So this will be my 17th blog I'm about to write...and that is hard to believe. I love reading them back though, its a reminder of how my journey has gotten me here... and with all honesty, as crazy as this is about to sound......
I am really enjoying 'here' right now.
I am not ready to share this with all of the family and friends yet, not even close...but it's too good to keep to myself, so I am sharing it with you fine folks.
My life's journey involving Craig has been nothing but a whirlwind. Years ago, he swept me off my feet and stole my heart away. My life with him was special, rare, wonderful and too short... but it provided me with a son. When losing Craig, I thought I lost my heart forever and would never be able to love again--after all, without the heart, how can one love? However, when Jack was born, my heart returned-and I have so much love once again to give.
Months following Craig's passing, my focus was solely on learning how to be a mom, and getting to know this little boy that was created out of our love, but without the very man that helped. I cried lots, especially when nursing. I resented anyone that thought I could just magically find a new love---or in their words "a new daddy". Clearly I was not ready to entertain the thought of dating. My love went straight to my son, and I could tell his went straight to me. This is the reason I am here in the world. THIS LITTLE THING RIGHT HERE. How humbling.
I spent this time stationary on my path... reluctant to move, reluctant to heal or feel.
At about month 4 I decided to snap out of it and realize already that it is impossible to have a marriage with a dead person. Jack was really thriving, and it was about time for me to thrive too. I started focusing on my yoga and meditation, walking the dogs, and I even registered for Camp Widow. I was really moving forward through this grief and making my way-- I was on the path to getting better. I was never a person to stand still and let life control me... I've always wanted to take charge of my life.
Here we go...
A month before Camp Widow East I decided to finally bite the bullet and sign up for one of those dating sites. Apparently I was ready to entertain the idea of dating again. lol. ---one thing I can be very proud of, is throughout this whole strange new life w/o Craig, I've never let anyone sway me in any direction, I've always followed my heart/gut----
I was maybe on the site for a week or two sort of figuring it out when it happened--the unexpected turn. I noticed him, noticing me, so I sent him an email. It seemed to be too perfect to be even a remote bit true. A man, ..my age, ..widowed, ...and a father,... in my province??? Must be a scam,...I'll send a short message just to see what'll happen.
Wasn't long until I got a reply. :)
A friend of mine, also a widow, told me when describing her new relationship "the beginning never really feels like the beginning, does it?"
It was roughly 2 months ago that I got my reply from mister wonderful and I very much remember how I felt about it. We spent the first few months continuously emailing one another, opening our hearts and minds to each other. So many multifaceted, deep, vulnerable conversations all without hearing the voice to the words, and yet I felt a connection... a true connection. That was a remarkable feeling.
A mother/son connection is truly the most amazing bond I've ever felt (and its just the beginning)
but after losing the most important connection in my life--this new found connection felt unreal (and its just the beginning)!
I have since met mr wonderful in person, and he truly is just that... super wonderful. He is kind and caring, sweet and funny, respectful and responsible and I love every moment I get to spend with him!! We even had the opportunity to set up a play date with our kids, and the interaction went brilliantly--and I am telling you, once I saw the way he was with his kids, it was over for me. hahaha...seriously, so endearing.
I have not felt one ounce of guilt being with him and that tells me something. It tells me that THIS has got to be the beginning..the beginning of something.... and it feels incredible.
I know dating after losing a spouse isn't necessarily easy, and I am sure it has all its own challenges, but after meeting mr wonderful, I know how right it feels. We haven't discussed our 'status' situation because we agreed that taking things slow is the way to go, but I think he's feeling the same way as me---or at least I hope so!
There's a lot of advice out there given to widows, to experience a few different relationships, & to date multiple people at once-keep your options open sort of thing....
but is it at all possible that I won't have to?
that perhaps I got it right, and stumbled upon something awesome on that rediculous dating site?
perhaps, yet perhaps not.
I guess time will tell.
but like I said whatever this ends up being between him and I down the road, I know that we are truly enjoying it right now. And with my husband's life motto in my head 'you only live once' ...I want to continue to enjoy all of these wonderful times with my new guy and not worry too much about all of the challenges of dating again. I am just happy to feel this alive again. To feel this happy again, and to share this happiness too, and at this stage in the game, there is NO ONE else I'd rather journey down this path with. He and I are traveling roads unknown and I like the thoughts of having him by my side.
I am definitely feeling hopeful for the future.
peace and healing to all of you
jack & I --->thriving!--------->