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My darling, handsome husband,

 

It's been three months today since you left us. Three long months since I held you, kissed you, heard your voice saying, "I love you, my love." I don't even know how I've made it this far, the months have been a blur. I wake up every morning and the memories flood back, memories of the morning I found you cold in our bed and my nightmare began. Sometimes I still don't believe you're gone...but it's starting to really hit me that you are. We had to turn off your phone...luckily they were able to save your voicemail greeting for me, so when I'm missing you terribly badly and want to hear your voice, I can...and eventually I'll have to sell the truck. For now, it sits in the garage, waiting, like us, for you to come home.

 

There are so many things I wish I had said....like, "Thank you." Thank you for coming into our lives, for being such a wonderful dad to Randy. Thank you for slowing me down, for teaching me that the dust can wait until tomorrow. Thank you for being there for me through my grandmother's death and through my cancer. Thank you most of all for teaching me what's really important in life.

 

And, "I'm sorry". I'm sorry for every harsh word we spoke to each other...though they weren't many, I wish we could take them back. I'm sorry that we both were so stressed the last weeks we had together. I'm grateful that our last night was a happy one, like so many before. I don't think I could have survived if we had been arguing that night. I'm sorry that I didn't push you harder to go to the emergency room. I should have MADE you go. I'm sorry I didn't realize you were so much more ill than we thought you were.

 

There are still days when all I want is to go be with you, but I know you would want me to stay and be strong for Randy. I'm doing the best I can, but it is so hard. I miss you so much it's still unbearable at times. You were my heart and now I am broken. I just keep waking up every morning, because I have to, and somehow getting through the days. I'm trying to remember the good times, instead of that horrible morning. I'm really trying. I hope someday we can think of you and smile, laugh at your jokes and your silliness, instead of always crying.

 

I love you with all my heart. You were my whole world, and I don't know where I fit without you.

 

All my love, always,

 

Your Carolynne

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Comment by Doran on October 1, 2011 at 10:40am

Carolynne, tomorrow will be 3 months for me. We can play the what if game forever or we can let it go. There are so many things I should have done or should not have done but thats in the past.We have to look into the future because we have no choice. Keep living in the past and it will destroy us. Be strong stay well!

Comment by MsKris12 on September 29, 2011 at 8:35am
((Carolynne)) beautifully said
Comment by Marsha on September 28, 2011 at 6:47pm

((((Carolynne)))) you did everything you could for Rodney. You could not force him to go to the emergency room and it is something you need to let go of. It was out of your control. Rodney sounds a little like Bruce. I could not get him to go to the emergency room or take care of himself over the years. If I had been able to get him to take better care of himself and see the doctor even a year earlier he would probably be here with me today. You could talk to you were blue in the face and you got tired of hearing yourself. If our guys only realized they needed medical attention. I know in my heart Bruce did not intend to leave me and I know Rodney did not intend to leave you. Just wasn't something that was meant to be and it was their time to go. We are left with the beautiful memories of our wonderful husbands and to pick up  the pieces and try to rebuild our lives. You are right....you cannot make a stubborn man do anything. It never worked for me in the 32+ years I was married. So please let it go. Rodney does not want you to feel guilty about this. Your love was enough.

Comment by jean on September 28, 2011 at 6:06pm

((((carolynne)))))

 

Comment by rodsgurl09 on September 28, 2011 at 5:50pm

WOW, thank you all so much. Now I'm crying like a baby again out of gratitude for having all of you to keep me company on this terrible trip.

I did a lot of reflecting today, and I realized that I DID tell Rodney most of those things! I came home and went through old mementos, and I certainly did tell him...in Valentine's day cards, in Father's Day cards, and now that I think of it, in our wedding vows...I did thank him for loving us, for supporting us, for being amazing for us. I thanked him a lot! I feel really good about that. And we did say "I'm sorry" for most of those silly fights, there was only one time in our three short years that we went to bed angry, and I feel really good about that, too. So...although I've cried a lot today, and miss him with an agony I could never describe, I also realized that I don't have much to regret. I will always regret that I could not make him go to the emergency room that night...but who can make a stubborn man do anything? I am trying not to let it eat at me.

I'm babbling, apologies. The point was to thank you all from the depths of my heart for being here for me. I hope I can return the favor for each and every one of you.

((group))

Comment by ukladyeileen on September 28, 2011 at 3:09pm
I'm so very sorry for your loss Carolynne. Your loss is so new to you so just try to be gentle on yourself. You know that is what your husband would want. I think we all have to be grateful for the love we had & lost, it's made us who we are today. Although we don't feel very strong at first it will get easier. Not easy, just easier than it was in the beginning.  I am over 3.5 years now but there are days I feel like it was yesterday. We are all here for you so if you need someone to lean on just message us. ((((HUGS & PRAYERS)))))
Comment by Marsha on September 28, 2011 at 3:08pm
Beautifully said. You are in my thoughts and prayers today Carolynne. I pray you find peace. ((((HUGS))))
Comment by tom restored on September 28, 2011 at 1:47pm
You're in my thoughts and prayers today, Carolynne.  (((Hugs)))
Comment by Lisa (lost) Lamb on September 28, 2011 at 12:39pm
Thinking of you today Carolynne, ((((Hugs)))) and prayers
Comment by Dee on September 28, 2011 at 6:57am
beautiful, bless you today

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