Who am I?

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Comment by Lauralee on August 16, 2012 at 10:25pm

I would like to think I could be a better or new person eventually after the shock and sadness passes.  I know I had to become stronger quite fast in order to deal with my husband's family less than a week after his death and beause we had not completed our wills, they kicked me out of my home and legally (according to the lawyer I hired) were able to keep all his possessions (including all his clothes, our furniture and personal momentos and his wedding ring).  It is all unforgiveable but it definitely makes a person stronger and a little bitter.  I am working on erasing the bitterness because I am really not that way and don't like that I feel it.

Now I am faced with another new part of being single again - I had a teary meltdown in front of a male friend last week, who has been a very good friend for a long time and as he comforted me, things went from being friendly to being romantic (on his part).  I know I am not ready (not sure I will ever be) but am very confused as to what to do next.  I don't want to date - I still feel married.  I still wear my wedding rings, have photos of Robert in every room, relationship status "married" on Facebook, the whole nine yards.  As everyone on this site says - I didn't expect to have to deal with any of this and I don't want to.  Help!

Comment by bad ass widow on August 16, 2012 at 1:30pm

I dont think I have ever heard that great things were going to come either and I am 3 years out.  But in retrospect, great things have happened that would not have happened if Keith were still alive.  I have faced challenges and refound my independence.  I have met amazing people thru here.  I have found a new appreciation for people and things.  None of this was a noticable change but a gradual one.  Life is full of changes, no 2 days are the same, and even though I hear people say same old, same old, when asked whats new, I know thats not true. Yes, I would rather have my husband here with me but thats a change I cant make.  So major or subtle, changes happen.  All you have to do is take one step at a time and do whatever you need to do to get thru.

(((hugs)))

Comment by honeys(puddin) on August 16, 2012 at 11:00am

Personally I've never read or heard that I would turn out better than before.  Definitely new as in different.  Forever different than before my Honey left.  At this point I feel that I'm a worse version of myself than before.  At this point I don't care about a whole lot of things in my life so I feel sorry for whoever is in my life "post Honey".  Good luck on your path:)

Comment by telechick on August 16, 2012 at 9:40am

Kim, yes that's very similar for me.  I'm reverting to my "single" self who lives on sandwiches and doesn't clean as often as she should and who reads instead of watching TV.  I've just read things by so many people who say that they think their new widowed self is better/stronger/different and I don't feel that. It's almost like the past 8 yrs never happened except that now I'm really sad and I cry a lot more.  We didn't have kids, so really on the surface you'd never know I was ever married aside from the photos and the rings on my right hand.

Comment by kimkirt (KK) on August 16, 2012 at 9:03am

I'm not ever sure I've heard from anyone great things are going to come and I'm nearing my 10 month mark. I know I'm not the person I was before because of the hole in my heart, and I was also thrust into single motherhood, which I never wanted either. So these new roles make up a new part of the old me. I suppose that is where the changes are, subtly. We are not longer the "marrieds" and like my counselor once told me, we no longer live in that world. That part of us is gone as well. I do feel different without the security of marriage, perhaps less confident. I also find traits of the old old me coming back. The me I was before I met my husband, that old "single" me. I hardly watch TV, I fix mostly frozen meals, I listen to all my old music. So I suppose this is all the "new me", the things that were out of my control that I've been forced to do now (single parenthood, unmarried woman) and the old comfort things of my single life (old music, reading, etc.). These are what is creating the "new me". I don't find that they are great things, but they are different things coming together to form me as I travel this new path. 

Comment by madcubana on August 15, 2012 at 10:18pm

wow, i can relate on so many levels to your blog.  people say that great things are going to come and that a new you will resurface...but you think, why did it have to be this way.  is it just a generic way of trying to be positive about something they can't even fathom in their life?

i wish you all the best.  i think about the same things but you are much more eloquent. i do the same things now because i have to, even eat.  something i never thought twice about before.