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Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

I was chatting with a new member here at the village. She said to me; I hate this new normal. I echoed the sentiment. It's the same sentiment I've said and heard over and over again since, Dec. 14, 2017. I contemplated my new routine. It seems as though I'm in a persistent state of war. It's exhausting.

My heart and mind constantly duel, to the point of both physical and mental exhaustion. Most days I act upbeat; I even fool myself for a moment or two. However, my private war continues to rage. Endlessly, a cycle of oppressive emotions assaults me. They ravage my sensibilities. I hate the feelings of grief, but this is not the new normal for me. It's grief; I'm grieving.  Grief is vicious, but without it, we can't move forward to find life on the other side. 

I won't be a victim of grief. What's left of my life shouldn't be a casualty to this war going on inside me. Jerry wouldn't want it for me, more importantly, I don't want it for myself. Personally, I think it's a choice. Do you want to wave the white flag and surrender to grief or do you want to battle on and breach the borders? God, is my general and I'm a soldier trying to follow orders the best I can.

Joshua 1:9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.

I have no idea how my new normal will look. I just know it won't be perpetual grief. Someday, the war will settle into a comfortable skirmish. The truth is life goes on if you participate or not. For the time being, I admit to being a non-participant. I'm busy with battles and taking time to reflect on what I need and want from my life. Like everyone else here, I'm marching to the beat of my own drum towards a new normal.

The best advice I've given myself is not to accept the early stages of grief as normal. I hope each one of us finds the motivation within yourself to keep marching to the beat of your personal drum towards a new normal.   

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Comment by Rainy (Misty) on March 17, 2018 at 12:06pm

Thank you Melissa, a learning experience is a nice way to think of it.  I am already so different.  

Comment by SweetMelissa2007 on March 17, 2018 at 9:51am

I'm sorry you're going through this ...

Grief will be part of everyday life till the very end. For me, it was not a battle that needed to be conquered or a competition - it was another learning experience (albeit major) as given in life to adjust, problem solve & come to terms w/the unfathomable. God wired us w/emotions - to feel everything - to interpret our experiences to answer the "whys". As the years waned by as they do, I found knowledge in the grief process that provided healing & a working understanding ...

I never gained much of anything to be fully positive about during that time - just glimpses of my life from the many insightful things Bob said. However, I did find gratefulness in as much consolation as it could provide then. One step forward, two steps back as has been said as long as humans have grieved losses ...

Who you are now will not always be who are - you're just recognizing the changes in yourself that grief has brought. This will be a space in time to look back on as a prolific process that brought meaning to your life to move forward - in so many ways if its allowed to. It hurts like hell, but do try to be open to it by putting one foot in front of the other when able as well as more importantly nursing yourself in the early years. My belief is God will provide even if we can't readily interpret it. I use to wish I could skip the crappola from my kids as they were grieving while growing up, but that all enlightened me further into what & how to handle events that were yet to come some were at crisis level. Helped me keep my sanity ...

This is the "new normal" & it will get better in God's time ...

Blessings ...

Comment by Rainy (Misty) on March 10, 2018 at 8:10am

Thank you all for taking the time to comment.  

Hoosier, I don't know your circumstances but I feel compelled to say to you, most of us feel guilty after a loved one dies (real or imagined), be it our spouse or another loved one.  It is normal, and it is something you have to learn to let go.  For a while, I've had to let it go daily or hourly.  It's been almost three months for me, and one of the best gifts I've been given is the release of guilt.  I am still finding it creeping into my thoughts but I refuse to allow them to linger in my mind. 

I hate to write like I'm some sort of an authority on grief, as I'm new to it and learning just like everyone else.   So, this is my opinion on guilt and I hope it helps you.  Guilt is just another obstacle to overcome in the journey towards the new life you'd like to build.  Overcoming an obstacle of the mind requires realigning our thinking to be on par with Gods word.  God, does NOT use guilt to make us sad and overwhelmed or add to grief.  I truly believe guilt after a death is normal, however not what God want's us to be thinking about.  I'm certainly not an authority on God's word either but it has helped me through the most awful of times to pray for the peace of heart and mind that is unique to me.  I have had to pray hourly if not more often than that in the beginning but now I can honestly say, I still have thoughts of guilt but they are fleeting as I stop and pray for re-direction.  The shoulda, coulda, woulda's will make you crazy if you let it.  Choose not to let it girl! 

Comment by Hoosier 28 on March 9, 2018 at 5:41pm

Rainy-Thank for your post. I agree that I have to believe that the grief Im in now is not my new norm. My husband died December 14, 2017 also. I still find myself carrying massive amounts of guilt. Looking for ways to let this go. Hoping it just needs time. Thank you again for your helpful post.

Comment by Thankfulheart on February 27, 2018 at 6:46pm

Wow! That is very well said .

Comment by Summergirl on February 27, 2018 at 6:44pm

Thank you Rainy.  I liked the scripture quote.  Always good to go back to Scripture.  Had a tough day today. Emotions up and down all day, intense loneliness and sadness.  Hub died almost 3years ago and lost my mom 1year ago yesterday.  When I am in the middle of it it feels like it will never end.  I have to keep,walking knowing that tomorrow will be a new day and hopefully better.  I want a new normal so badly but to get to the new normal we all have to walk this walk and it is not easy.  God bless 

Comment by Shoosie2 on February 27, 2018 at 12:06pm

Thank you , Rainy, for eloquently putting into words what I have been thinking over the past few weeks. My husband escaped his pain on December 20, 2017, and for the first month,  (or what I remember of it) was just like you said- a war within. And you stated exactly what I am feeling right now- I will not be a victim to this grief. I know the sadness will eventually ease, and I too will find a new normal.

Let the marching begin!


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