Tonight I just can't take it anymore. Tears have been falling on and off for days, even though it's been four months. I thought I was getting better. That was a lie. I'm crying hysterically, I feel like I can't breathe, I feel sick to my stomach like I'm going to throw up and I don't know what to do. I keep saying to myself...I can't do this anymore. I can't keep going on like this without him. I've Become a terrible mother, I'm always mad at my kids and I'm miserable. I am a bad daughter, I can't be there for my mom and my stepdad when they need me. I've become a terrible friend, when friends talk to me I'm only half listening to them because I feel like my mind is 1,000,000 miles away and I can't concentrate on what they're saying to me. I was never like this before he died. I have given up on my faith and praying. I feel like no one listed to me when I begged and prayed the most selfless prayer for my fiancées life to be saved. I feel like I can't go on. I don't want to. But I know I have no choice. I never wanted to lose a husband three and half years ago and a wonderful fiancé four months ago. Why the hell that this happened to me? To them? To my kids? Why why why? I can ask this till I'm blue in the face and I will ever get an answer.
If loving and kind God truly exists then why on earth would he take good men and women away from their kids , their families, and their lives. Why aren't the murderers and rapists and criminals of this world that are sitting rotting in jail taken away from this earth instead of the good people. Why aren't they getting picked off one by One by deadly diseases and accidents. Why are the breadwinners , the fathers, the lovers the good people of this world being taken away causing so much pain and unhappiness for those left behind who love them. I truly do not understand this. I'm full of bitterness anger and rage. I used to be so happy and sweet and nice. I feel like that girl is gone forever. I'm a walking breathing shell. Useless to mankind. Forever asking why?