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Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

Why?  I think we all ask ourselves that question on this journey.  Why is is not okay to say what you truly feel without worrying about it offending some one?  Why started out as the title but changed in the progress of writing this.  No offense intended but this is my thoughts on the events tonight and a comment that I saw, maybe not aimed at me but the person it was said to was a part of the original conversation.

Maybe I am a bit touchy tonight but no one truley knows who the real me is.  Truth be known you probaby never will know who she/I really/am/is.  Death does that to some of us.  We build that WALL that keeps us safe.

I have listened a lot and to people talk and try to relate to where they are but I find even here that when you speak up and say your piece it is not welcome.  It feels like it is okay for some but not for others and I for one do not like that.  Why should I have to worry about saying what I think and feel?  Oh, I forgot, it might offend someone and we defintely do not want to do that.

Sorry, I don't buy that BS.  I am just as human as the next person, with real feeling to.  I have to say that for me I am glad I have kept that wall up as it keeps me safe.  One thing my husband taught me and taught me well was to say what was on your mind.  I am finding that people don't like to hear what is on your mind or the truth for that matter.

I am so tired of the whiners and people who chose to be victims.  I so much want to tell them we are all hurting but I can't because it might offend them and we definitely do not want to offend anyone, do WE?  I refuse to play the victim, been there done that and it serves no purpose.  In fact it does a diservice to who we trulu are. 

I will say that she is thankful that she has rebuilt that wall built around her heart again for only the second time in her life..  In order to get through that wall you have to know who the real Janet is.  She doesn't share much because the wall keeps safe.  She knows now that no one will ever get through that wall agian because she will never share her feeling or emotions again here or with another human being.  She is a very private person and keeps that wall safely built so no one can intrude on who she really is.

Every once in a while she does sneak out and say's her peice only to find that it offends people.  When it does she goes back into her shell where she knows she is safe.  At least in her shell, she knows that people can not hurt her.  She is safe there. 

Will you ever get to know the true Janet?  I doubt it because you ain't going to like her or the things she has to say.  Her husband taught her well on being Honest and it seems that people don't want to hear the honest truth.  As a very dear friend said "HOW" in some blogs he wrote.  "Honesty, Openess and Williigness"

I am me and you can either take me or leave me.  If I offend you are I am sorry but I am who I am.  I will not change who I am to please people.

Tonight taught me a huge lesson.  Never again will I ever say what I am truly feeling.  That wall is my safetly and after tonight and will probably never come down again, not here or in any relationship.  It will take a lot of work and time to tear that  wall down agian.  You see that wall keeps me safe.  That is allI have to keep me safe from the outside world and it shall remain for a very long time because I am not willing to let it come down at least not now.

Trust is not something I do not have right now and may never have again.  Only time will tell on that subject.

Wishing you all Peace and Hope in your journey.

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Comment by kimkirt (KK) on November 9, 2012 at 8:10am

Janet, just want  you to know that I always enjoy you in chat and on FB. I don't know the situation, but I hope it doesn't keep you away too long, but I do understand if you would need your space. I think we've all been stung one time or another, but we just can't let it get the best of us. And I, for one, don't want the real you hiding behind a wall, unless you let me sneak around it and hide back there with you. xoxo friend.

Comment by Soaring Spirits on November 7, 2012 at 1:23pm

Janet, as someone who has a fairly big mouth (I'm talking about me) I have learned that some kind of "wall" is helpful  because people will often reply to me in the same spirit I gave them. Rather than seeing that as a wall, I can see it as a healthy boundary that I developed -- I'd rather have lively discussions and once in a while have to apologize than live among the forever dull. And one thing about we widowed, we are not dull!

I am also gleaning that this discussion may have been about a religious topic. Yes, as several commenters have said, it's a good topic to AVOID in general here, as in any very diverse group.

AND it was election day.

So I hope you can understand this as a factor of the "people soup" that is this diverse and unmoderated community. Come back when you're ready... and do let me know offline if you want to talk privately. It's not something I feel I need to "control" (AS IF I COULD) but sometimes I can help members see things from a different perspective.



Comment by Marsha on November 7, 2012 at 1:00pm

Janet, I do not know what happened in chat and cannot comment. I do know I have respected your opinion and enjoy your company in chat. We are a diverse community and even when I have disagreed with someone, I have respected their opinion. The one thing I do know is I do not have to agree with anyone. I just have to respect their right to say how they feel. I believe it is good to have varying opinions as it challenges me to think about my ideas and possibly to change and grow. I have a hard fast rule to not engage in politics and religious discussions. Way to volitile and not worth the headache in my opinion. I do understand the wall. I believe we all have it and let it down when we are around someone who has earned our trust. This takes time. I do hope to see you in chat again and value your friendship. Take care and see you soon. (((((Hugs)))))

Comment by bramky on November 6, 2012 at 6:42pm
Janet, not one who posts much but read other posts to get me through this difficult journey, and I have gotten some help with everyone's posting here, including yours. Knowing I am not alone in this horrible experience, I would hate to see you go away or not being able to speak your mind. I've become so sensitive to sayings, & people, that I would prefer to hide under a rock & stay there, but I know for my boys sake I can't. I don't join chat , maybe someday I will, but for now I stay away. From reading some of y'all conversations, lots of good friendships have been created. Know you're loved and a valued friend. (((((Janet)))))
Comment by Joyce on November 6, 2012 at 5:53pm

Janet, I for one would really miss you if you stopped coming to chat.  I don't know the circumstances but we all need each other and cec is right we need to agree to disagree.  There have been many times in chat that i've actually erased what I've wanted to say.  @Amy - I love you Happiness and your irreverant sense of humor, I sure hope you didn't back-off of chat.  We all grieve and we all need the distraction sometimes.

Comment by Morgana (Janet) on November 6, 2012 at 4:25pm

Thank you all for the comments.  I will probably be back in chat at some point just not sure when.  Been lurking but not ready to step back into chat yet. 

Wishing you all Peace and Hope.

Comment by AEDforever (Ali) on November 6, 2012 at 2:56pm

Janet,  I am sorry you are feeling this way. The human condition is a fragile one. We unfortunately can hurt each other, most times unintended I believe. Wishing you peace.

Comment by bj628(Bonnie) on November 6, 2012 at 10:17am

Dear Sweet friend, I wasn't there. I think chat should be a "safe" place for us. We go there for support, and to not feel alone. To be with friends who understand our grief. It is a place for Grief support, also to joke and cheer each other up.

I was a chat host for Many years. I even wrote a chat nettiquet. The chat room was open 24/7 like here, but we also had 2 Hosted chats daily. To welcoe "newbies" to offer hope and support.

We all have our views on religion, we are diverse population here. The same with politics. These can get to be very voilitie subjects and down right offensive to some. We should be considerate of others.

I think the chat room is there for support, to make friends, to help comfort give hope and HELP. To make friends that often become more like Family.  This should be a Safe place where we can Trust & Respect each other on this Awful journey we have been thrown into.

Love & hugs to a wonderful friend

Comment by jean on November 6, 2012 at 9:53am

Janet, as you can plainly see from these comments.. you are loved and valued. (((Hugs))) 

Comment by bad ass widow on November 6, 2012 at 9:25am

Janet ((Hugs)).  I am not sure what this is about, but I do know that everyone is entitled to their opinions especially as it relates to their own life.  I was once sent a message by someone here that they wouldnt come on when I was on because  my comments are a little too "happy" and "distracting" from the real issue of grief.  I agree with Cec, I would hope that we are all adult enough to realize that everyone has an opinion and while it may not be popular or what that person wants to hear at that time, its that persons opinion or truth and they should be respected for it.

(((Hugs))) sweetie.

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