A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation
Wish WV's were local - bit of a ramble.
I wrote this on a "meet-up" site in the Chicago area but I think it's lost in cyber space. Thought I'd copy it here but after reading again felt compelled to add some.
This is my first post here. (I joined months ago but sort of wrote off this group right after...two reasons: In my late 50's and feel I'm too old for this site. You know, "too old to be young and too young to be old". Also, it seems there is very little activity - so far no meet-ups posted in months.
When I first stumbled on this site I was searching, and still am, for kindred spirit(s) with whom I could relate and commiserate.
It's confusing out there on the web. Many google results to the search for say, "widowed groups" or "widowed loss" "bereavement, loss of spouse" and anything else I could think of to find another person in my shoes who wanted to get together (in grief) to talk, hopefully find a common bond and end up with a new friend who you understand and who understands you. Many of the results seem to be MATCH UP (for dating) websites.
My husband (It still seems so impossible) died at the end of January 2011. I lost the person who thrilled me, who shared most all my experiences, jokes, sayings, smiles, humor, love and memories that make me who I am.
He was my biggest supporter and greatest fan, I was his. Now, 17 months later, I get through the days. When I'm with people I can live in the moment. When I'm alone, in or out of the house he is there in my heart, thoughts and mind. Smiles, sayings, his presence always coming back to me.
I'm no longer present like before January 21, 2011. Seems like the real me doesn't exist anymore.
I figure in time somehow my life will sort itself out. (It has to, doesn't it?)
I hadn't expected to pour these feelings out in this venue. God, it's sounds like a huge downer and pity party. It's not like that all the time. I can mostly put these feelings aside and live in the moment. It's a well known saying "love makes the world go round". If that is the case then by the same token, losing that love would naturally make the world STOP.
(The following was added -- Suddenly the world as we've known it ceases to exist. It is replaced with emptiness and despair. The ground is gone, the main connection to life and self are gone so... there is nothing to hold on to, not only the heart but identity is wiped out.)
Shouldn't there be other's in similar shoes nearby... to meet, share, understand? Wouldn't you think there would be masses of them? (Maybe not masses considering the divorce rates and breakups but...If you go by WV there a lot of people here who know the love I'm talking about...who have loved deeply. They (we) share and reach out --because, where is there another outlet to find people like us?
For the longest time I've been looking for a life raft to cling to...in the form of real people who I have met due to a common bond of loss...to help each other through the rough patches and feel safe...through which real friendship grows. That has not happened yet.
The days go on but the question remains...
How to... get back a life and get the world to spin again?
Views: 95
Comment
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VOLUNTEER Comment by Supa Dupa Fresh on June 24, 2012 at 9:21pm -
Oh! I'm sorry I missed the point, didn't read the last few comments.... Sorry!
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VOLUNTEER Comment by Supa Dupa Fresh on June 23, 2012 at 9:13am -
Hi there, i'm sorry to hear you've had trouble connecting. There are so many ways here but I know it can be overwhelming. Do you receive the emails with guidance on how to use the site? are you listed on the map? Did you connect with folks your age in a "born in (decade)" group? There are MANY people in their 50s here... And it IS an in between age group that often feels left out.
More options are coming, but in person connections are so important. If you want local resources, the best place to look is at local organizations like hospice, which offer in-person support groups to anyone. In many cases, there are clusters by age. In Chicago, you have dozens of groups offering support. PM me and I will hook you up. And look at Amy's note about others near you... They are here.
If you'd like to help us provide more services, we can always use volunteers!
So thanks for speaking out and let's talk offline about targeting exactly what YOU need!
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Comment by 1mrypp on June 20, 2012 at 11:26pm -
Joyce, you are right! I have not given up on this site. (Given up on the {supposed} local meet-up site.
Thanks to Joyce, Marsh, B. A. widow, Tiffany, Janet, KK, Lynne, and Suz for reading my writing .... and validating these feelings. Thank you too for your friendship. I very much appreciate you all taking the time to give your point of view or/and share your thoughts.
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Comment by Joyce on June 19, 2012 at 11:11pm -
Hi Mary, I agree about meeting local people and have checked out meet-up sites to no avail also. I read this more than once and just wanted to point out to others that the first couple of paragraphs were written for a meet-up group not this site and I don't think Mary is giving up on WV, but that's just how I read it.
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Comment by Marsha on June 19, 2012 at 10:55pm -
Mary,This journey is so confusing. Just made 17 months as you well know since we are just days apart with our losses. So hard to figure out who we are. Have tried meet up to see what groups are available. Can't even figure out what my interests are to try and find a group I could join. Some I've looked into seem to be for very young people. Just so many questions all of us have with very few if any answers. Would love to have someone close to talk with and not only receive but give support with the many tasks we now find ourselves with. Really not sure where I belong. Love WV and the support and friends I've made. Understand how sometimes though we don't feel we belong any where. Going in cycles with being on WV. Just know always glad to see old friends and unfortunately make new ones. Do wish we lived closer as I think we would have become very good friends. Just glad I met you. Sending (((((hugs))))) your way and pray you find peace and comfort. Do hope you stay and I can talk with you soon. Love ya! Marsha
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Comment by bad ass widow on June 19, 2012 at 5:19pm -
Hi, I wish you had posted this before. There are so many of us from the Chicago area. If not in Chicago, around Chicago, north of Chicago, etc. A couple of have met a couple of times for lunch and plan to do so in the future. Our little lunch group has included people from Southern Wisconsin as well. Our plan is to have lunch about once a month at different locations, trying to even out the driving time for all of us. Our ages vary from the 30's to the 60's, which is great because sometimes I feel a lot younger then I am and sometimes I feel as old as the hills. LOL The common denominater we all have is we have all lost our partners, age has nothing to do with that, and we all "get" each other. The people I have met on here either in person or on chat have helped me so much, always a (((hug))) available.
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Comment by lovie on June 19, 2012 at 5:00pm -
1mrypp, I, too, would love to have a chance to meet face to face with other widows to share our grief, sorrows, hopes, and joys, but there is no where to do so near me. However, I am looking forward to attending Camp Widow in August to do just that. Have you considered going this year? Although I have not "friended" personally the many wonderful people on this site, I think it will be so heartwarming to meet all of those whom I have connected to through various posts and forums. I hope you will eventually find what you need here or elsewhere to help you trudge through this journey toward peace and renewed living again. Take care...Tiffany
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Comment by janet on June 19, 2012 at 4:20pm -
Hi 1mrypp, I so understand what you are saying. I too was a bit discouraged with this site at first. But I kept returning and have made some truly wonderful friends for life. The get it and understand where I am coming from. I am 64 and my husband was 58 when he passed on 11/01/211, so I am barely past the 7.5 month mark.
This site and the wonderful, caring people here have been a life saver for me. They have helped me in so many ways that I cannot even begin to tell you. I would not trade the friends I have made here for anything in the world. Give the site and us another chance. You might be suprised at the friends you make here and some live in and close to the Chicago area.
You might also see if Widowed Persons Services has a group close to you. I am just now getting to a point where I can get out and start to make new friends and interact with people again in the outside world. So I am slowing getting involved with the Young Widowed Persons Services Group and will probably volunteer my time 4 hours a week to answer the phone for WPS.
(((HUGS))) to you. I am so sorry for your loss and what you are going through. We are all here to help if you need us.
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Comment by kimkirt (KK) on June 19, 2012 at 4:00pm -
1mrypp - I hope you will give this site another chance. I live in a small town, there are no spousal grief groups, there is one general bereavement group that meets conveniently at 4:30 on a Thursday (not so conducive to a working gal). So I found here, and here has been my lifesaver. I would come here in the beginning (I am going on 8 months) and cry and and grieve and the support was amazing. No, I could not feel their arms around me physically, but emotionally the support has been like no other. I will say this site has saved me. I have found friends here. CLOSE friends. They don't live near me, some thousands of miles away, most several hundred, none within driving distance to grab a cup of coffee, so what I do is I grab my morning cup of coffee, or my evening glass of wine and go in chat. And we laugh, and we cry, and we laugh, and we cry some more and they GET ME. They get it that I can laugh and joke one minute, but be bawling my eyes out the next. Two weeks ago my parents moved, it devastated me, I immediately came here, I went in chat, asked if I could break in and the resulting support was overwhelming. I could cry just thinking about it. As that day continued, I received phone calls from my friends here checking on me. Emails, posts, or just asking me when they saw me popping back into chat. If I had to choose now between a local group or the bonds I've formed here, my friends here will win hands down.
The Chicago get together is 11 hours from me, but my friends here know what it means to me, that trip. It's not just to see "the bean", it's a spiritual healing journey. It's a trip without my husband. It's a journey to see those who are traveling my path. It is a bucket list check mark. It is to give and get those hugs in person from those that I have grown to love and worry about like family. My new found friends at WV.
Please give here a chance. I think you will be surprised at the bonds you may form.
Love and hugs,
KK
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Comment by Lynne on June 19, 2012 at 3:52pm -
Just a quick note to say that I feel much the same, in wishing that WV's were local. It would be so good to have the opportunity to meet and talk with others, who are in similar situations, on a regular basis. I keep looking around, as well, but haven't had any luck so far. Also, Suz, I SO hear what you're saying about the "filling in" or complimentary aspects of partners in long marriages - it was the exact same between my husband and myself. It is daunting, this recreating of ourselves and filling in the missing pieces, isn't it? Still, it feels necessary and WELL worth trying to do. I want to be a whole person again and even though I will forever miss my husband, I don't want to do without the pieces that he filled in for me. (I hope I'm making sense, btw, because I'm not feeling especially articulate about this right now!) Wishing you both peace, growth and healing. Lynne
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