My mother spent a lot of time growing up with an aunt, her mother's older sister. The aunt spoke often in what we would call cliches or truisms and Mum used a lot of them herself. Some I agreed with like : "A stitch in time saves nine" how often did I wish I had mended the falling hem earlier, and "A watched pot never boils" so I had to learn to do something else while I waited for something to cook. One I have trouble with today is: "What the eye don't see, the heart don't grieve." With the fifth anniversary of Ray's death coming up next month that is so untrue for me. I grieve every day, I grieve his absence, the loss of our future together , the events he cannot attend with me, like the good friends funeral I attended on Friday where I met up with old friends of his, he would have loved to be there. Then there is the wasted time when he could have seen his grandchildren growing up., we could have enjoyed that together.
I still resist the urge to put him out of my life. I wonder sometimes how I will ever get over his death completely, perhaps I never will. I have no distraction from these thoughts as I am mostly alone and have only my own company of an evening and that is when I go once more through the "If onlys" of our lives together. I can watch a television program and there is an older couple dancing, holding hands, gazing into each other's eyes or just being together, easy companions. I can knit and sew and read and come onto the computer but that is no guard against the thoughts in my head. I don't wish not to have them I just wish they did not make me sad but made me happy instead.I do have a lot of happy memories and a lot of things that I remember with a smile but not all are like that.
I have been doing a little Spring clean so once more the old photos and the old letters and reminders of old times take up my time. I wish I could pack all the memories in one place and only see them when I want to so am getting a lot of the photos together. My younger son suggested I scan them and throw away the old albums and maybe I will do that one day but I still am not ready to do that yet. And I worry that modern technology will let me down and I will put the USB stick in and it will not read, I have already had that happen as I upgraded the computer programs or got a newer, more up-to-date laptop. So I cling to the old albums. What I plan to do is take the photos of scenery out and just keep the photos with people in, labelling them for future generations. That is if future generations are even going to be interested.
I am too much alone at the moment. I do go out a lot but I feel I do need more time at home at present as I seem to need that solitude more at this time of the year. I have been busy gardening and taking out plants and repotting them. It is a perennial job when you have as much in pots as I do. But it is wonderful when down the track this leads to more abundant blooms and the joy of a flowering Spring. It has been a dry winter but we have had a few showers in the past week so there is signs of new growth to cheer me up. Of course Spring does not come all at once so the nights are suddenly cold again and the mornings take longer to warm up so still in a lot of winter clothing which I peel off as the day heats up. And it is good to be outside watching the birds returning to our part of the Coast and enjoying the sun
I have a few minor health problems that have cropped up during winter so a little bit disappointed that some of my time will be taken up with medical matters. I pick up a lady for church on Sundays and she told me she should have stayed 99 as being 100 seems to have caused more problems and I feel that way about turning 70. What is it that changes when we enter a new decade? I still have so many things I want to do in my life but am starting to think I should revise the list to those things which are possible now. I am still mad that the brochures and emails about "travel specials" are all "per person twin share." I know I can book single supplement but it is crazy that there are not enough single rooms for the widows/widowers as we seem to be an increasingly large section of the community that cruises or goes on coach tours and yet we are not catered for.
So with Spring comes some disturbing thoughts, ahead is another summer to go to the beach alone, to dine alone in the many cafes scattered around our wonderful beaches. Time to travel alone if that is what I plan to do. I know I have a few people who I do go out to coffee etc with but most of them have family close by which I do not so more of their time is taken up with babysitting grandchildren, going to see them play sport , perform in concerts etc. My weekends are lonely if I do not plan them in advance and so I try to do that. Sunday is okay as it is church and then some shopping maybe going for a drive somewhere if only to the next beach over. Just on Saturdays i wish I could do something different to fill in my day. I know with some effort it is doable, well it has to be doesn't it?