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Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

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We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

"THE PAST HAS NOTHING NEW FOR YOU."  (I get that- Old memories to think about tho)" MOVE ON."  ( but where do I move!?  How?!) must be   written by someone who has no idea what they are talking about!!Not a widow or widower-- do i just forget about the past & merrily go my own way?!.......what do you think????

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Comment by MrsRichieD on July 20, 2014 at 8:48pm
Sometimes, I think that when a well meaning person says something like that, they just want us to be like our old selves so they don't have to worry and we can, perhaps help them! Like everyone here says, we have so much work that takes so much energy, we have to just come to places like WV where we can work it out together.

Wouldn't it be strange if someone said to the mother of an infant, "It's not that big of a deal if ... Get on with it, hurry up and get that baby into school so you can be your old self again."
Comment by missmyhunny on March 30, 2014 at 12:49am

I think "moving on" for people that haven't had their spouse die are somehow uncomfortable to be around the fact that death does happen to us all at some stage, and do not want to think about or feel like what that might be like, because after all they can only imagine if they haven't yet been through it.

I think they would prefer that after a while of us being in our new state of bereavement that we should be able to pick up and find some happiness in our life again, and i think they would prefer to see us with a new love because that is more exciting than having to think about death. After all we are a death denying society, and death makes most people very uncomfortable, and most can't seem to integrate that life, (physical), and death go hand in hand, we can't have one without getting to the other. So most people want to compartmentalize death and put it far away in their mind, because it is just too painful to even contemplate.

As far as Memories go, they are the mental pictures of a life that we shared with someone that was a very significant part of our life and love. We re live our memories because it is our connection to that love we have lost for now in the physical life, and it brings us comfort to remember, as well as sorrow initially, and it is the way we integrate that person into our present, and that we can eventually come to some kind of resolution with that phase of our life in going forward. They will always be in our heart and soul and a part of us, because they are a part of the interwoven tapestry  of the total sum of our lifetime too.

Comment by Marsha on March 26, 2014 at 9:43am

Personally I do not believe we should forget the past. I am a little over 3 years out and the memories in the beginning of this journey could bring me to tears. Now the memories can bring a smile to my face. As with any relationship and more so with our spouse, love and suffering the loss of that love is complicated. I have found the memories both good and bad have actually brought me closer to my husband. We were not perfect and with the memories I can now see my fault in some of the not so good memories. The good memories have shown me how very lucky and blessed I was to have him in my life and how much he truly loved me. So the memories are helping me to grow, are showing me how very human he was and amazingly why I fell in love with him and how very much I still love him. This is part of the process in healing. As for moving on I think we move forward and grow as human beings by our new found understanding and compassion.

Comment by my roses on March 26, 2014 at 4:34am

My roses

Moving on is a statement that I have only heard from people who don't understand and never experienced

the searing loss that most of us have.  Again I am not sure that the past does HAVE NOTHING FOR YOU. As time goes on we can often realise certain events and things we did and gain further insight, realise something new from it. They do not realise that YOU CANNOT JUST FORGET THE PAST.  You can review it, learn from it, enjoy it, but you cannot forget it.  The more I read from the theorists and counselling perspective the more I feel that most of them have not experienced this kind of searing grief.  I was looking at a website that talked about grief and divorce. (I know it is not the same) but the list of things that one was told to do to move on!! was very superficial.  Go out and get yourself another love, so you can forget your ex.  Even if this relationship does not last beyond a few months... it will do you good.  What rubbish.After getting up the courage to do so, getting entangled and then possibly losing that person would be a real mess.  The list of  how to move on... was also about dating and what  did men( or women mean) when they said  certain sentences at the first meeting.  The list went on, yet nothing spoke to me of deep loss  and love such as described on this website.  Also looking at the amount of things people are doing on WV to MOVE ON... and are still in pain etc  shows that  there is more to this than most people realise.  I do tend to think that love is the only real answer, the regaining or restoring of a loving relationship, feeling cared for and relief of stress.  Not battling on alone with issues.  I got a long distance ph call today from a male friend of ours... very concerned about my grief and state of health... but saying I had to move on.

I explained that this Love of your Life loss is a searing, tearing event which is like no other loss. I think  it is really is an experience of the scriptural  tearing of  "the one flesh".  Last week I went to a concert with a widowed friend and it was Daniel O'Donnell, Irish singer,dancer and comedian.  I laughed at his (non sleazy) jokes - they were so funny.  I have not laughed for about 3 yrs (caregiving/stress/ etc)   I think one of the best things we can do for a start - is protect ourselves mightily from  'the must move on brigade".  How do they know what it means to move on?   Move on to me is like a police officer waving his arms to get you to drive on in your car. 

 

 

 

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Comment by laurajay on March 26, 2014 at 2:32am

Cathy.  I have read that the essence of our grief work is to look at each and every memory of our deceased  spouse and one by one take each one to think about it, relive it and then place it  in our memory where it will take a permanent place.  So where the past may not be new each memory thought about is solidified into a permanent memory and that is new. Processing grief is new and necessary.  A non widow just has no knowledge or understanding of the vast energy this demands nor the time it requires. Moving on is just part of the same activity.  Keep remembering and place the memory in your heart for safe keeping.  I believe as we do this we will be moving forward...on...whatever. Time  that four lettered word that we move through as we mourn our losses.  All is well.  We may not move merrily or we may...but hard work is the role we take on, isn't it?  Maybe if we accept the role after the hard work will come the applause of victory...with it's blessings.   laurajay

Comment by only1sue on March 25, 2014 at 7:23pm

I don't understand that saying at all.  I have learned most of my life lessons in the past and I review the past to make sure I am on the right track. And as for moving on?  Moving forward I can understand.  One step at a time and slowly at that.  But moving on?  I don't think that is at all about widows /widowers.  

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