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Reluctantly being plunged into a new year without the one and only person who knew me loved unconditionally it feels bitter sweet.  No celebrating this year went to bed early hoping to dream of my love.  I didnt wanna think about not having him not here to be with us .  wishing we had never went to the lake that horrible terrible worse day of our lives.  Not just the worse fathers day but the beginning of a start to the first of many horrible days. My sons words resinate in my mind "I never got to say good bye"  I felt the same way except my problem is I dont want to say goodbye I.m not ready for you to die. Please God why our family were we not living good enough lives for your plan. I needed my husband and the kids need their dad. We are all lost without him . Not to mention I had been a stay at home mom for 10 years since last time I worked due to child care being so high and not readily available in our area. So needless to say he was our only source of income. So not only did we love a husband father and financial support .  It was like imagine the worse thing that could happen to your family did happen.  No life insurance and social security denied me and my kids social security I felt like life couldnt get worse then our dog had to be put to sleep cause of tumor and other dog ran away and got hit by a car.This year has been the worse year of my whole life and I dont see how things could be anything but this horrible emptiness I feel most time hopeless and fearful because my husband was our future and I feel like without him I dont have much of a future at all now.I wish we could just do last year over again because this year I wish didnt happen.

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Comment by CryinCali on January 14, 2020 at 2:01am

Thank u callie2 I hope your right and my husband always worked so hard and supported our family no matter what so I will try my hardest to make him proud.  Its just so hard without him he was so involved with the kids and helping me with everyday stuff not to mention just being each others friend i just miss him and everything about him or his love help and support its just a really big chunk out of our lives that was taken away.

Comment by Callie2 on January 12, 2020 at 1:39pm

Cryin, so sorry for your loss and for the situation you are facing at this time.  You’re going to get through this and as hard as it is, you will figure things out.  When someone dies unexpectedly, it’s just so hard to accept.  Somehow we think continuously about how we could have done something differently so that it would not have happened.  We grieve and it is difficult to manage everything all at once.  Don’t give up on hope.  Slowly, your life will find a new normal.  Our lives change forever and it leaves us to think, who have we become?  You will find that inner strength to deal with those horrible days  because you must go on.  May peace soon find you. 

Comment by CryinCali on January 7, 2020 at 1:03pm

Thank you don no need to apologize but i thank you for your words. I am sorry they had to see that also but in a way it helped with with them knowing the absolutness finality of what death means that daddy will never be coming back. Which even as an adult who prides myself on being level headed an rational have a hard time excepting that he is truely not coming back .  its like my brain cant accept that fact i mean i know hes not ive had his ashes in my hands and have the ring he was wearing when the dive team found him around my neck and saw it with my own eye bet yet weirdly some part of me thinks he is magically gonna walk through the front doir and everything will be good again. Its like my brain and memories and life doesnt make sense without him in it so my brain makes up these fantasies in order to cope easier or stay hopeful in life i suppose.

Comment by Don on January 5, 2020 at 7:04am

I'm so sorry. They say that when it rains it pours, but does it have to be a tsunami?

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