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The past several days have been tough. Saturday was the 7 year anniversary of Joanne’s passing. My feelings started to tank by Thursday afternoon and hit bottom Sunday night. I barely slept that night and was reeling with exhaustion on Monday.
I don’t know why it happens. I don’t know if it will ever stop happening. It is what it is. Today, I’m feeling like myself again. I’m sure some of it is a choice. I can decide not to be bummed out this time of year. But it also helps me to remember. Not necessarily to remember the day she died but to remember the beautiful love we had. To remember her.
It’s also a time of introspection. How far have I come? What are my next steps moving forward? How can I do more for the kids? Not so I can understand. There really isn’t going to be any understanding for me to grasp at this point. I’m beyond trying to understand. It’s about acceptance now.
I want to share something with you from a devotional called Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. (http://sarahyoungdevotions.blogspot.com) It speaks to understanding:
Understanding will never bring you Peace. That’s why I have instructed you to trust in Me, not in your understanding. Human beings have a voracious appetite for trying to figure things out, in order to gain a sense of mastery over their lives. But the world presents you with an endless series of problems. As soon as you master one set, another pops up to challenge you. The relief you had anticipated is short-lived. Soon your mind is gearing up again: searching for understanding (mastery), instead of seeking Me (your Master).
The wisest of all men, Solomon, could never think his way through to Peace. His vast understanding resulted in feelings of futility, rather than in fulfillment. Finally, he lost his way and succumbed to the will of his wives by worshiping idols.
My Peace is not an elusive goal, hidden at the center of some complicated maze. Actually, you are always enveloped in Peace, which is inherent in My Presence. As you look to Me, you gain awareness of this precious Peace. (Proverbs 3:5-6; Romans 5:1; 2 Thessalonians 3:16)
That sums up how I got out of the funk of the last few days.
Today’s Gospel was about Jesus walking on the water (Matthew 14:22-36). Peter asked Jesus to call him on the water which he did. The minute Peter took his eyes off Jesus, he began to sink. In times of struggle, it would do us well to stay focused on Jesus instead of focusing on what’s causing the struggle. It’s the difference between sinking or staying afloat, being confused or understanding.