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Kitty Cat Cocktail Hour... Yep this is my new normal

I Love my Backyard. It's not very big, but it was perfect for us. Toby and I worked very hard to make it into a backyard oasis. We wanted a place that felt magical, warm, and inviting. It took us many years to bring the little neglect home we found in 2001 back to life. Every year it looks more and more beautiful and takes on a magical essences that some days is breathtaking. 

We had no money when we were looking for our home. We didn't even know what we were doing!  We were only 23 years old and buying our first home.Our first very rundown home!  It was the best decision we ever made. Today, ironically, has been a very good investment for me now. I live in a wonderful neighborhood that has been revitalized and EVERYONE wants to live in my 'hood. We have hip bars, grocery stores, vintage stores, massage places, and cat specialty clinics that are a block away. 

I probably won't ever sell my house, because I truly love it. Even though in this first year, it has been at times, indescribably painful without Toby's physical presence with me. But sometimes, when my brain is clear and I allow myself to feel/see.......Toby is here with me spiritually.

This year, actually right this second as I write this on my laptop, it breaks my heart that Toby isn't here with me tonight to enjoy a drink in our backyard.  The warm breeze blowing. The hummingbirds making their yearly greetings as they suck down the sugar water. I miss him so much. I can't even believe i'm 35 days away from the 1 year mark. 365 days. D day.

This is what we, Toby and I looked like in 2013. The black cat I lost to a seizure in my arms 3 months after Toby passed. He was 16. Daytona, the dog I lost in January 2014 ,6 months to the day after Toby's passing. We didn't have any kids, so our rescue animals became our loving family.  I know it's not for everyone, but we loved these little critters very much.

I still have Jade(the grey ball who is 16) and Furr-Ari who is the tan leopard. 

Yup, yup, yup.... I'm horrible country song. Lost the husband, cat, & dog!

This is my new normal

This is what I call Kitty Cat Cocktail Hour.

I journal out in the backyard and drink my wine with our last two remaining cats.

Jade(left)16 yrs old and Furr-Ari 13yrs.

I'm slowly becoming okay with this.

This is my kitty cocktail hour. This is my new normal.

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Comment by only1sue on June 3, 2014 at 5:09pm

You do as much or as little as you can manage.  I find now that gardening fills my afternoons.  I do a chat on another site this morning (Wednesday) then have some lunch and in the afternoon it is gardening and sometimes some sitting and daydreaming if the weather is warm and sunny as it is today.  I don't push myself any more, I just do what needs to be done and then fill in with what I wish to be done. I am pacing myself more as I get more used to being a widow and being alone. 

Comment by IndiaKai on June 3, 2014 at 5:03pm

Thank you for your kind words.  I do love to garden, but it is harder by myself.  I find I haven't enjoyed it as much as I did when Toby was alive. I get pretty overwhelmed, but mostly.... I get lonely.  The back patio is still dirty and all the patio furniture is still covered in pollen.  The vegetable garden, I decided not to do this year, so it's all weeds right now.  My pots are still covered under leaves. (sigh) The neighbor cuts my grass and the photo above is the one thing I focused on this spring.  It was all I had energy for.  I'm sure my joy of gardening will return someday, just not this year. Yes, live day by day.... Last night I dined with cats. hahahaha... awe well... they made me smile sitting there all happy to have their own chairs. 

Comment by TracyB on June 3, 2014 at 7:45am

Your yard is beautiful! B and I were in the planning stages of fixing ours up. I've been doing some planting this year which has been bittersweet for me. I sit out there sometimes and imagine all the projects I hope to do over the next few years. I often end up crying out there knowing that we won't get the chance to do this together. I'm excited and sad at the same time. I feel the same way about never wanting to leave the home we had together. B renovated the entire inside of our house. He made it for us. As hard as it is sometimes I cannot imagine leaving what is left of him.

Comment by only1sue on June 2, 2014 at 11:00pm

You do whatever you have to do to make things seem normal.  Kitty Cat Cocktail hour sounds just fine.  I sit on my front verandah sipping tea and pretending my husband Ray (who died in September 2012) has just gone inside for something and will be back soon.  Life is what it is.  You do the living day by day in whatever way you can.  And when the time is right to move outside of your present circle you will know that too.

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