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wish it was as easy as the theorists say

I am at that stage when I "should be over it".  It has been 14 months now.  I have lately started getting some advice from friends.  Why don't you:  join a group? take up a new hobby? maybe do some of that travelling you have been planning so long? Why don't you: see if you can find another lady to travel with? consider going into a retirement village? maybe move closer to one of your children? Why don't I do all of that?  Because the theory is different to the reality. Altering one thing in the life you have will not make you happier or less lonely.

All of my children will move next year.  So what would be the use of moving closer to one of them? There are money issues I still need to settle with my husband's estate, there is still a lot to do on the house. I love my kids and I do want to spend time with them but I am not sure I want to move closer to one when that will mean making new friends etc.  None of them would want me to be dependent on them and unless I have to I am going to live on my own and live my own life for as long as possible.

There is the matter of loneliness and aloneness.  I could go on a holiday trip and still have a lonely time, I need people around me but I also need one particular person to be there for me and for me alone.  I don't want to be needy but I have been a member of a couple ofor 44 years so I am used to being part of a couple, not being on my own. I guess the solution to that is to slowly get used to it.

I have always been a busy person, sometimes too busy so I don't want to take on too many new things at once.  I see all the posts here about volunteering and in the past that has been how I filled my life, with either paid or unpaid work, and maybe that is a possibility in the future but that is also a financial issue as travelling too and from...wherever it is I will also costly in fuel etc.  Even eating out versus eating at home is a problem with some of my dietary limitations.

We are all facing these issues in one form or another, we all take steps to alleviate the loneliness and the pain, there is no one size fits all solution. I am better now than I was six months ago.  I feel as if I am thinking clearer. I know I still have a long way to go but I also know that I will get there, somehow.  It is just all those steps in between that scare me.



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Comment by TomsWife (Jodi) on November 29, 2013 at 3:40pm
Wow. Thank you. I almost see hope.
Comment by my roses on November 26, 2013 at 12:14am

My roses  November 26th

Only 1Sue - yes the same old issues that get served up to us regularly. I have heard nearly every one of those comments and I am at  the 10th month.  I think you are in Australia ? like me.  I was being driven with a man friend of Wes and I and he was compassionate.  I was in his car because I had an infection in my eyes and had to start organising the funeral... but could not drive at that time. This was about 12 days after Wes passed away.  He  told me I should think about selling both cars and getting one I could manage better. (I was still the same height,  but thinner).  I should sell the house  go into something much smaller and then I could use the money to travel, or I should just rent for the rest of my life. (Renting to me is a disaster you have no control over the rising cost, you have inspections etc)  I was not in a fit state to even think about clearing the house and selling it, and  would not want to travel now, or even later. If I did I would prefer to have a companion to travel with.  I agree that changing bits of your life, doing volunteering make very little difference to your grief.  I have done voluntary counselling and advice work for the last 4 yrs, even while Wes was somewhat ill. But I did not go to an office, I did it from home.  Many of the people I know have families and lots of relatives, they have not experienced a serious loss.  The concept of loneliness is beyond them.  Because they ALWAYS know that  even if they are alone in the house now, a person is coming home from work... until they don't of course.  I explained it to one friend like this:  his wife is a teacher and sometimes sleeps over for one night or two due to her work.  I said imagine what it is like when your wife is having a sleep over, or even 2 nights, how do you feel?  What about how it is when she is never in the bed ever again?  He did not say anything..... 

Today I went to an agency (social work and help with bills) and when I got there 2 men arrived. The door was not yet open.  An aboriginal man was there and another man.  Alan, the aboriginal man started talking with us, he was distressed and in grief.  He said he had many losses.  I  said I understand and we talked about this.  The other man then said he was in grief as he had lost his wife to cancer. He was her carer and he got sick with prostate cancer after she died.  So  WOW all 3 of us in grief.  When we got inside I chatted to the former Carer and told him about this website.  The aboriginal man talked to me again and  I said I understand how you feel.  I told him he was a handsome man... He was tall, slender, with straight thick dark hair. He had a lovely smile.  He then said to me you are pretty.  Later he explained that he had lost his partner - a blonde woman - and they had lived together for many years in State of Victoria.  10 years later he was still alone and wanted companionship. We were sitting outside the building as I was due to leave to go to sing at a service. As I was about to leave he was called in for his appointment.  He held my hand and I put my arm around him and walked him back to the building.  He said he wanted to take me to have a meal, he said he did not want sex he wanted companionship.  This experience of the three of us meeting today was very moving. I think God brought us together to learn something.

Comment by MsKris12 on November 25, 2013 at 12:26pm

((SUE))    I am at that stage when I "should be over it".  Don't you concern yourself with being OVER IT.  It isn't something anyone gets over.     You are not needy at all, you are human.  God designed us to be part of a couple.  Two by Two.  It is normal to want to have that one person who wants to hear all about your day, who is concerned when you are late getting home, or not feeling well.  Just knowing someone else is in the house.  It will come, all of it.  When it is time.  All those steps are scary, when you are looking at them all at the same time, just take one step at a time, and before you know it you have climbed a mountain of steps.  Some might take the easiest step first because is allows for a sense of progress or accomplishment, others might take the most challenging step, just to be done with it and get it out of the way.  Pick your "step" and do what you think is best for YOU.  I swear I'm part gypsy and if I could I would move every few years or so, just to experience life in other places.  I have been where I am for 12 years, the longest I have lived anywhere and worked anywhere.  I always said there was just too much out there to sit still.  The problem with moving to be closer to my children?  They all live in different locations and will most likely, like yours, move at some point, while they are finding their way in the world.  My dad's advice (the best!) stay put!  Children will always come home and they need a home to come to, so make it the best you can because that is what they will need and remember.

My best to you , it is wonderful to hear that you have recognized the progress you have made from even 6 months ago!


Comment by Phyllis on November 25, 2013 at 4:21am

Liz and Sue:  you must be my clones.  I am 15 months out, just turned 65 (how did THAT happen???), and married for 43 years at the time Don died.  Like Liz, I have a wide array of single friends, and I am grateful for that, but that's not enough.  I want that one person to be with me or to come home to to make everything else worthwhile.  I thought the one year mark would be just that - a starting again mark.  But this second year is harder than the first.  The fog has lifted.   I am busy enough, too busy, really.  I'm tired of running away and don't know how to stop and learn to accept.  The grief support group did not work.  I am thinking of seeing a counselor.  I have been binge eating and acting very impulsively lately and I have to get a handle on that.  I miss not having a man in my life to talk to on a daily basis, and somehow having three great brothers-in-law does not fill that bill.  I don't want anything physically outside of someone to hug or take my hand, and other times I think if I can't have Don with his opinions, his laugh, etc., I don't want any man.  I guess we don't know what we want outside of what we can't have.  

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