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Twenty-Four Odd Hours...
I have been very exhausted for the last couple of days: Jud's burial, chest inflammation, too much company and just overdoing it in general. My fibro flared up and I slept almost the entire last twenty-four hours. I would wake up every so often, and every time, I thought Jud would be there. It was so odd and so disconcerting. Each time, I had to face the shock of his death. I was glad to finally wake up and get out of bed.
Thinking of it later, I was reminded of the first several months after his death. I seemed to sleep well most nights, but every morning I would wake up to the same scenario, thinking he was there next to me and then experiencing the shock of having him gone. I realized that this was a "way of life" for a long time and this time, it was just probably a little setback from being sick and worn out.
Tonight I am hoping my sleep will be better and my arising will not be so sad and startling.
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Comment by kimkirt (KK) on July 16, 2012 at 10:18am -
Suz, I think this is why I hold onto the nights for so long, because in the beginning waking up and facing the fact that he wasn't there was very difficult. Now, I know that he won't be there and I'm moving forward, but it hasn't stopped me from hanging onto the nights. Hope you got some rest last night and that your wake up was more peaceful this morning. Hugs!
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Comment by AEDforever (Ali) on July 15, 2012 at 9:52pm -
((Suz)) I'm sure that being exhausted definitely adds to the sadness. I know it does for me. today, I was overwhelmed with a yearning to go take a nap with Paul. I walked into the bedroom several times, imagining him there, wishing and wanting. Ironic, I asked him once if I died, what would he miss the most. He said "snuggling". Now I know why. Hang in there. Thinking of you.
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Comment by Cristina on July 15, 2012 at 6:41pm -
Me, too, I hope that for you. Last night I had something like that just from a movie ending, a family movie and when it was over, oh, lord, how sad and empty the house was, just unbearably so. My heart is with you, Suz. Speaking of the first months and sleeping....I couldn't even go into our bedroom. Not even to lie down during the day. Slept out in Billie's van for months, until it got too hot to do so. Still sleep like a baby out there, when I have the opportunity. In fact, last night, if it hadn't been so darn hot, I would have gone out there after the movie, I really missed being able to (summer is cabin fever time in the desert) with the pain I was in. It always helps to be in his van, it's just a small van that he refurbished and moved into when he retired in 2002. It's very Billie, in there. Very reassuring. The van became a sanctuary for me in the over 4 months we were in the hospitals in that last year of his life. In the hospitals I always slept right next to his bed, even if all there was was two chairs pulled to face each other. I'd get out to the van for a couple minutes maybe every day or two, depending on how sick he was. But those minutes would be so crucial to reground myself. To see all the beautiful things he had in there decorating the walls...hummingbird, guitar shaped magnets, Mardi Gras beads and sage sticks, and a card of eagles and a bumper sticker saying "What Would Woody Do?"
Thanks for letting me ramble. I hope your fibro gets back under some control, sweet lady.
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Comment by LaurieR on July 15, 2012 at 5:46pm -
(((((((Suz))))))). Please sleep well
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