I consider myself a pretty even tempered individual, not prone to angry outbursts. But tonight I think I reached my limit. I posted a status update on Facebook that I borrowed from one of my widowed friends. This is what it said:
"I feel very sad tonight ... Sometimes I don't know who I'm most in mourning for, Matthew or the person I used to be when I was with him." Lady Mary on Downton Abbey
I posted it because it really described how I feel right now. I don't even watch Downton Abbey although I am contemplating watching it on Netflix. *g*
One of my friends posted this in response to my status: Hugs:) and maybe quit watching shows that make you sad for now, this comes out of love for you.
My reply to her: I don't actually watch Downton Abbey. A friend posted this on their status and I just borrowed it. And not watching shows that make me sad would require me to not watch anything on tv. Some day you might understand but I hope you never have to.
I'm sure that every widow could write a book about insensitive things that people have said to them. I know I could. And most of the time I let those comments just roll off like water on a duck's back. I'm not sure why this one bothered me so much except for the fact that many things make me sad right now. Even things that would make most people happy like watching a couple walk hand in hand, make my eyes well up with tears. I am sad 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. The sadness never leaves me. And most times I can control that sadness so that I'm not crying in public. I save my tears for when I'm alone and won't be judged by anyone. Soon it will be ten months since Daryl passed away and I find myself becoming much more guarded about who I share my true feelings with. The reason being because many people feel I should be moving on....accepting that I'm alone...looking forward to a new life. You are kidding me, right???
And so I come back to her comment that I should stop watching shows that make me sad. Maybe I should just cover myself in bubble wrap and hide in a closet until I'm not sad anymore! That should solve the problem!