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Since my wife died a month a ago. The thing I miss the most that deep connection of being wrapped up in each other completely. I have no desire to date at the moment and don't know when I might be ready for something like that. However, I am wondering if some meaningless sexual encounters would help to combat the loss of intimacy and help me to feel better even if for just a couple hours? Has anyone ever had these thoughts or feelings. Anyone ever done this? Was it helpful? Would it help me? Would it only make things worse?

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Comment by laurajay on February 21, 2014 at 7:26pm

Jp  I just want to add it's normal and Ok to wonder and think about these needs.  In thinking about things we begin to find answers...much better than just acting out on a whim when the urge hits us.

Comment by JpBaker on February 21, 2014 at 2:24pm
That's all makes perfect sense, and I was guessing that would likely be the outcome, but I'm just feel so empty and disconnected from everything, didn't know if anyone had been there looking for any kind of outlet. Thank you for the advise and I'm sure I would just end up hating myself for a million reasons.
Comment by BESTBUDS1 [Norman} on February 21, 2014 at 1:32pm

JP I am so very sorrry for your loss,,,my soulmate passed dec 27 2013..I can only speak for me and you can take it for what it means to you ..I am 55 ...This grief thing is enough to deal with besides bringing in guilt..As I would feel guilty, and very unhappy , as it is way too soon for me, but everyone is built differently and not a one size fits all..But I for one think it is better to wait and have clear conscious for all involved, your wife , yourself and the sex partner. Sure I have heard the thoughts of others that say go get you some, will make you feel better....They can say that , they are not in my shoes, and have not lost the LOVE of their LIFE....Treasure your memories with your wife, let yourself grieve in your own way and when the time is right it will happen if it is meant to be..I wish you Peace Love Joy and Healing in this journey...Norman

Comment by eliana on February 21, 2014 at 12:38pm

JpBaker, I think it was brave of you to post this.  And I am glad you've received such a thoughtful response from laurajay and a male perspective from RiseUp22.

It sounds like you're looking for two different things -- "intimacy" and "deep connection" simply are not found in anything "meaningless."  What you are experiencing is absolutely normal, and all of us can relate to that need for release from such unrelenting pain, especially when your loss is so recent and your grief so raw.  This, unfortunately, is part of grieving the loss of our loves.

You might find some more insight in the WV private discussion group solely for men -- here's the link:  http://widowedvillage.org/group/menonlyprivatediscussionarea.

I am so very sorry for your loss, and I wish you much peace and solace.  Please take good care of yourself.

Comment by Clearwater Widower on February 21, 2014 at 12:33pm

Meaningless sex is not a solution, and I suspect you would likely feel worse.  At two and a half years out I had an encounter with a tourist and it felt so wrong.  I felt like my wife was watching disapprovingly from above.  It felt dirty, and disrespectful to her.

You can't fill that hole with random encounters, give it some time man.  You'll know when it's right.  There's no time frame for any of this, everyone grieves on their own time table, but at one month out you aren't going to find what it is that you are missing right now.  Hang in there man.

Comment by RiseAgain on February 21, 2014 at 12:12pm
I'm sorry about the loss of your wife. My wife passed just before Christmas. Desires are going to be there. But meaning leas sex as a solution . Bad idea man. Myself. I would feel like I was disrespecting my wife. One month away. Wait and deal with your life. Meaningless sex is a bad plan anytime. I hope you find a lot of support here. Take care and get better.
Comment by laurajay on February 21, 2014 at 11:40am

You ask a loaded question Jp but I see your age is only 29 so as a healthy thriving man it is  easy to understand your curiosity.  First off, as a much older woman who shared decades of intimacy with my husband I find myself stretched to the point of angst in still wanting to be with him in a hundred ways  every day.  I do not refer to only sexually  but all ways.  I know that will never end. However, in your case even though you lost the woman you loved and married ---you will find  in  time your grief  will lessen and you will come to a time when you are ready to love again.  Problem is,  only you will know when that time will come--no one here can tell you what to do.  I have talked to men here who did have brief encounters for release  and they either found it helpful and pleasing  or they were laced with guilt because they felt  they had been unfaithful to their wives.  What does your heart tell you?  What does your value  system tell you about casual sex?  How would feel if you shared intimacy with another woman for a brief time   and then were alone again with memories of your wife?  What would she say to you so early after her death?

My personal opinion is for you to wait...hungry as you are...until you feel ready to begin dating.  Yes, it feels  like hell with no one there to love.  Yes, the pain is too deep to even describe...the longing.  But short term satisfaction is just that---short term.  Could leave you feeling worse in the long run.

For now,  take care of you!   diet- exercise- sleep --  and staying busy   busy as you can to keep your mind off your neediness for a while.

I extend my deepest sympathy to you at this horrible loss at so young an age... I will pray you're  taken to a point of understanding and peace so your travels through grief  lead you to a point  of a new beginning in love and life...retaining  the joy you've known with your wife...but able to move on to new love.

TIME  is necessary Jp.  Time to remember, to grieve, to plan, to explore future options  etc.   Sit tight.  Frankly,  watch for replies from men who can better relate...just know the truth is you will have to live with any decisions you make.   There is a certain abandonment that is exciting beyond words with a casual encounter but you have to decide if the man your wife loved is the same man who would choose such activity  and in doing so  find both his body and soul enriched?  We are called to come up higher.  It is what  makes us a worthy species.     My love to you.  Laurajay

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