One of my problems seems to be that I have no-one to bounce ideas off now. When Ray was his full self, before strokes diminished his intellectual powers, he could always see where I could do something better. Sometimes I resented that and sometimes I knew he was right and adjusted my plans. Now I seem to stumble on in the dark and try to get it right but often get it wrong.
I'd like to run my ideas past my adult children but they are "busy leading their own lives" as people so often tell me. I used to have a couple of friends I could really trust and could sit down with either of them and discuss something through without them getting bored but one got remarried and the other moved away so they are not available now. I wonder who of my most recent friends is capable of hashing out areas of which I am uncertain or with which I am having difficulty now?
I miss Ray as my life partner, I know maybe the last couple of years he could do little, strokes had taken their toll, but right up to the end of him being with me I could still sit by his side and articulate my thoughts and feelings and know even of he did not reply that he had heard what I said.
Sometimes I really do not know who to turn to. I know I could ring one of the help lines and just voice my concerns, I used to be a phone counselor for a few years, many years ago and at the end of such a call a caller would say how much it had helped to just say it all out loud. Maybe that is a solution. Basically most people really do know what they need to do, so I guess I do too.
I sometimes wish my parents were still alive, my Dad who died in 2000 was a marvelous listener and often would see something I had missed so I would adjust my plans because of what he said. I know in some ways I am still very much his daughter. Mum was more likely to jump to conclusions so not as logical or stable in her thinking but even so sometimes the advice she gave was worth acting on.
What do others do when they are trying to make a decision? Do you have someone you go to, someone you trust with your thoughts? My minister is good for spiritual matters but he is just turned thirty and honestly cannot sometimes put himself into the mind of a middle aged widow. Others of my friends really just want me to be "over it" or don't see how they can help me. I would once have been like them, without the experience of Ray's long illness and then bereavement. I know some people see the indecision as more a lack of comprehension of the problem.
I know in a lot of my thinking as a widow there is a fear factor: "What if I make a decision and it all goes wrong" or "what if I have not taken something into consideration" and so I agonize about small decisions that are by no means a matter of life or death. I want to ask my daughter to help me with some of this, being a woman and knowing me well I thought she might be able to help but tonight when I rang her she said how worried she was about her mother-in-law who is now almost blind and really not coping so much so that son-in-law has gone up to help her and so she told me all the facts and by the time I had listened to all of that I just thought how trivial my problems are and changed the subject.
I guess I will just take my time, make the decisions and if I do it wrong face up to the consequences.