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We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

Tonight I just can't take it anymore. Tears have been falling on and off for days, even though it's been four months. I thought I was getting better. That was a lie. I'm crying hysterically, I feel like I can't breathe, I feel sick to my stomach like I'm going to throw up and I don't know what to do. I keep saying to myself...I can't do this anymore. I can't keep going on like this without him. I've Become a terrible mother, I'm always mad at my kids and I'm miserable. I am a bad daughter, I can't be there for my mom and my stepdad when they need me. I've become a terrible friend, when friends talk to me I'm only half listening to them because I feel like my mind is 1,000,000 miles away and I can't concentrate on what they're saying to me. I was never like this before he died. I have given up on my faith and praying. I feel like no one listed to me when I begged and prayed the most selfless prayer for my fiancées life to be saved. I feel like I can't go on. I don't want to. But I know I have no choice. I never wanted to lose a husband three and half years ago and a wonderful fiancé four months ago. Why the hell that this happened to me? To them? To my kids? Why why why? I can ask this till I'm blue in the face and I will ever get an answer.

If loving and kind God truly exists then why on earth would he take good men and women away from their kids , their families, and their lives. Why aren't the murderers and rapists and criminals of this world that are sitting rotting in jail taken away from this earth instead of the good people. Why aren't they getting picked off one by One by deadly diseases and accidents. Why are the breadwinners , the fathers, the lovers the good people of this world being taken away causing so much pain and unhappiness for those left behind who love them. I truly do not understand this. I'm full of bitterness anger and rage. I used to be so happy and sweet and nice. I feel like that girl is gone forever. I'm a walking breathing shell. Useless to mankind. Forever asking why?

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Comment by TamilovesTim on June 29, 2013 at 7:43am
Thank you all for your comments! I know you all feel My pain. I have read many books since Feb 20th the day my happy world ended. I did read When Bad Things Happen To Good People. It was the first one I read searching for some kind of explaination of why all this has happened to me. I'll read a book then feel a little better for a day or so then my anger sets back in and I'm pissed off and crying all over again. I do not want to be like this. I keep waiting for "time" to heal me. I am thinking I do believe in the randomness of life but I think it's been very unfair to me.. and a lot of us. Just wish it was evened out more. I've had enough.
Comment by Suz on June 29, 2013 at 5:51am

Tami,

We all believe differently but I believe in God and a random world. I don't think God causes these things to happen and I tend to think he is sad with us. (I am not positive about that one!) I don't believe things happen for a reason, I think they just happen. You might want to read the book, "When Bad Things Happen to Good People." It helped me years ago when I lost twin sons in late pregnancy. 

You have had so much grief, and, as you know, four months is such a short time from losing your fiance. After all you have been through, it just sounds normal to me. Let yourself grieve and find a safe place to grieve, a good friend, or a counselor if you don't feel like you could trust a friend to be helpful to you. Be gentle on yourself, please! I am sure many/most of us here understand that feeling of "nothing to give." 

Maybe there is no answer to the "why." Things just happen. Some are very sad. I am so sorry that you had to go through this double-whammy. I would be flat on the floor. Or in the hospital. I think you are doing well to be able to express your feelings and get up each day.

Hang in there. Get help for you and the kids if you need it.

Comment by shell on June 28, 2013 at 4:44am

Tami I understand right where your coming from. I have only one of my granddaughters magnetic letters on the fridge "Y "surrounded by family pictures.I have asked this everyday but NO answer comes. I have realized that there will be no answer so I somehow must accept and move forward.So easy to say so difficult to do. I keep thinking that I will come to that place and the question will have changed to Y not but not there yet.

Please continue to let your feelings out here I find that  there are many here that feel or have felt the same way. I believe that in giving ourselves permission to write or say what we are feeling uncensored will help us heal. 

Sending you hope and hugs.

 

 

  

Comment by eliana on June 27, 2013 at 9:18pm

The girl you thought you were is not gone forever, but she will never be the same.  Who you are is clearly a woman shattered by the pain of your grief -- a grief so deep over such profound losses -- and it is a dark place.

Please, please, please take care of yourself.  You have found a safe place to say whatever you need to say to people who can understand this terrible, incomprehensible journey.  Just breathe in and out.  That is more than enough at this moment.

I completely agree with smit09 -- don't worry about the rest right now.  Taking care of yourself is paramount.  I am so very sorry for your losses -- they are just heartbreaking.

Grieve.  And breathe.  It is so important.  I wish you healing and hope for your shattered heart.

Comment by smit09 on June 27, 2013 at 7:18pm

I totally feel and get your pain.

I ask myself those same questions.

however...

LISTEN: you have to give yourself a break, and cut yourself some slack. You are not a bad mother, or daughter... the people who love you will be there in the end.  You are going through something BIG and monumental and SERIOUS!  that deserves a seriously BIG and monumental melt down.  

You have been through so much, you can rise above it. Believe in yourself...Don't worry about God, or His plans, we don't even know if its true and that He exists.  Don't worry about losing your faith, or losing touch with friends... 

Dont even worry about what you should or shouldn't be worrying about.  JUST grieve, and grieve hard.  It's only been 4 months, and I am sure the loss of your wonderful fiance has opened the wound to the loss of your great husband.  Just tell yourself everyday that you are worthy of life of happiness. Even when you don't believe it, say it anyway.  

Peace and Healing

Comment by MrsD on June 27, 2013 at 5:25pm

I'm crashing hard too. I've spent a lot of time since my husband died thinking about the afterlife and with that comes thinking about God. What I've come up with is this. There is likely some omnipotent creator. But it doesn't intervene. Our souls enter our bodies and some people have great luck with them, while others get dealt a shit hand. And the creator doesn't intervene because this is just a small part of our existence and when we die, it won't matter; we'll have eternity of bliss. I suspect that the souls that have committed great wrongs have to work towards that bliss, I don't know, I'm still working all that out.

I often wonder if I did something to deserve this, and that my mistakes caused Dan his life, like he died because of me. I mean, I'm not the nicest person in the world. But I mean, I'm not Hitler either! And even he got to die with his wife, on his own terms instead of facing justice on the world stage and certain execution. So what gives? I refuse to believe that God, if that's what you call it, is pulling all these strings. I think it set into play a course of events that play out through a combination of our choices and complete randomness. But that means it doesn't intervene in positive ways either. When someone is miraculously cured, there is some other explanation, whether it's a material one, or just dumb luck.

Comment by Nick's Babe on June 27, 2013 at 12:39pm
Pure randomness. I surely hope there is no god because if there is then he decided that my husbands life wasnt worth living any longer (at age 49) and that my life was worth destroying. That is absolutely unforgivable. True evil is hypocrisy which I believe to be the greatest sin. Unfortunately religion, especially in today's world, has become a hotbed of hypocrites bigotry and evil. This world would be a beautiful place if everyone simply tried to live by the Golden Rule. I would never betray the love I have for my husband by honoring some supposed being that would choose to favor some people over others and to destroy the lives of good people while evil persists. I trust that such bad luck is random and sincerely hope that you find some level of peace.

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