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The office is an office and organized.  Decor is finished, the PC that belongs in there is hooked up and running at a fully functional desk, and all 3 monitors are happy.  My art room is fully decorated, functional, clean, organized, and all the projects that had been piled on my work table have been fixed, repaired, or otherwise addressed.  The guest room is fully decorated in a Haunted Mansion theme, blacklight is up, accent lighting is up.  I need to buy the guest bed when the funds are available, but the massage table is up until then.

Spare charger cords on the "other" side of the bed, charging station in the living room, and spare chargers in the guest and art rooms.  Speakers in the kitchen, guest room, art room, and a set that is perfectly arranged on the bed so that I can have my bedtime music playing without being obtrusive.  Last remnants of cleaning and whatnot from the things that the auction company didn't take are sent off to Goodwill.  Arizona room clean, organized, cake decorating stuff on shelves and easily accessed.

So... What now?  For almost five months, I've had things to do.  In a way, I was still taking care of things for Howard.  It's done.  It's *all* done.  What do I do now?  I've cleaned the house.  Floors are swept and mopped, and the new steam mop means that messes are cleaned immediately.  Rugs are clean.  I dusted.  I freaking dusted.  I'm... not sure what to do now.  There's nothing to do but what I want.  I don't know what that is.  

It's finally all done.  Every last bit.  I've spent so much time as a caretaker, so much time, even after he was gone, taking care of the things that still needed tending.  I'm not sure I remember how to human anymore. 

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Comment by oceangirl on November 17, 2016 at 2:58pm

Medea, your last sentence moved me so. I get it. The thing is, it's done, yes - but in time, it can be re-done. I've moved furniture around, pictures, added, deleted, painted, re-purposed, and not that it had to be done, but because I liked doing it. Instead of feeling that I had to do it. Do you see what I'm saying? From now on it, do what ever for you, and for you only. I know it sucks, thinking that way, but Howard won't mind. Your "human" will come back to you.

Oh, and - your guest room sounds AWESOME!

Comment by Medea on November 11, 2016 at 7:04pm

I don't know that it's necessarily an organized thing, so much as it has been the need to have something to *do*.  Howard and his mom both hoarded a lot of things, and the house was a cluttered mess that I could never quite get ahead of, and he wouldn't get rid of things.  So it started out with me getting rid of things I'd wanted to remove, and then momentum took over.  And then, well, I was already working on things, so I might as well do these other things...  Eventually, it was a combination of giving myself something to do, and the pendulum swinging the other way after far too much clutter in my life, the need to organize it and put things back in their places.  

Comment by only1sue on November 11, 2016 at 12:03pm

I really do wish I was as organized as you are. I did the opposite when Ray died, I rushed out the door. I had been in a routine of visiting him day and night and then that was over. I still had my Mum in care so I transferred my attention to her, for two more months I visited Mum and then she died. I looked around my world and thought: "What is left?". What was left? My old life was gone and I didn't know how to be Sue Alone. But four years later I do. I hope it doesn't take you that long to figure life out. In the meantime be kind to yourself, take things slow and change the things that make your life worthwhile one by one until you are happy with the mix.

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