It’s nice the way time can change your perspective. Hopefully people are softened... but you never know. I've met some hardened souls. About a year ago I began reading the hundreds of emails I have that documented my relationship with Edd. Before we met... after we met... throughout our dating... and later into our marriage. They are treasures. But when I first read them a few months after his death all they gave me was deep pain. I saw the love and the joy of what we possessed... and all I could feel was the loss of him.... I missed him so much. I revisited some of those messages recently and was blessed... I heard his voice, his words... they were still speaking to me... giving me strength and encouragement... insight ... and reminding me of, not only what was, but what still IS.... We shared everything and that can never be diminished. There were so many writings between us... but here are just a few....
When I was going through a very challenging time
"Keep that fear away. Just bathe in the situation and let the new crises roll through you like waves. And smile. Ahhhh. That's what I try to do at work. You get used to it after a while, but you do get tired sometimes. Take care. Wish I were there."
While he was reading a book
"In the first half of the book (The Road Less Traveled) I kept thinking about you, especially the section on commitment. I think you show more true commitment than anyone else I've had a relationship with. You always seem to be trying to understand my needs and being there for me. It's a powerful attribute. I'm not really used to it."
When I got a new job
"People give me a hard time about getting organized sometimes, but I think of it as cleaning my gun before I go into battle. You're learning 4 or 5 systems and many applications? It's good to learn. I know you can handle it. They did make a good choice when they hired you. A lesser person would be crushed like a paper cup. I hope you have fun with it."
When revealing I was his priority ... and we'd have no secrets
"Our marriage will be an open book between us. I can see us working together to handle those around us in a positive way when they lob their emotional baggage in our direction. You are my confidant and my partner. We'll try to make the world a better place for ourselves and those around us, sometimes in spite of themselves."
When realizing our love would not be diminished by his illness
"You are more important to me than my own life and will always be. Your recent coaching while painful at the time opened up a whole new dimension in the way I look at our relationship, on specifically how I fit into it and your love for me. You love me for who I am inside, and it doesn't matter if I get physically weak. That is not easy for a man to understand, but I understand it now.... That is huge for me.... Words cannot describe how much I love you. It is like you are part of my body or being. I cannot separate now or ever. I love you."
Whenever he went away on a trip... he said this to me many times.... and some of the last words I spoke back to him the day he died
"See you before you know it....."