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We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

It has been such a long time since I last visited this site. I felt guilty tonight for staying away so long...and then...I read the posts of those on their 5th anniversaries.

I, too, passed through yet another long, sad day on September 5th anniversary. I knew even from the start that, with time, the mind-numbing paralysis brought on by Rick's sudden death would ease. But when I look back, it amazes me how these 5 years can seem like 5 minutes AND 5 decades all at the same time! It makes me feel crazy. Do you feel that way as well?

I've accomplished many things in this time. I finished another academic degree. I received a huge promotion at work. I have tackled who-knows-how-many household breakdowns and car repairs. I look after my mother, sister, children, and grandson. I paid off debt and am good financially (whatever that means). I have taken art classes, volunteered for several groups, been to an untold number of family events, and traveled all around the country, South America, and back.

And then...when I least expect it...paralysis hits again. Some random weekend will come along and I cannot make myself get out of bed. I stare at Rick's picture while the TV plays in the background and wonder what he is doing...what he is thinking...what he wants me to do. And I ask him, "Are you proud of me? Am I who you think I should be? The BEST I could be...without you?" And I wonder...what the crap am I supposed to do with the rest of my life.

And here come those damn holidays again. I did much better in the 3rd and 4th years. But this one? I just don't know at this point. I wish I could just skip them this year. Just days away from Thanksgiving (Rick's very favorite 'grazing' holiday), and I pray that my spirits will pick up. I pray that truly 'owning' all that I have to be thankful for, all that God has given me, is enough to pull me out of this blue haze I've been in since September 23rd...the fifth anniversary. As I make all the traditional dishes he loved...the ones my children and grandson love...I struggle with wanting to get away from the old...force myself into the new. Something...anything to shake myself out of this fog.

So...there it is. Not a 'happy' post, just an honest one.

Real, raw, lonely.

I was never the type to go out looking for men, and I certainly don't see the point now. God sent me a truly wonderful man to love...for 32 5. In fact, He did such a good job that nothing I can do can top it!

Maybe...if God sees fit...He will send someone else into my life. A surprise...a gift...a treasure.

And if not...I will pray that I get an answer to those questions I've been asking during these days of paralysis...somehow...someway...from far above, or from deep within. "Are you proud of me, Rick? Am I who you think I should be? The BEST I could be...without you?" And if the answer is, "Yes"...well then...that will be enough.

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Comment by only1sue on November 30, 2018 at 3:24am

Hey Cindy, welcome back. I have just passed six years and sometimes is seems a long time and sometimes a few months back. I haven't passed a lot of goals but then I always take life one step at a time so maybe don't  look back a lot. I had a companion for a while, we were not close but good company when we did meet up but he died a couple of months ago and I travel on alone again. But I am strong enough to do that now and that is a blessing.

Comment by Choosing life on November 26, 2018 at 5:12am

Hi Cindy --- was randomly checking the posts on WV and saw your name.  You have accomplished so much in the last five years.  That has to be both a source of pride and empowerment.  And it gives me encouragement to keep going onward.  It's been five years for me as well.  Haven't posted in a several years although I do read what others post.  My current status is good.  Grief is always lurking in the background, and I have become comfortable with that.  I have more peace in my life.  The decisions I made five years ago have proven to be the right ones for me.  Bad days --- yep, they still happen.  But not every day is a bad day.  Anyway, so glad to see your post and happy for your progress.   Take care.

Comment by Callie2 on November 22, 2018 at 6:23pm

Good for you Cindy, you should be proud that you have accomplished so much in only five years!  

I hope you begin feeling more positive again. Holidays can be tough no matter how long it’s been! We’re always going to miss them and those memories seem to surface during this time of year. I guess we sometimes need to remind ourselves of the good things we have been blessed with in this life. It may not take away the sadness but it may help to focus on the positive.

Comment by Rainy (Misty) on November 20, 2018 at 7:58am

@Cindy  " But when I look back, it amazes me how these 5 years can seem like 5 minutes AND 5 decades all at the same time! It makes me feel crazy. Do you feel that way as well?"

I'm approaching the one year mark and it's sending me into a tail spin.  I could have written that line with a change in the numbers.... Your post today has made me feel validated and I want to thank you for that.  

Also, Cindy, well, I think you know the answer is YES!  (HUGS) 

Comment by Steve on November 19, 2018 at 10:04pm

Hi Cindy,  so sorry for your loss.  I am kind of in the same or similar spot.  I’m approaching my 10 year anniversary of widowerhood.  I’ve accomplished a lot as well.  I’m proud of what I have accomplished, never thought I could, without my partner Mike.  He passed 3 months after our 30th commitment anniversary, and I’m now approaching our 40th, as well as the 10 yr of his passing.  

When I say that, I just can’t belive it.  I too did better, good 4th thru 9th year of holidays, but the 10th for some reason I am dreading again.  He is on my mind constantly, and I know he has been around me a lot lately as well.  I feel he knows I’m again, missing him strongly.  I’ve had him blatantly let me know, he’s around, and I’m so grateful.  I’m amazed I’m still here, but I’m glad I am.  I was sure in the beginning I wouldn’t survive one month.  

Anyway, I’m trying to stay ahead of it, although I have no plans, I’ve taken 2 weeks off surrounding Xmas and New Years, NYs day is our anniversary.  I just want to take this time to be by myself, quiet, give myself time to chill, relax, I may go visit his grave, which I’ve only visited 2 times since his funeral.  

Anyway, wishing you peace and love and comfort in this time,

take care, 


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