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I consider myself a pretty even tempered individual, not prone to angry outbursts. But tonight I think I reached my limit. I posted a status update on Facebook that I borrowed from one of my widowed friends. This is what it said:

"I feel very sad tonight ... Sometimes I don't know who I'm most in mourning for, Matthew or the person I used to be when I was with him."  Lady Mary on Downton Abbey

I posted it because it really described how I feel right now. I don't even watch Downton Abbey although I am contemplating watching it on Netflix. *g* 

One of my friends posted this in response to my status: Hugs:) and maybe quit watching shows that make you sad for now, this comes out of love for you.

My reply to her:  I don't actually watch Downton Abbey. A friend posted this on their status and I just borrowed it. And not watching shows that make me sad would require me to not watch anything on tv. Some day you might understand but I hope you never have to.

I'm sure that every widow could write a book about insensitive things that people have said to them. I know I could. And most of the time I let those comments just roll off like water on a duck's back. I'm not sure why this one bothered me so much except for the fact that many things make me sad right now. Even things that would make most people happy like watching a couple walk hand in hand, make my eyes well up with tears. I am sad 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. The sadness never leaves me. And most times I can control that sadness so that I'm not crying in public. I save my tears for when I'm alone and won't be judged by anyone. Soon it will be ten months since Daryl passed away and I find myself becoming much more guarded about who I share my true feelings with. The reason being because many people feel I should be moving on....accepting that I'm alone...looking forward to a new life. You are kidding me, right???

And so I come back to her comment that I should stop watching shows that make me sad. Maybe I should just cover myself in bubble wrap and hide in a closet until I'm not sad anymore! That should solve the problem!

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Comment by RiseAgain on January 26, 2014 at 9:02am

Well I can relate. then I have to realize that many people actually think they are helping, and we can be so insensitive. Especially when it comes to drawing false conclusions from a sentence or a text. It is so easy to misread through these mediums of communication. I have gotten in arguments with my spouse for reading motives into a text.  Silly!!  Perhaps she thought you were quoting from the show, and was trying to encourage you to fill your heart with positive things.   I am beginning to realize the biggest problem I have in life has been right under my nose and I never knew it!!! That is my mouth!  When to just be silent for someone.  In todays day, it would be texting and emails!! Or messaging. I need to be slow to criticize and quick to listen! SO hard to practice. I hope you and your friend can push passed it. Victor

Comment by LaurieR on January 22, 2014 at 6:13pm

Hi Shelleyb

I think you are doing amazing. You have survived those first agonizing months.  I know everyone grieves differently but for me those first 4 to 5 months were what I have come to believe is hell on earth.  It does get better.  I am at 22 months and I just had the weekend from hell but I do have wonderful days also.

I am so very happy you were not in an anger phase because at that point you may have told your so called friend( who probably is your friend but is so dam clueless) to go F herself.

This site has been absolutely fabulous to share my feelings on.  Our "regular" friend have no friggin clue what we are going through but our widow friend are on the journey with us.  No one has an idea of what we are going through until it happens to them. 

Comment by Michela on January 22, 2014 at 2:59am
I can completely relate to your post, I was told the most inappropriate things following my husband's death, including a gem from a co-worker who said, 'at least you know where your husband is!' Seriously, I would prefer him alive and not answering his mobile phone than being buried in a cemetery. But, I just learnt that people who have never experienced this type of loss can sometimes be so insensitive and worst still, not even notice it!
Comment by Lisa (lost) Lamb on January 15, 2014 at 8:48pm

People the haven't lived it will never get it!  I was told the same thing and I also started putting on the fake smile and have learned to hide my tears. Now that I'm  2 years and 8 months out I decided I'm not going to be forced to feel ashamed for still loving and missing my husband. Those two things will never change as long as I still breath. That doesn't mean I wont live life to the fullest or maybe even fall in love again, but I will carry him with me everywhere I go. Tell your friend if we stopped doing everything that may make us sad we would be dead also! 

Comment by Joyce on January 14, 2014 at 7:14pm

People say the stupidest things, I guess they mean well but I wish they wouldn't say anything.  Vent away here, sometimes it helps.  This link is to a video which is on the main page here and is definitely worth watching.

http://widowedvillage.org/video/shit-people-say-to-widows-m4v

Comment by laurajay on January 14, 2014 at 6:16pm

Give it more time

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