Today marks 21 months since my husband died, and it is the first 12th of the month that I am not sad, nor in despair, or crying. What gives? What is different? Am I healed? It is almost as if I feel.....normal. Is that it?
The only thing I can attribute this change to is the fact that I started volunteering at a non-profit this week. I have offered my services to help the director in an administrative capacity. Part of the duties involve calling the clients of this non-profit, all of whom are single women....either unwed or divorced single mothers or widows of all ages, all in need of help or support. I hear the stories...how they can't pay rent, how their car broke down and they don't have money to pay for the repair. How grateful they are for help and for the call that lets them know that we are checking on them and praying for them.
Today I spoke to a widow who lost her husband of 28 years (a second marriage) some two months ago and she is well into her 70's and her husband was about 80 years old. She was full of the grace and strength of GOD. I was honored that I had the chance to speak with her! We both had lost husbands and she chuckled when I said that I was married for "20 years 10 months." We both had lost our mothers to terrible diseases. We both have three sisters and one brother, but hers are close by and have been able to support her, while mine are all far away on the Eastern Seaboard, a great distance from Central Texas. She also shared that she had lost two children, yet her voice had the sound of strength,hope and resilience. I enjoyed our conversation so much and I gave thanks that I was able to speak with this woman. I feel privileged to speak with all of wonderful women, all from various walks of life.
Today I called my therapist and told her that I won't be needing her services anymore, so she took me off of the schedule. I am done talking with her. With regards to therapists, I have used them in the past, and when I feel annoyed after an appointment, it means I am done and ready to move forward. I believe that it what is happening.
I also registered to take the certification exam for the PHR- a credential that I need to obtain if I want to resume a career in human resources. The PHR is the equivalent of what a CPA is to an accountant. I have been applying for jobs, but I see that most positions want that credential. I left my career to raise my son, which was supposed to just be for 2-3 years, but somehow, some 15 years later, here I am, full-time mother and homemaker. I did work part-time for a few years prior to becoming the caregiver from my cancer stricken husband. Now I am starting over.
Anyhow, I have three months to prepare for the PHR exam. I have six volumes to read and master, and several volumes have 300 pages. (YIKES!) I am hitting the books, putting the nose to the grindstone, and hope that I can pass them exam in December. I know that I have to work at some point in the future, so why not try to resume my former career?
Enough of my blathering. Change is the one thing that is constant, whether it is a change we expected or not. Death changes EVERYTHING. When I read the materials in the study guide about corporate change, I can now laugh. There is no change like the change that the DEATH OF A SPOUSE brings.
I buried a husband. I administered and close the estate. I got my son and myself the support services needed to get through the worst of the grief. And now....step by step.....I am moving forward, at times painfully, and often slowly.
(((((((HUGS TO ALL!!!!)))))