(No it’s not a Willie Nelson song)
I don’t think I understood the struggles of widows until now. I never understood it when someone said, “I don’t know how to live without him.” My judgmental mind seemed to think that this was a person that lacked independence. Did they not know how to pay the bills, or cook, or whatever, without their spouse? But this was before. And I apologize, right now, for thinking that about anyone.
Now, I know exactly what it means. It isn’t about paying the bills, or fixing the car, or any of those mundane things. How do I live in this world without the love of my life? That isn’t an abstract question. Not anymore. My life changed forever two months ago. A huge part of me is gone. I am no longer a whole person. And the way I look at the world is forever altered. The world is dark and joyless. All the color and the spark that Alan gave to my life is gone. I don’t know how to live this way. I find myself saying, “I don’t know how to live without him.” Only now I know too well what that means.
It means that I don’t know how to be happy or look forward in life any more. It means that even though I may look like I’m doing well, I’m faking it and I am only seeing the world in black and white. I’m wandering through life now without much purpose except taking care of my kids. It’s not the way I’m used to living. But there’s no getting around it, and I will have to get used to it.
So I apologize for not understanding. I know now. But I wish I didn’t.