It's very early on with my loss and I realize it takes time. I also realize I probably will feel single again at some point. It takes time I know.
I feel very much still part of a loving couple. Jerry's gone, but I'm not single. I find it the most unusual feeling I've ever had. If someone asked me right now, do you have a boyfriend? My answer would be yes.
Logically, I haven't had enough time. I just wish I knew a how and a when I'll ever feel like I'm just me. Jerry is the first time I've ever lost anyone I was extremely close too. Perhaps that is part of my trouble. I like clear plans, and there just isn't one. Maybe, that's why I'm having such a hard time. I hate not having any answers. I have learned here that no answers exist, we are all going down different paths within the same journey.
Maybe I just can't accept any clear-cut answer to when my emotional pain will end, no answer to when I'll feel like a whole person. It's driving me crazy that I feel like less than a complete person. I'm all over the place with this blog but that's it in a nutshell.
I feel incomplete, I feel like my brain/heart and reality are in two different spots. I have no clue who I am without Jerry. I hate, HATE, loathe the feeling of being half a human being with no end to it on the horizon. It seems to me like I can't continue to mourn/grieve or move forward onto some sort of healing until I can at least feel like a whole person and know who I am.
So, I'm left wondering what comes first. Healing, moving forward with living in the present or finding one's new identity?