Members

This site is run by widowed people, for widowed people

Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

I have two thirteen year old boys! Yep two of them, twins. Their dad was killed a week after their thirteenth birthday. I am not sure when the right time to loose a dad is, but I am thinking a week after turning 13 isn't great timing! I also have a 17 year old son who is mostly human and is thoughtful and does even contribute in a positive way. Back to the 13yo's, I am so glad it is a stage. I do remember that 14 comes after 13 and 14 can be just as bad, if not worse, but again I keep reminding myself that it is just a stage. We made it through the first son, I can make it through the next two.

Over the weekend, their uncle, my husband's brother, took them camping. Neither wanted to go. Both were just about dragged out of the house but Uncle and I insisted they go. There were tears and stomping and whingeing. There was some tough love and some firm management. But we insisted that they go. They need secret men's business.

Living with teenagers, and parenting teenagers is a lot like living with toddlers. Terrible twos and threes become terrible thirteen and feral fourteen. They have temper tantrums, mood swings, a growing sense of independence, yet are not grown up yet either. They eat a lot, but have finicky tastes. What they eat in bulk this week is rejected out of hand next week. They scream and yell and tell you that you make their life miserable and that you have no idea about them. Then the very next day, or even late that night, they come crawling into bed with an "I love you mum" and occasionally an "I'm sorry". It is baffling and confusing at times. I am learning to greet the little human glimpses with joy and love and acceptance (even if I am still smarting from the fight previously). 

I remember speaking to my mum, a high school teacher, one day when the twins were little and having the horrifying realisation that they would one day be 13 together. It was a terrible thought. My husband was a strong man, and a firm parent. He was probably too strict at times, well I used to think so anyway. (it was one of the recurring fights we used to have - he thought I was too soft, and I thought he was too hard). Despite that, I had him and he had me. We helped each other parent. It never occurred to me that I would get the terrible 13's and feral 14's on my own!!!!! AND to add to that, a wallop of grief and a dose of trauma. Half the time I don't know what is normal 13yo behaviour and what is grief. I may not have a husband anymore, but I still have men in my life who are becoming the "village". I am discovering that I need to cultivate and grow that village of men who can help guide the terrible ferals into wonderful mature men one day.

Oh, and those terrible 13yo's who didn't want to go camping, didn't want to go home the next day!

Views: 101

Comment

You need to be a member of Widowed Village to add comments!

Join Widowed Village

Comment by SweetMelissa2007 on September 19, 2018 at 4:23pm

(((Miss Em))

There are more types of therapy other than Talk Therapy. My son was in Play Therapy from the age of 11-13, most all of it was constructing Legos to resemble his grief,  his father's car collision, etc. His therapist interpreted their meaning to help him identify & understand his emotions to move forward in resolving them ...

My daughter used Art Therapy also to interpret her grief/state of being ...

Self harm did not start till years later from the trauma not being addressed properly. The mood swings are from not knowing how to cope - they can become more demonstrative or silenced. As they age, they become more private. Shutting you out will become a problem in not knowing what they are doing as well as far more apt to dismiss any type of therapy ...

Comment by Miss Em (Emma) on September 19, 2018 at 2:42pm

Thanks SweetMelissa, I totally get where you are coming from, but if the child/teen is not ready to talk, is there any point? Ie I can make the appointments, drag him down there, but I cant make him participate. we are only 6 months in so far and there are no signs of self harm or other disturbing behaviour. It is more mood swings and foul tempers. For now I am watching and monitoring and sewing the seeds of the need for therapy. 

Comment by SweetMelissa2007 on September 19, 2018 at 8:01am

Not till I addressed my own trauma from Bob's sudden death in a car collision as well as our kids in providing specialized therapy for trauma did their self destructive behavior from grief stop ...
Kids are not as resilient as people want to think. They do things w/out others knowing about it ...
A normal 13 year old goes through phases, however, grieving teenagers have grief as a major issue. They lack far more experience as well as information than adults on how to process it. It is highly recommended their grief be addressed by seeking out professional help to prevent issues that can stunt their growth emotionally to becoming a well adjusted adult ...
Unfortunately, the first counselors recommended by the court for our kids were neither specialized grief therapists or experienced w/trauma. They also called it a tween phase until they learned of their hospitalizations from suicide attempts. Much to my anger, they then, agreed w/the grief specialists at the psychiatric hospital in their correct assessment of "trauma & complicated grief" ...
There are scores of people who did not learn till late into adulthood how trauma from the loss of their gender parent at a young age has continually affected their life ...
If you are not a mental health professional, please do not attempt to assess your child's state of being or think their grief can easily be resolved w/activities. Many adults make costly time consuming mistakes using common suggestions for everyone from literature or the internet that do not shed light on healing benefits, if any, &/or fit their personality/lifestyle. It is very sad when many return years later to say they have done everything suggested, but not taken a step toward exploring the variety of professional modalities to incorporate into their personal healing plan as well as providing it for their children who are dependent on their parent for help & understanding ...

Been there, done that ...

https://psychcentral.com/lib/children-and-grief/
https://whatsyourgrief.com/helping-a-teenager-deal-with-grief-2/

Comment by Miss Em (Emma) on September 18, 2018 at 2:57pm

Thanks Shelly - and for you too

Comment by shellybean on September 18, 2018 at 5:59am

Em, I am *SO* glad they (and you!) have then men in your "village" to help traverse these teenager waters. (((Hugs))) to you my dear!!! This too shall pass...

Comment by Miss Em (Emma) on September 5, 2018 at 3:26pm

I have currently lost all sight of the human in one of those 13yo's! He is the foulest he has ever been.
We will all survives, but it is so hard

Comment by SweetMelissa2007 on September 2, 2018 at 5:28pm

Sometimes, kids need a different place to relax their guard as well as an environment w/activities to be semi-alone w/their thoughts to grieve & have fun ...

All grieving people are apt to rebellious defiant behavior not only 13 year olds. It's posted here all the time by those who simply want to race on w/no meaning attached to it. Grief is what it is - a major turning point that over the years will eventually be eased into w/finality for a once beloved person. For now, your husband is alive & deeply loved in your heart & limbic system - it's a price we pay for love ...

Take it easy ...

© 2018   Created by Soaring Spirits.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service