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It is still very early for me, 10 weeks. So, I don't expect to get through any of the stages of grieving for sometime in the future. But, denial is a really strange part of this. I still don't feel like this has really happened. I still expect she can come back somehow. I know in my mind that she is gone, I suppose I just can't accept it. Maybe this is a natural response to protect ourselves, but it is a part of it that I do not like. It's as if I still have hope, that I will see her again. I go to the cemetary often, sit with her, and talk and cry. Then later, it's as though I forget where she is. I feel like she could walk through the door. It makes me feel crazy!

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Comment by smit09 on July 22, 2013 at 1:26pm

Oh Jake, I totally understand this emotion.

I hope you are getting through that part of grief with a little more ease...

although I don't feel in denial anymore... I still feel like Im crazy from time to time. 

peace and healing

Comment by Maria Louisa on March 22, 2013 at 4:05pm
Comment by courtice on March 22, 2013 at 3:22pm

missmyhunny, I agree with you 100%. I've often said to people that exact fact, that energy doesn't die, it just changes form and morphs into some other force. The "essence" of a person, their soul, cannot die, it just dwells in another realm. Not to sound corny either, but the price of love is pain. If we had never loved our loved ones, then we would never feel any pain either. Better to have love and lost, than never to have loved at all. Nothing worth having comes without a price. Love doesn't manifest itself without pain. Anything worth having takes effort. It's the "ying-yang" rule in our universe, good cannot exist without evil, pleasure cannot exist without pain. We're all already incredibly lucky that we even met our loved ones at all. The odds were astronomical that we would even be born, and then to meet the people that we have loved, that's also an immense blessing that we should be grateful for. God bless!

Comment by missmyhunny on March 22, 2013 at 4:36am

I think that's the most difficult of all, the expectation our beloved will once again walk through the door, and it does take a long time for that feeling to change. This is my second time to lose my spouse, my first was 12 years ago, and my second loss just about a month ago. So difficult to comprehend:(  I have also had two of my four children die, my beloved daughter just 10 months ago, and now my darling husband.

But talking about them still being there, and our denial of them being gone, what if the denial is because their energy is really still here, and they are only physically gone, and we can still feel their energy, so they really aren't gone at all. I have thought about this often, and from a scientific viewpoint, energy can't be created or destroyed, but it can change to something else, and therefore it would not be a question of whether they are, but where are our loved ones that have died?  This all relates to the unseen, just because we don't see some things doesn't mean they aren't there, and we know that as a fact.

My husband was Cherokee, on his Dad's side, and just after he died, i walked outside to my mailbox, and outside underneath one of the big trees out the front was a raptor feather, this was very symbolic to me, because my husband and i had a Native American wedding, and we had raptor feathers beaded into the headbands we wore on our wedding day, so finding the feather that day was just awesome and gave me a feeling of incredible joy and peace that i had received a beautiful message that was very personal to me.

I have also had very many other signs in the past especially after my first son was killed in a car accident 17 years ago, and they do bring comfort even though we miss the physical presence of the ones we love, and we always will. The pain does soften in time, that much i have experienced, and i never thought it would.

Comment by AEDforever (Ali) on March 19, 2013 at 2:22pm

Jake,

This is a common feeling and we all have had it I believe.  I remember the first weeks, months and all the crazy thoughts I had. Turning the key and opening the door and somehow expecting him to be there?  Sitting at lunch and waiting for a text message.  Or, thinking "I have to tell Paul about this". Or looking for him at certain places. It is crazy making for sure, and it is part of the grief process.  As time continued the craziness of denial started to ease and then was replaced by other feelings.  It does go away, it does. I wish we didn't have to feel all this.  So sorry for your loss.  We get it.

Comment by Beyakiki on March 18, 2013 at 5:31pm
The weekends are hard I expect him to come home climb into bed n hold me tight. Instead I wake up feeling so alone n in tears. It's been a year n two months. I'm sorry for your loss.
Comment by courtice on March 18, 2013 at 4:27pm

A friend told me today that I must continue to love Sara, but to let her go. I'm not sure that you can ever let go entirely. I knew Sara for half my life, which is pretty much my entire adulthood, and she was only my third relationship, second long-term one.

Comment by john on March 18, 2013 at 2:26pm

Hi Jake your are anything but Crazy im nearly 3 month in I wake up very early every with very little sleep and I feel its all been a bad dream  I go past the place where she works and look over to see her coming out [I often would meet her and we would walk back together ] I will always look for her .So so sorry to hear of your loss

Comment by Suz on March 18, 2013 at 1:29pm

Jake,

This is normal and feels totally nuts. My experience is that is decreased little by little. I am a little over a year and I still have evenings that I expect, just for a moment, that Jud will walk in the door. It really does get easier, though. It really does.

Fondly,

Suz

Comment by momtofourkids (Jane) on March 18, 2013 at 12:07pm

I still have moments of denial and disbelief.  Like when I am just going through my day...and I expect him to come home or show up in the room I'm in... It's been almost 9 months.  It still doesn't feel real.

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