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When reality hits you with a 2 by 4

I know that I am a widow. I know my husband is dead, dead now for coming up to four years in March. I miss him in more ways than there are numbers and ways to measure how to miss him.  I know that I was lucky to have him and the love we shared. I know that I now have a pretty nice relationship going with a man.  Not the same mind you, but pretty satisfying just the same. But, I know that last night when I got in from my enduring flight from Gunnison CO, to Denver, to Cleveland to Hartford around midnight, and found that my car had been plowed in covered with 8 inches of snow and a layer of ice, that if my husband was still alive, he would have driven to the hotel and cleared my car. He would have bitched about it, but because he loved me he would have done it. My boyfriend says he loves me, he might even mean it, but he did not clean off my car. He would never do that. I will NEVER have anyone love me again like my husband did. I knew that before, but every once and a while you just get hit with the suck stick. For the record, if it had been the boyfriend, I would have done it. I am a really nice person and I wish I could find someone really nice, who has not been so fucked up by life they actually want someone who will love them like I can love them. Boyfriend wants me to love him, and I guess I do. Now just less than I did because I know now.  I really don’t know how long I can go on, knowing that nobody will ever love me like that again. 

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Comment by Paula on May 13, 2014 at 2:31pm

Well, I have hung in with this man, and it does continue to grow and get better and better. I am starting to really feel , this mans love for me and I have been less afraid to let him know how I feel and I am starting to feel like I used to. We have said I love you to each other , in some rather strange round about ways,  like talking thru the dog. But I finally this week, looked him in the eyes and said I love you. and he said it back. Just like that. I love you. wow.  It's like, happy kind of snuck up on me when I was not looking. 

Comment by Patience on May 13, 2014 at 2:02pm

Paula, I give you credit for trying on "new love for size."  And only you can know it this new love fits.  My husband was like yours, he'd do anything for me.  Very tough act to follow...

Comment by my roses on December 19, 2013 at 6:34pm

My roses

Understand everything you say.  Have cried quite a bit this week.  Have put a new blog up. I realise that the Celebration I did this week for my Wes gave people a different  perspective of him.  They had seen him ill and fragile. Why was I 'seemingly"  raving about how special he was?  What I call Widows enhanced memories (WEM) IS ANOTHER WAY TO BEAT US UP.  Pedestal gazing!!  But we are telling the truth and they cannot understand how special this person and relationship was.  Went out and had an early Christmas Lunch with friends. Came home and on the way stopped to walk by the river.  Felt so alone.   Tears rolled down my face. I did not want to go home either.  I was in the world but did not feel of it.  Then Wes suddenly spoke to me gently and said you must go home now.  I had not realised how long I had been sitting there.  Earlier in the week  I overcame my sorrow and lethargy and managed to complete my Celebration for Wes on 16th December.  It was filled with singing and joy.  Later I sat down with Wes - I was exhausted - but he had something to tell me.  Read more on my latest  blog I think  it might give us all a lift for this difficult holiday time. http://widowedvillage.org/profiles/blogs/i-have-celebrated-my-belov

Comment by Paula on December 18, 2013 at 8:18am

It was not a test Next to B/8. I am gun shy no doubt. I am guilty of pushing away, before I get  hurt which can cause issues for us. I am so scared of getting hurt. I feel like a beach house that is still standing after years of hurricane force winds and waves but my sea wall is cracked and eroded. I am scared that one more blow will cause the whole thing to crash into the water. So, I build a moat around myself where nothing could reach the house and somehow this man got in. 

Comment by Next to B/8 on December 18, 2013 at 7:55am

If that was his test to what his love for you meant then you know what he can and can't or won't do......There was a sad story in a local paper about a newly wed couple just married (8hrs) on their way to the hotel in a snow storm,the brides new husband saw a car in a ditch and a women who needed help he pulled their car over and parked.Went to help the women and they were both struck and killed. Life is difficult.

Comment by Mac on December 17, 2013 at 4:30pm

(((Paula)))

You will never find anyone who loved you like your husband did. None of us will. I do hope that you will find someone who will love you as much as your husband did. I hope that for all of us that are open to having a new love in our life.

The love will never be the same. We will never be the same people that we were prior to all of this. Wishing that those of us who want to or are open to finding a new love, will find loving, kind, caring and honest people.

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