A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation
I have come to the realization that I am suffering from very low levels of testosterone. Not my own levels, but those around me. I am literally awash in a sea of estrogen. My 3 animals are female, my closest relatives are female, my closest coworkers are female, the friends I interact with on a regular basis are all female. There is nary a Y chromosome to be found amongst them and I miss it.
I realized this 10 days ago when I was on a backpacking trip with two college room mates and the husband of one of them. It was so nice to be around a guy, just hanging out, having him be chivalrous and for lack of a better word "manly". I don't want to come across as some helpless 50s housewife - I am fully capable of taking care of myself, as are my female friends and relatives, but it's so nice every once in a while to feel taken care of in the way that good guys do. It was only after spending 3 days with John that I understood how much I've missed that feeling. Corey was so sick for the past 2 years that I haven't experienced this care for a long while, but even while Corey was sick there was still his essential maleness and his presence. I loved burying my nose in the crook of his neck and inhaling his phermones. I was automatically soothed. When you're in love with someone, there's nothing better than the smell of their skin.
What I miss equally is being able to melt into Corey's hugs. There's no one I can do that with now. I hug my mother and I hug my friends, male and female, but these hugs are not the same. They are expressions of love, but I can't relax fully into them and just let myself go, secure in the knowledge that, at least for a moment, his arms will keep all the bad things at bay.
I know that I'm in no emotional shape to date yet, but I do long for pair of strong arms to hold me and the phermones of someone I love to soothe my soul.