It has been such a long time since I last visited this site. I felt guilty tonight for staying away so long...and then...I read the posts of those on their 5th anniversaries.
I, too, passed through yet another long, sad day on September 23rd...my 5th anniversary. I knew even from the start that, with time, the mind-numbing paralysis brought on by Rick's sudden death would ease. But when I look back, it amazes me how these 5 years can seem like 5 minutes AND 5 decades all at the same time! It makes me feel crazy. Do you feel that way as well?
I've accomplished many things in this time. I finished another academic degree. I received a huge promotion at work. I have tackled who-knows-how-many household breakdowns and car repairs. I look after my mother, sister, children, and grandson. I paid off debt and am good financially (whatever that means). I have taken art classes, volunteered for several groups, been to an untold number of family events, and traveled all around the country, South America, and back.
And then...when I least expect it...paralysis hits again. Some random weekend will come along and I cannot make myself get out of bed. I stare at Rick's picture while the TV plays in the background and wonder what he is doing...what he is thinking...what he wants me to do. And I ask him, "Are you proud of me? Am I who you think I should be? The BEST I could be...without you?" And I wonder...what the crap am I supposed to do with the rest of my life.
And here come those damn holidays again. I did much better in the 3rd and 4th years. But this one? I just don't know at this point. I wish I could just skip them this year. Just days away from Thanksgiving (Rick's very favorite 'grazing' holiday), and I pray that my spirits will pick up. I pray that truly 'owning' all that I have to be thankful for, all that God has given me, is enough to pull me out of this blue haze I've been in since September 23rd...the fifth anniversary. As I make all the traditional dishes he loved...the ones my children and grandson love...I struggle with wanting to get away from the old...force myself into the new. Something...anything to shake myself out of this fog.
So...there it is. Not a 'happy' post, just an honest one.
Real, raw, lonely.
I was never the type to go out looking for men, and I certainly don't see the point now. God sent me a truly wonderful man to love...for 32 years...plus 5. In fact, He did such a good job that nothing I can do can top it!
Maybe...if God sees fit...He will send someone else into my life. A surprise...a gift...a treasure.
And if not...I will pray that I get an answer to those questions I've been asking during these days of paralysis...somehow...someway...from far above, or from deep within. "Are you proud of me, Rick? Am I who you think I should be? The BEST I could be...without you?" And if the answer is, "Yes"...well then...that will be enough.