I was chatting with a new member here at the village. She said to me; I hate this new normal. I echoed the sentiment. It's the same sentiment I've said and heard over and over again since, Dec. 14, 2017. I contemplated my new routine. It seems as though I'm in a persistent state of war. It's exhausting.
My heart and mind constantly duel, to the point of both physical and mental exhaustion. Most days I act upbeat; I even fool myself for a moment or two. However, my private war continues to rage. Endlessly, a cycle of oppressive emotions assaults me. They ravage my sensibilities. I hate the feelings of grief, but this is not the new normal for me. It's grief; I'm grieving. Grief is vicious, but without it, we can't move forward to find life on the other side.
I won't be a victim of grief. What's left of my life shouldn't be a casualty to this war going on inside me. Jerry wouldn't want it for me, more importantly, I don't want it for myself. Personally, I think it's a choice. Do you want to wave the white flag and surrender to grief or do you want to battle on and breach the borders? God, is my general and I'm a soldier trying to follow orders the best I can.
Joshua 1:9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.
I have no idea how my new normal will look. I just know it won't be perpetual grief. Someday, the war will settle into a comfortable skirmish. The truth is life goes on if you participate or not. For the time being, I admit to being a non-participant. I'm busy with battles and taking time to reflect on what I need and want from my life. Like everyone else here, I'm marching to the beat of my own drum towards a new normal.
The best advice I've given myself is not to accept the early stages of grief as normal. I hope each one of us finds the motivation within yourself to keep marching to the beat of your personal drum towards a new normal.