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The Unknown Journey, 3 Months, 4 Days In

    Ok, here's my story:  Just having celebrated our 35th wedding anniversary, I lost my love, my best friend, my soulmate, my lifebonded partner three days before his 56th birthday in November.   In seven months, we went from everything looking good and in the clear to losing him from metastasized colon cancer. Our son got married in November and my beloved lasted until the day after the wedding, which is what the hospice team felt he was trying to do, live until our son had married .  They, however, assured me that they couldn't guarantee that they could keep him alive as they felt he only had days left.  We had come home from the hospital on hospice but did not know we only had ten days left together. Three days after we were home, the hospice nurse had to tell us the bad news about how short our time really was.

       To say we were in total shock was totally inadequate.  I felt like we had been pushed off a cliff.  Up to the last couple of days in the hospital, we had held on to tendrils of hope offered up by the oncology team.  The physician had desperately been trying to get the Opdivo company to send medicine as, at that time, it was not approved for colon cancer.  

     Losing my heart right before his birthday, the holidays, and starting a new year without home has been an rollercoaster ride with abysmal drops. I have been reading "The Saturday Night Widows" by Becky Aikman and when I read about this site in a magazine article, Good Housekeeping I believe, I wanted to see what it was all about.

     You see, I don't want to be the tragic widow, the one who makes her coupled friends uncomfortable or worse, scared of me because I have started a journey that they have a fifty fifty chance of having to go on themselves.  I have also realized that I don't have any nearby friends my age who have been down this road.  I'm glad, I don't want to lose anymore of the people I love.  

     My family has been my rock on this very Earth.  I know I would have never survived this far without them. These are not just empty words and I am so ashamed to admit this but there were times last autumn, that I thought about how, if I drove my car off the road, I wouldn't have to deal with what I knew was coming.   Yes, I was a coward in every sense of the word, despise me if you will.  But from God, I received the strength I so badly needed to be able to care for my husband in the hospital and bring him home to be with his family in familiar surroundings.   He, thankfully, went very peacefully, literally there and then not there, in a matter of seconds.  

    So there it is.  I am trying to rebuild myself around the emptiness in my soul.  Having wrapped my head around my loss, I know my heart will never heal.  

 

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Comment by Sarah on April 18, 2016 at 4:25am
Dear sunfeathers, I lost my beloved soulmate and life partner bruce on February 9 of this year. I did not think for the first month that I could live without him and had hoped that I would not wake up every day for the first six weeks. I understand how you felt I understand the pain and suffering I do know that occasionally some days are better than others and I pray that you have those. I too would not of made it without my three children that they don't live nearby they check on me and come when they can so I am glad you had that because without that, life can be even more difficult than it is at that time. I pray for your healing Sarah
Comment by Callie2 on February 15, 2016 at 1:15pm
Sunfeathers,
So sad, I am sorry for the loss of your husband. We just don't expect these things to happen, especially at his age. I can fully understand the shock. Grieving is a roller coaster ride, but we do have to allow ourselves to work through it--not easy! Don't worry what others think, take care of you and be good to yourself during this time.

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