What's on my mind...

For the first time in awhile I am actually feeling lonely. Well I guess I have been off and on for a few weeks now, but tonight it's hitting hard.

I've seen a lot of things about couples lately, some on blogs, some facebook etc, and they have all been making me really jealous and they make me remember what I used to have. I was looking through some pictures of a friends honeymoon a few minutes ago and got really jealous -- we didn't get to really have any fun trips like that, and we never got a honeymoon. Heck we didn't really even get to celebrate being married because he got sick at our reception and wasn't feeling well the next week due to his CF.. and then a week later his dad died.. and then he was sick and in the hospital, and then the funeral, and then more hospital, and then his mom was diagnosed with breast cancer... and then he got critically ill, spent 3 months in the ICU and died.

Ugh I just get envious. I feel like we really didn't even get to enjoy being married because of all the crap that just fell down all around us after we tied the knot. It's not at all fair =( In the 3 months we had before he got critically sick we spent at funerals, spent grieving, and then spent in the hospital because of CF. I just want more time -- as everyone does. I want all that time back where we don't have to worry about those things. That we can ENJOY being married. Wedded bliss. Take the honeymoon we wanted. 

A lot of my friends are just getting engaged or having babies too. It makes me remember the wedding planning and the joy of finally getting to spend the rest of my life with my love. And the babies... WE were supposed to be planning a family right now. I wanted to wait until a year after we got married to start thinking about IVF and a family.... and now we can't have that =/ and there are SO many teenagers and very young people getting pregnant right now... It comes, unwanted, but so easily for them when we couldn't even try on our own. We would have had to save up money and go through the process of IVF and just praying our hearts out that it worked and our money wasn't wasted. 

It has been 7 months for me since I lost Spencer. It truly feels more like 10 because our lives completely stopped in September when he got so ill. I am pretty sure I started the grieving process then because in the back of my mind I knew I wouldn't be coming home with him =/    But I've been thinking about the idea of dating. Am I ready -- I'm sure that I'm not. But it doesn't stop me from thinking about it. I think I just want companionship again. I want someone who will just hold me when I am upset. Someone who I can confide in and go to when I'm happy, or sad. Someone to fall asleep next to at night. No hanky panky (though of course I really miss that too) but just a cuddle right before bed. I am feeling so lonely because I don't have a lot of friends. I am also living in KS, separated from most of my friends and so I think that's a lot of it, the being super lonely part. I'm hoping that when I move back to Utah next week I will have more company and not feel so lonely -- though that empty feeling will always be there for a long time. It's that empty feeling that friendship just can't touch. You all know what I'm talking about. 

I think that I'm doing fairly well with grieving. Sometimes I actually feel like I'm not grieving right or hard enough -- but trust me, I know that there is no RIGHT way to grieve. But it's just how it feels. I don't have a lot of completely melt down moments. Sure, I am sad, and I miss him terribly... but I know that he's now at peace. Without cystic fibrosis. He's living a life he could never have DREAMED of. Though I do want him back because I miss him, it's so SELFISH to want him back so that he could experience the pain, difficulty breathing, coughing up blood, etc. I guess I just read other widows stories and it seems like everyone takes things so, SO much harder than I am. Yes, I do have my very intense moments of grieving... but they don't happen very often. Sometimes I wonder if I'm not just closed off and my body isn't allowing me to feel it. 

I don't know... honestly. I just feel like I'm doing "too well". Do any of you feel that way?? Please tell me it's a normal feeling. 

I feel like 7 months is too early to date. That I would be jumping into things way to soon. OF COURSE I wouldn't be dating to be in a very serious relationship. It IS too early to do that. I haven't even begun to heal enough to be able to handle a serious relationship. But I feel like it would be nice to have that companionship. To meet someone new. Even if it was just a close guy-friend who could sit with me and talk with me. Maybe it would help me feel those emotions that are stuffed so deep down and won't come out? Sometimes I feel desperate for emotion when, as I said, I feel like I'm doing "too well". I don't know... Knowing me, I won't go through with any of this. I won't join any dating sites and I won't be looking for anyone. But I do think about it often. 

Spence told me time after time again to never be too worried if it's "too soon". That if I find the right guy, to just go with it and don't be worried about what he would think. He was the best when it came to things like that. He just wants me to be happy. But I still wonder what he would say to me about these thoughts that I have about finding a new guy. The timing. I often want to ask him questions about relationships in the present and the future and I just desperately want his answer. He had SUCH a unique perspective that I miss dearly. I try to imagine what he would tell me... but what always pops into my mind are things similar to this:
"Just be true to yourself. If it's what you want then go for it. Dont' worry about me, I just want you to be happy." All things he told me many times before he died. Several years, several months, and just 2 days before he passed away. 

Also I just wonder that when I AM finally ready to look into a serious relationship...which i know won't be for several several years... but who is going to want to deal with me? Who is going to accept my life-long grieving process for my late husband? Who is going to be okay with me loving someone else? The baggage. You know what I mean? I know it will take a very special person to accept everything that I am.. And all that I have been through with my own illness and all the other "stuff"... I'm just worried about finding him when I feel I'm ready. I don't want to go through heartbreaking relationships where I get close to the guy and then all of a sudden I have a moment of grief, he gets scared or uneasy, and leaves. I'm young.. I am 21 years old. I don't want to go through 70 or 80 more years of my life alone. No, not at all. And I dont want to wait forever to find the 2nd Mr. right... I want to have a family. I badly want to be a mom. No, I'm not going to rush anything at all, I know the implications of that... it's just something on my mind.....

Also one other thing that I wanted to mention that's been on my mind today... I got my husband's family letter that his grandparents send out every month. Spencer's birthday was this month (the 12th). Well in the beginning of their family letters they always name off the family birthdays of the month. Spencer's name wasn't on there. I mean there really is no reason for it to be on there, he's not alive anymore. But it did really sting to see his name omitted. Sometimes I feel like he's being forgotten when things like this happen. (well really there are many, many times I feel like he's forgotten as the longer it gets since he's been here the less and less his name comes up from others... but anyway...) It's just one of those cases where everyone moves on in their own little ways and the world moves on but I am left behind still wanting his name on the birthday calendar. Oy Vey. I'm sure you guys have had similar situations like this... Again, just something that's on my mind. 

That's enough for tonight. Haven't written in awhile, just been writing on my blog on blogger, but this was something I didn't want to share publicly.