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Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

I write this as I listen to cars traveling in the snowy, slushy rain making that lovely swooshing sound that used to send a sense of calm through me. It is a calm that I can't quite capture through my grief but am reminded that it used to be there. It is unseasonably cold but I have the windows open anyway. I need the fresh air. Is it a coincidence that you leave me in the same year we don't get to have a spring? I don't know but it feels like the weather is mourning you too.

I search for you everywhere I go. I know this is common but it still feels so lonely not finding you anywhere. I look for you in your chair, on your side of the bed, when I'm out running errands. Every time I walk the sidewalks we traveled together I imagine you there next to me, smiling that beautiful smile of yours but then it isn't real and I keep walking alone, without you.

Our animals look for you still, not as much as they did at first but I think they still haven't quite figured it out yet. I've tried to explain it to them but I know they don't understand and probably never will. I don't know how their minds work but I just hope that they don't think you left them on purpose. I don't know why but that is important to me. Your love for them was so beautiful and I want them to know that it still exists somewhere. It has to because it has to still exist for me too.

I was always the skeptic in our relationship and you opened my mind a little bit but I don't know where to put my beliefs right now. Christianity was never our thing but some sort of spirituality was always a part of us and without you I don't know where my spiritual beliefs land. All I know is what I have learned from the moment I met you, I believe in love. I believe it has it's own energy and energy never dies. I don't know if we keep our consciousness when we go but something tells me that that love energy is so strong it remains with us after we leave our bodies. I have to believe that.

You were my everything, S. In fact, you still are my everything. My grief for you consumes me but I don't know where that will lead me. I don't know how long I can hold onto that and still exist in this earthly realm where our energies are tied to these human bodies and we have linear time and responsibilities...and loneliness and emptiness.

I would love to figure out time travel and relive the last ten and a half years with you, maybe even be able to save you this time but that would get me nowhere as we don't have the power to stop death. We don't have the power to stop time. We don't have any power at all over how this deep love takes us over and then is replaced with deep gut wrenching pain when it is broken into pieces.

I will keep looking for you, I don't know how not to. You are still everywhere around me...but now you're nowhere too. I love you so much, S. To the moon and back. Always.

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Comment by Jess on April 8, 2016 at 3:45am

I too feel consumed by grief, my body aches from it.  I sleep on my side of the bed and stretch my hand out to his side wishing he could hold my hand like he used to, I call out his name and close my eyes hoping to feel just a little something, I feel crazy doing this and then cry myself to sleep with my hand still extended. 

Nobody in our house can play with Pepper, our mini schnauzer, like my husband could, I look into Pepper's eyes and ask her where daddy is and then I tell her I am sorry, I am sorry that her playmate left us almost 6 months ago.  I used to record him playing with her and when I see the videos I laugh because I cannot duplicate his funny voice when playing with her.

My faith is strong, I leave it all in His hands and have hope for a better day, it is what my husband believed in at one time before he lost his hope but I have forgiven him.  Today I just accept my grief, I will let the tears flow one, two, three times daily, I will tell people I am not doing good, I will not fake smile, instead I will exist here in this place, for as long as I need to, where it is lonely and sad but I do NOT expect to be here forever.  I have a life to live, the broken can be mended as long as we have hope, as long as we allow others to help us, and as long as we have a desire to remember our spouses and believe that they would want us to live a good life even if it is without them.  Let us remain gentle with ourselves.

Comment by Hope on April 7, 2016 at 8:45am

I just pray we all find a way to find peace. This is so hard a road. Thank you for expressing your deep thoughts.

Comment by Ren on April 7, 2016 at 7:29am

I asked my friend/grief counselor yesterday, "will there ever be a time when I don't cry every day." She assured me that time would come, and I do believe that too.  I see much of myself in your post.  My thoughts of him consume so much of my day and I ask "where are you, honey?"  There are times when I feel him with me, but most of the time I feel alone.  This is so new, living my life without him.  My world revolved around him, and still seems to, even though he's gone.  I know that will lessen in time.  What saddens me is I also know that as time passes our relationship will become only a part of my past and I'll forget the little things that I now hold onto.  Moving forward without him I'll need to grow to accept, but I'm not quite there yet.

Comment by deaf widow on April 7, 2016 at 3:49am

Boy, if only I could turn back the clock, I'd jump on it in a heartbeat!  It is silent here now without the conversations..."Honey, will you scratch my back"?, "What's for dinner, honey"?, "Wanna go out and have coffee, honey"?  The animals have gotten sadder, too.  They miss their daddy (he was the favorite).  Even the TV is quiet....he had it on 24/7 (partly to drown out my snoring when I slept beside him).  Turn back the clock?  You betcha!!!!

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