Dear diary, loneliness is loneliness whatever your age and heartbreak is heartbreak. I do think the thinking at my age is different though, so much "stuff" in our heads. I am seeking a companion but I cannot let go of a lot of what I would have to to let someone new into my life. There has to be space for a new relationship and it is 50 years since I was 17.
I think of myself as the princess in the tower. The tower I have built with my own hands, it is made up of all the good things in my life but piled one on another it is a place that I would find difficult to escape from. How does that affect my life? I think it does keep me a prisoner. St Paul talks about throwing off the old life and I know I have to do that but I don't know quite how it will work for me. let's face it I am scared of starting a new life!
When I was in Ireland I went to Twin Lakes where there is a very ancient monastery. There are seven stone churches each built in a different era. There is also a stone tower. It was built by a young monk who was being pursued by a rich widow. He must have felt the effects of her charm because he built himself a tower, got the brothers to wall it up and only communicated by the lowering of a bucket for his supplies. Maybe that is just a legend but I understand the principle of building protective barriers. Maybe that story is just a larger version of what I am doing here?
So in order to come out of the tower I need help from the inside, so I have to remove some of the bricks, and help from the outside as someone else removes some of them. Starting point is a review of my life I guess. What do I have that I could share with someone else in a relationship? There is the obvious, hey I am a woman! and then there is the obvious drawbacks - not in my first flush of youth. But older people do find companionship so it must be possible, mustn't it?
Christmas party season and I have just been to my favourite party which is held by Ray''s old stroke recovery group WAGS. There was a nice lunch and some chat and laughter around the table but there is also dancing so once more I am the Dancing Diva. I stay on the dance floor and other survivors and caregivers come and go. I danced with a couple of single guys who have multiple deficits but managed to put that aside and dance through the pain. I really love the look of joy on their faces, it takes a lot of bravery when you know you have balance problems but they did it anyway. I admire that. I wondered briefly if I could take on someone with disabilities having looked after my Ray for 12 years. Would I be open hearted enough to take on someone who needed some looking after? I don't have an answer to that.
Christmas also means charity appeals and as I am a Lion I help sell raffle tickets in my local shopping centre in a Giant Christmas Stocking. it is a four hour shift twice a week for me and enables me to talk to a lot of people as I sell tickets and our Lions cakes and puddings. Yes, it is lovely to see old acquaintances and some old friends, no it is not going to find me a companion but my fellow Lions, good men and women that they are, do provide some social interaction and some friendships that I really value. So I am not cutting that out of my life. Will a new partner be happy for me to remain a Lion though?
The church part of my life is consuming a lot of time right now. In the time before we get a new minister I am trying to fill in gaps, doing a bit more here and there. I am hoping that will finish when the new person takes over whenever that will be. It is like being in No Man's Land though the work gets done but we are not working towards some final goals. Another example of the uneasiness of change. Coping with that is easier than coping with changes that I have to take responsibility for myself.
And then there is the tangled web of relationships, family, friends, old friendships I still haul along with me though some of them are barely viable. I love my family, love my friends but are they too a part of the fabric of the tower, the barrier behind which I hide?
Should never have eaten whatever kept me awake most of the night. Waxing lyrical at this time of the morning on my future or lack of it is in part due to the foggy way I am thinking due to lack of sleep. But seeing it on paper should help to clear my head. Any comments?