I've just had some friends visit for an overnight visit. These dear people have been coming here every couple of years after a visit to her brother further north of me. It is nice to have visitors but oh how quiet the house seems when they are gone. Last night we had dinner and sat and talked and talked and talked and tonight I am here alone again. Hard not to be sad that there is no-one here with me. Sigh.
The time away with my family flew and now it is back to routine, getting the outside of the house cleaned of webs etc settling the garden down for winter, raking up the last of the leaves. I don't have any deciduous tress apart from the two mulberries so that is not a big job. But there is plenty to do after a three week absence. No snow here but if it is a bad winter there is always a chance of a frost or two.
Friends are asking me now when I am moving. I guess I will move eventually but just for now I want to stay in familiar surroundings. I know I may feel differently in the middle of winter but for now it is nice to sit on my verandah in the sun mid-morning and see the trees nearby changing color and knowing I don't have to rake the leaves falling from them...lol. I love to sit there for a while reading or doing handwork. It is nice to think that Ray and I used to sit there quietly with him doing endless find-a-word puzzles and me reading the paper or writing letters. It is a good memory to keep.
In the last of the sunny days of autumn it is good to air the blankets and bed covers and just get prepared for more time indoors. I have plenty of wool for knitting and crocheting so making sure I have plenty of reading matter is my next move. I can be snug as a bug as long as I don't have to go out into the cold too much. Of course company would be nice and I know I am going to feel lonely sometimes but I know now I just have to get used to that.
I think I am becoming reconciled to being alone. I have thought it would be nice to have company or a companion, but I think I would rather have a visitor occasionally than have someone live in who I would have to look after and please. I found living with my son and daughter in law for a week that living in a household where others set the agenda is not for me either. I know some people can do that and do move in with grown up children but I will resist that for as long as I am able to.
My friends did talk about some of the older mutual friends who have gone into care now. We go thirty years back so we are talking about people I have not seen for a long time and it is hard to picture them now as old rather than the middle aged couples I knew. But that's life, we age and change and eventually the care situation is ahead of us. Accepting change is hard but not so hard if we can just "go with the flow" and take life one day at a time.
I know my life is slowly changing now and I have to take a hand in that and direct as far as possible what is happening to me. I am finding it hard and second-guessing some of my decisions but in the end they do have to be my decisions and ones I can live with.