This site is run by widowed people, for widowed people

Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

Tomorrow is my husband´s birthday. He would be turning 51. Body hasn´t been released yet since August 2nd.

I´ve been reading a lot about the phases of grief and all those stuff to see if I can find myself on any of those posts... But no. Feeling most part of the time alone and numb, I´ve made a good friend here who talks to me. And I´ve hidden even from him my two suicide attempts in this time. Don´t know what´s going on, every day it goes I feel more and more anger and hate about my husband. I understand consciently this is totally weird but... I believed again I could be happy because of him, I believed again in love because of him, He was the one who sais he would never leave and he did, just like everybody else did in my life. Sometimes I wish I could never met him, so hard is being the suffering. Before the last suicide attempt, I had a shelf dedicated to him in my debdroom, with our pics , cards, flowers, rosaries and fluffy animals he gave me. I just threw everything away. Nothing´s left. I can´t hear his name anymore, I can´t think about him without the feeling I´ve been betrayed by him when he died.

Views: 103


You need to be a member of Widowed Village to add comments!

Join Widowed Village

Comment by Tess on November 1, 2018 at 4:06am

Hi Bruna. I just happened to see this latest post. I cannot even express how badly I feel for you. They would be such vacant words for me to tell you to hang in there, that there is a reason to live, to please not consider suicide, so I will not depend on them.

Do you mind if I ask you how you lost your husband? It sounds very sudden. I know too that feeling of anger. For me, it is displaced anger as I frequently cannot recognize the source. All the emotions get muddled together. Eventually my anger turns to pain and tears. It is only temporarily resolved, but at this point, it is enough.

Keep talking to your good friend. It is all right to be open with him about your suicide attempts. Part of healing is sharing, otherwise it is an internal struggle with yourself. You deserve more than that.

Hugs to you Bruna.

Comment by DIVA70 on October 19, 2018 at 9:39pm

I am so sorry for your loss and for the pain you are suffering. It is good that you have someone to talk to and this is a good site to vent. But there are times when we need professional help. I myself have been to some dark places since losing my husband. I see where others have benefited from going to counseling and I am considering doing that. Whatever it takes to get back on the path to feeling joy again is worth looking into in my humble opinion. I wish you peace. Don't give up!

Comment by LadyG on October 18, 2018 at 10:12pm

My Dear Bruna,

I am so, so sad for you at the loss of your love.  You havre said so many things that i have gone through in the past 3 years. Alone and numb,  yes. Thoughts of suicide,  yes. Those were mostly in the first year. I would never have imagined that i could be in that dark place. But i was. I feel for you. Even now there is little life to my waking hours. Just the mask I wear for other people to make it through the day. 

I had an alter too for a while. Eventually it went away, being too painful to look at the momento.  I have not gotten mad at my husband but I have gotten mad at life for the same reasons you mention. I was happy. I believed the happiness would go on. We were good people. We deserved happiness. The fairy tale is gone now and with it my belief in fairy tales. 

Do I hope to be happy again someday? Of course I hold out hope for that. Do I think it will happen? I don't know. Do i feel betrayed by the circumstances? ABSOLUTELY.  Can i change it? No. 

The pain is so deep it is one of the normal reactions to wish we could have avoided it by not falling in love with our spouses. It is still so fresh for you. The searing pain. I once described mine as if you had cut me in half, from the head down, with a chainsaw. How is a wound like that ever supposed to heal I asked. Now 3 years later, even though the pain still burns, I would not have given up one moment of my time with him and in the true spirit of love it is better that I am the one who suffers because I could not bear to think of him having to ensure this. 

Use this community to write your feelings. We truly understand. No one here should judge you. As much as we are all alike,  each one of our situations is unique. I hope you find comfort here.

Comment by Callie2 on October 16, 2018 at 1:01pm

Bruna, I am so sorry for your loss and the awful pain you are in right now. We’ve all been there. Anger seems to be a common response in some people. Have you looked into any other support such as group grief support or bereavement counseling? This site can be helpful to vent some of these feelings too.

Grieving takes time and requires a lot of patience. Each day is a day towards healing though progress may seem slow. Believe that the grief will one day come to an end and you can find peace with your loss. It’s a process but you will get there, always remain hopeful. Life can get good again. Hugs to you.

© 2019   Created by Soaring Spirits.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service