The rain is lashing down outside. It has been raining on and off for over a week now and I am really sick of it. It is not that it is cold, far from it as when the sun does come out it is quite humid but it is isolating. On Tuesday I went to a morning tea I go to once a week and for the first hour was the only person there other than the kitchen helper. I have not seen my usual “widow buddies” in the shopping centre as few people are coming out if they don't need to, not that I blame them, but that too is isolating.
It is autumn (fall) here in Australia and soon we go off of Daylight Saving and the mornings will still be bright but the evenings will start to get dark about 5.30pm. I hate the thought of so much time alone. I have a lot of friends and pleasant acquaintances but not the sort now who just drop by so I know that a day at home is a day when I see no-one, speak to no-one and that has a downward effect on my spirits. So I need to be prepared with a pile of books, some old movies I like to watch and of course the computer and the phone will be my links to the outside world.
My phone line and my computer have been problematic since January but now seem okay, I had to change providers to make that happen so had to reinstall some parts of my system to do so. I have never been a computer geek but managed it with some help from the Support Team. I felt good when I realised this is the first time I have done something like this on my own. I have always been timid about things technical, always had sons that could help out but as they are so far away now they could not help this time. I was glad I could manage it with some help.
I still find it hard to be a widow, people laughing and talking together in couples groups, an older couple walking hand in hand, one of my friends asking his wife if she wants coffee and getting it for her, these are the triggers to sadness for me. I have had some dates as you would know but just now I have some friends but no-one in my life who is special or who shows they care for me. I find that hard. But it is the way life is right now.
My kids keep in touch, not as often as they used to but reasonably often. I wonder sometimes if I should maybe move into a condo or a retirement village or some place where there is always someone around but so far haven't decided to do that. It would be for the sake of company more than anything else so all the time I feel okay in my own home I will try to stay here. After all I have been in this house for over forty years now. I am having a handyman do some minor repairs, I know there is more work to do than he can do so will have to take a serous look at future repairs and renovations.
I know people must get sick of me saying I want to make some changes and then doing nothing about it. I seem not to know what I really want my life to be like right now. Maybe that is a natural part of getting older but I feel it also has to do with not having someone who knows me well to talk things over with. I do have some widows in my peer groups so do consult them on some issues but it is not the same as it was when I had Ray to consult. I guess that is situation normal for widows too.
When this rain period is over I will go on tidying up the garden and prepare it for winter. It is not bitterly cold or icy here in winter but plants do lie dormant in our colder weather and I need to clear up old leaves and tidy up a bit. I wish...well you all know what I wish for...someone to work alongside me as I work, someone to ask me if I want a cup of tea, someone to say : “I'll do that for you. Yes...sigh... that is what I want.