This site is run by widowed people, for widowed people

Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

The “What Ifs” and “Should Haves” Will Eat Your Brain

This quote by John O'Callaghan is something I'm really trying to hold onto. There were so many signs that something was really wrong with S but we just thought he had the flu. Oh, how wrong we were.

Today, the signs that I missed keep coming back to me. Not just today, it happens quite often actually but today it has been especially haunting. Little things that I missed keep coming back to me, things he said about how he was feeling, my reactions to him. I thought he was just being a man baby about the flu. I can't tell you how much I regret that.

It's too late now. I can't go back and change the past and I never will be able to. To focus on things that could have been done or should have been done had I known does me absolutely no good. I can't save him. The fact that I had a chance to save him but didn't know he needed saving is not something that will bring him back. Focusing on this, letting it haunt me only makes me feel worse and increases my anxiety.

I have been trying to focus on all the sweet conversations we often had, on how often I told him I love him or showed him I love him. His last full day in the hospital, when we thought he was getting better and coming home soon, I gave him a very tender and loving sponge bath. He was falling asleep and saying how good it felt. That is what I should focus on. That was a beautiful experience for both of us.

I just need to keep bringing it back to the loving and tender moments and hopefully those haunting moments about what more I could have done that only hindsight can show you will become less and less. I have to stay on top of that because I can tell that it really will eat my brain if I let it. It will also eat my stomach and make me sick.

If S is still around somewhere out there, I can guarantee that he isn't concentrating on what I did wrong. I have to tell myself that so I that one day soon I won't either.

Views: 279


You need to be a member of Widowed Village to add comments!

Join Widowed Village

Comment by lizbeth4 on July 5, 2016 at 8:05am

I have replayed the "what if's" many times!   He had a bad persistent cough.  I tried to get him to go to the doctor's but he said he would be okay.  He never liked going to the doctors.   6 months before he had to have stents put in both legs and he wasn't going back and he had had enough.   Well the coughing when into not being able to breath.   As we sat in the ER, I thought he had pneumonia.   No, stage 4 lung cancer.   Devastating!   He lived for 2 more months if that is what you want to call it.   In and out of the hospital.   Reduced to walking with a walker.   Laying in a bed with no energy.  I know that I did the best that I could and that I couldn't have stopped it.   He knows that he was loved.  I believe it was his time to go.  I do regret the stupid arguments we had in the past.  I wish I could go back and just erase them all!  

Comment by Qwerty on March 17, 2016 at 3:58pm
I have so much guilt about not telling him enough before he got injured how much I loved him and what he meant to me. I told him a millions times during the months he was in hospital but I have so many regrets from before. Life is so precious and I took it for granted.

And it's funny as what should have killed him he survived what eventually he died from most people survive so I feel like maybe it was fate that he was meant to go, but that doesn't make it any easier at all. I feel like I've been punched in the stomach, why him, why us. I love him so much I just wish I could tell him again.
Comment by SweetMelissa2007 on March 17, 2016 at 9:13am

Yup. The shoulda, coulda, wouldas will do exactly that. But its quite common when trying to understand death; its what we do.

I feel for you in having to go through it. I just wanted to beat myself up over it everyday but there was nothing I could've done to prevent a car collision. It was not his driving I was ever worried about, it was the road rage drivers & that's how it happened.

For me, what it came down to was Bob was going to die on that day at that time no matter the cause. I wasn't suppose to see it or interfere w/his destiny. Coming to terms with it all is a long process -you'll get there.


Comment by Hope on March 17, 2016 at 9:00am

I understand as I sometimes think should I have asked more questions of him as he seemed to be out of sorts...I understand the man baby thing as sometimes he too displayed those characteristics so I think he was reluctant sometimes to complain but in the end, I know it was to be what it was. Let go and focus on what you shared that was positive and loving and lovely. You did your best. We all did. Thinking of you

© 2019   Created by Soaring Spirits.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service