I lost my best friend & husband, Rick, on April 17th of this year to Acute Myeloid Leukemia. We have two boys who are 10 & 12. When this saga began with his illness in March I did my best to keep the status quo going. I went to work, the boys went to school and Rick managed the best he could at home as he was in-between jobs. I didn't know it at the time but he was really sick and resting most of the day. Once he started back to work all he could do was come home and rest. I wanted him to quit his job so that he could take care of himself, I offered to work a 2nd part-time job to make ends meet. He wouldn't hear of that, he wanted to take care of us best he could. He actually went to work the day he went into the hospital.
Once he was admitted into the hospital, I still tried to keep the status quo. The boys went to school, I was only going to take a few days off and get his treatment setup and flip-flop between work and the hospital everyday and go home in the evenings to spend time with the boys. I did go back and forth from home and to the hospital for the boys sake but Rick was too sick for me to leave him for any considerable amount of time. Once he was placed on the ventilator I actually considered working part-time as FMLA is unpaid but someone started us a Go Fund account so I stayed at the hospital. Twenty days after being admitted, he died. We had discussed what we could think of before chemo had started and the drugs took over his mind. I thought I had listed everything and was going to do everything he wanted me to. I was by his side everyday, I went home every other day with the boys and I took care of everything best I could.
A week later we had his memorial service, four days later I went back to work and the kids went back to school. They finished school the best they could and I went to work everyday the best I could. Some days that involved crying before work, going into an empty office and crying during work or sitting in my car crying for 10 minutes after work because I couldn't call him on my way out from work. I tried to cook, and clean, do the shopping, help the boys with homework and take care of everything as if our life was the same, as if we were the same. Then it happened, my bottom fell out and I started a freefall. All the emotions I thought I missed somehow hit me like a ton of bricks. Anticipatory grief my foot, more like delayed grief!
I couldn't get out of bed on some days but I was expected to be at work, so I went in late a few days. That didn't go over well. The boys wanted to stay at home, my mom was coming out trying to get them out of the house, some days that work, others it didn't. Then my son sent me a text at work that said he felt dead inside, he just couldn't feel anything without his Dad. That was the final straw, I completely lost it at work and couldn't keep myself together anymore. I was exhausted, still am, emotionally and physically and so are our sons. I went to the doctor the next day and I couldn't stop crying when she was asking questions about how I was doing. Reality hit that not many people had been asking that question and I had been trying to keep up the status quo that we were okay, "we are managing" had been my answer. But I didn't have the strength to do it anymore. I broke down in my doctor's office and admitted to myself that I am depressed with grief. I can't keep it up and I won't. I took a break to take care of myself and my boys.
I still feel so broken down. The 3 month anniversary just passed and I stayed busy with my sister and niece. The boys hung out with friends and overall we all had a good day. It's been a mix bag of emotions since I've been home but the boys seem to be allowing their feelings come out with me. They will just come sit and talk and have a good cry. We cry together many days but it's helped. I'm not feeling as overwhelmed, the anxiety is still with me but the paralyzing sadness has subsided some. I pray this is our rock bottom and we can start coming up.