeling. Let's keep sharing the happy and the not so, venting and praying.

We all lost our best friends, number 1 fans and shoulders to cry on...lol, 
Tomorrow will be better...

Thank you Lord.

mj

for first time next Tuesday, July 28

Comment by GlorWyo on July 23, 2020 at 6:46pm

Borntobehappy,  WOW,  Yes, I can understand now why you want to stay positive.   Your words have helped me more than you know. Let me explain.   Before my husband passed, he had an amazing spiritual experience.  And because of that, I know my husband is with God.  A few days before he passed I promised him to live in grace and make good choices, I promised him I would live my life in a way that is pleasing to God, because I want to see my husband again.  For you to write these same things blow my mind. It is as if God used you to remind me of this promise.   I have not been making bad choices. But I have not been trying to get closer to God, and that is much worse.  I think I was upset with God at first.   I Love God with everything in me, he comes before anyone or anything in my life. But I need to have a better relationship with God, and pray more.  I need to have faith and trust in him. I need to live for God, period.  Thank you so much for telling me your story.  Your Alex seems like he was an amazing man of God.  I believe your faith and Love for God, and your love for Alex will reunite you with him one day :-)

Comment by Borntobehappy on July 22, 2020 at 7:34pm

Hi GlorWyo,

Alex and I didn't get a chance to marry. We both were married, have children(now all over 18) and divorced. We have been together for 7 years, although we talked about marriage, some financial, custody/conservatorship issues and his eventual sudden passing from fatal fall/accident at work we weren't able to marry. I am still widowed and experiencing all the difficulties of losing a life partner. Everything you have expressed, I feel. I had such a struggle in the first year from missing my constant companion, confidant, best friend, lover, soulmate. What got me through the first year were my constant/fervent prayer, my hugging his picture, his old pajamas, pillows, going to grieving class, my family and friends and most importantly the knowledge that he loved me very much, second to God and him telling me that only death can separate us. I was holding & hugging his pic )in a frame during his wake and funeral mass. I couldn't believe or accept that he passed one day after his fall. I was upset with the MD when he said he was brain dead and need to take him off respirator. I was dying inside and part/half of me died with him. Knowing how much he loved life, he's a man of strong faith, his favorite biblical phrase is" Rejoice, for this is the day the Lord has made, how much he loved me and never want to be separated/distant from me or ever want me to be lonely or sad gave me strength. I know he wants me to stop mourning, to pray fervently, to continue to live life happily, to keep moving forward inspires me get up each day and be useful! He was a man who like to keep busy in two ways only. This is either working hard or busy enjoying...We we're so close even when we didn't speak about our time of death, we always see each other as a couple made in heaven. I was a gift to him and he was a gift to me. We belonged to God, and what God gives, he takes at time of God's liking! These are words that are very hard to accept, I'm crying and asking God to help me, to take my loneliness, to make right choices, to live in grace as I wait for my time to be taken home. I'm sorry this is so long. I hope you have a better understanding why I want to stay positive, return to a happy life as I had Lives with my Alex. I can't let him down bec we both have strong faith and our first love is our God. Pls know that I'm here to support you quietly and praying for all who are grieving. Wishing you the best, MJ 

Comment by GlorWyo on July 21, 2020 at 5:46pm

Hi Borntobehappy, I am sorry for your loss.  I too thought of myself as a strong woman, till I lost my husband, I am happy that you are staying positive.  How long were you married, if I may ask?

Comment by GlorWyo on July 21, 2020 at 5:39pm

Hi DIWT4E,  Thank you for replying to my post.  Yes, it is unbelieavabley awful not having a support system. Soul crushing is a great way to describe it!  I am so very sorry for your loss.  I can tell your wife was your world, my husband was mine as well.  I too walk around in a complete daze, all the time.  It is good that you have your wife's friends to talk to if you need them.  To think of your wife's friends in your time of sorrow, and offer to be there for them if they need anything is very kind and thoughtful of you.  When you say you cry so uncontrollably bad that you can't even talk,  I know exactly how that is...I have a lot of those moments as well.   You said you could have written part of my post word-for-word. You too have written some things that describe what I am going through or feeling as well. Like " I'm just existing and not living anymore"  "The grief, the guilt, the loneliness and sorrow are indescribable" I don't know how I have made it this far....My God, and my fur babies, I believe.  The "waking up alone, going to bed alone, eating alone,  and alone and on and on"...that is exactly my life, every single day! whether I live one more day, or many years, I think that is what my life will be.   The thought of being on this earth without him for years to come, gives me the worst anxiety.  I try to tell myself that I am still alive and need to continue living, it is so hard though, I just can't snap out of this.  I do want him go be proud of me though...so I won't give up, and I will continue to take it day by day.  Thank you for offering an ear. I too offer my ear to you, or anyone on here that needs to talk to someone.  I may not have the best words to say to someone right now, but if all they need is an ear to listen, I am here.   Take care of yourself, and I too hope that you find a way to help you, and ease this unbelievable pain!  

Comment by DIWT4E on July 18, 2020 at 4:16pm

Hello GlorWyo

I wanted to write and let you know that your post almost could have been my own. You mention not having any support system whatsoever.  I am the same way. No friends of my own at all, no children and no family left either on my side or my wife's. I fully KNOW people have absolutely no idea how soul crushing this really is unless they have lost someone as well. I've lost family members, but a spouse of decades you truly worshiped, and now with no one left for any support really, is so different. My wife was everything to me for 35 years. She was my link to life itself, and actually she is still what is keeping me going. I'm really glad you have a son but I can understand not wanting to bother him and trying to be strong for him. I have a few of my wife's friends but I hate to bother them as they have their own families, lives, and problems. You said "I can't function without my husband.  He is all I've known.   We were married young, and were very private.  We didn't have friends, all we needed was each other.  But now that I do not have him, what do I do?!  I am going crazy not having anyone to talk to." That - I could have wrote that whole thing nearly word-for-word, only she did have friends, including a BFF who has been very helpful to me when I call or text. I think I am a link to her best friend. There are a couple other friends of hers and everyone says I'm not a burden, but I feel I am. I text them just to know that I am here FOR THEM if they need anything. I am glad that lately I haven't had to call anyone. Those times are so bad that I really can't even talk I'm crying so uncontrollably bad. You wrote "The silence really is deafening," That is certain - just walking around where I live, in a complete daze. Waking up alone, going to be alone. Eating alone. And alone and on and on and on. I too turn on the TV - or Google home which is comforting in a weird sort of way.  You are absolutely right - the loneliness is indeed UNBEARABLE. What is keeping me going is that I know she would not want me to give up, plus the fact that I want to make her proud of me. I think she would have handled my death in such a better way, and I always though it would me first. The grief, the guilt, the loneliness, the sorrow is indescribable - just like the say, there are really no words. I'm just existing and not living any more. I really and truly hope that you find some ways to help you - and if you want to ever talk ... I'm here and there are so many nice people here. Its amazing reading some things people write - like yourself. Thank you.

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