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Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

Without Your Light

There is only darkness

Deep, dark sorrow

That is never ending

 

Without your light

There is no future, it has been stolen

Only past memories now

Which are too painful to think of

 

Without your light

I am alone

Devistated and heartbroken

Surrounded by gloom

 

Without your light

I am nothing

You were my light, my life, my love

There is no light, only darkness now.

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Comment by lostwithouthim on September 6, 2016 at 9:37pm

Nieta, "Thankfully, they leave a part of us that cannot die behind with us. And the love remains"....these words are so true. One day I know that when I think of him I will smile and be happy to have our memories (when I think of the good stuff the happiness only remains for a split second and then despair once again).

My plan is go to through his belongings in one year. A friend of mine offered to make me a quilt with some of his clothes so I will definitely do that. I also spoke to his parents and childhood friends and they would also like something of his. I find comfort in having his things. His clothes are still in our dresser and in the closet and his ashes are on his nightstand. I still feel very close to him in our bedroom. When I retreat to have a meltdown or just a short cry I feel that he is around trying to comfort me at times.

This journey has so many twists and turns! Lately it seems like there are no good days and I am back those first few days. I don't know why, but I thought that I would be feeling better, well not better but more capable of coping. I don't know!! Grief is so confusing. I will be returning to work in the next couple weeks and feel that it will be a positive distraction. I have many supportive coworkers. Thank you for saying that when I get a little stronger and try to take steps forward that I will not be forgetting him or putting distance between the two of us because I think that is exactly what I think it is going to feel like when I am able to do that. But I will cross that bridge when I get to it.

sending light and laughter your way:)

Comment by Nieta on September 4, 2016 at 3:42pm

The sadness never really goes away but it does get more manageable with time.  Even now, some days/moments are better than others.

In my early days I felt like I was going crazy and I too felt utterly lost.  There were times at work that I felt the tears welling up and knew I was going to fall apart so, I got up quickly, ran to the handicapped bathroom on our floor and let the tears come out for a few minutes.  I then washed my face a bit and went back to my desk.  When someone asked me if I was all right, I could not look them in the eye for fear of starting up again and simply nodded and put my hand up to silently let them know that I was fine for now but that I needed to focus on something else.

Another time another friend/colleague asked me how I was and I quietly whispered, " just feel so lost."  She simply gave me a hug and then I went into the handicapped bathroom for a couple of minutes to collect myself before going back to my desk.  Even now, as I type these words,  I am silently crying because, even though I am managing better than before, I still miss him very much.  Thankfully, they leave a part of us that cannot die behind with us.  And the love remains.

I donated a lot of his clothing to those in need in the early stages but there are still a few items that I've decided to keep.  One is an Australian outback raincoat that I remember buying with him and I vividly remember him wearing it.  In fact, I can still smell his scent on it and I'm keeping it because it simply brings me comfort to know it's there. 

This journey is unique to and has many twists and turns - at times you'll feel like you're doing better and other times you may feel as if you've regressed.  Don't lose heart as, there is no manual and no time limit.  Surround yourself with others that are a positive influence in your life, be good to yourself and as you get a little stronger, try to take steps forward.  You are not forgetting him or putting distance between the two of you when you do that.  You are simply taking steps forward and carrying his heart within your heart as you travel your journey. 

Love and Peace,

Nieta

Comment by lostwithouthim on September 3, 2016 at 8:25am

Nieta, thank you so much for those words. It brings me comfort to know that I will not always be in this dark place. Today is 84 days since I lost him. I feel numb and as if I am walking around in very dense fog. I sometimes think that I have cried all my tears away, if I have a day where the tears do not control it. Then out of no where I am bawling into my bowl of cereal!

I can still smell him on one of his pillows. I am dreading the day that his scent is gone. I feel as if I am going crazy at times. I am so lost without him, his love and his light. He was such a great person. I miss him beyond words.

Thank you again, this site and all the support I have received is amazing. It helps immensely to know that I am not the only person in the world going through this. Wishing you a good day today.

Comment by Nieta on September 2, 2016 at 2:15pm

Dear lostwithouthim,

I can feel the pain in your words and I recognize that dark place because I have been there and it is sheer and utter torment.  I know all too well that feeling of feeling lost without your other half.  I have been there and more than 2 1/2 years along in my journey I still feel a little lost sometimes. 

I miss my husband every day.  He is the first person I think of when I open my eyes and the last one before I shut them.  Once in a blue moon I am fortunate enough to dream of him but it is never as often as I would like.  It is my fervent prayer, hope and dream that I will see him again when my own day comes. 

I hope that the dark nightmarish place that has a hold on you will someday morph into the following words...

I have a light

And I will find you

Gone from my sight

My soul will find you

When my day comes

to pierce that veil

nothing will stop me

when I set sail

My light was dimmed

when yours went out

But it will brighten

and we will shout

when reunited my love

Our future here

can be no more

but when I find you

we'll have in store

the memories

that we have made

We will remember them

they will not fade.

One day, when I was coming home from work on the train, I came across the following poster.  That poster, along with your words inspired mine above.

Wishing you peace of mind, love always and the courage and strength to travel this difficult journey.

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