My darling, handsome husband,
It's been three months today since you left us. Three long months since I held you, kissed you, heard your voice saying, "I love you, my love." I don't even know how I've made it this far, the months have been a blur. I wake up every morning and the memories flood back, memories of the morning I found you cold in our bed and my nightmare began. Sometimes I still don't believe you're gone...but it's starting to really hit me that you are. We had to turn off your phone...luckily they were able to save your voicemail greeting for me, so when I'm missing you terribly badly and want to hear your voice, I can...and eventually I'll have to sell the truck. For now, it sits in the garage, waiting, like us, for you to come home.
There are so many things I wish I had said....like, "Thank you." Thank you for coming into our lives, for being such a wonderful dad to Randy. Thank you for slowing me down, for teaching me that the dust can wait until tomorrow. Thank you for being there for me through my grandmother's death and through my cancer. Thank you most of all for teaching me what's really important in life.
And, "I'm sorry". I'm sorry for every harsh word we spoke to each other...though they weren't many, I wish we could take them back. I'm sorry that we both were so stressed the last weeks we had together. I'm grateful that our last night was a happy one, like so many before. I don't think I could have survived if we had been arguing that night. I'm sorry that I didn't push you harder to go to the emergency room. I should have MADE you go. I'm sorry I didn't realize you were so much more ill than we thought you were.
There are still days when all I want is to go be with you, but I know you would want me to stay and be strong for Randy. I'm doing the best I can, but it is so hard. I miss you so much it's still unbearable at times. You were my heart and now I am broken. I just keep waking up every morning, because I have to, and somehow getting through the days. I'm trying to remember the good times, instead of that horrible morning. I'm really trying. I hope someday we can think of you and smile, laugh at your jokes and your silliness, instead of always crying.
I love you with all my heart. You were my whole world, and I don't know where I fit without you.
All my love, always,