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We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

Year two is worse than year one, I have heard other widows say. I thought to myself, "surely that can't be true." It probably isn't for everyone, but for me, it seems to be proving true.  

I'm amazed (not in a good way) how hard it has been lately. It seems like only now am I processing the loss a year and three months later. Maybe I didn't let myself feel everything I needed to feel in that first year. I certainly wasn't numb, because I know I was feeling a lot of pain. But now, it is different. It is deep pain. It is overwhelming at times. I'm not sure how to explain what is happening. 

My best guess is that now I have to face my personal pain in addition to grief. As long as I had Alan's unconditional love, I didn't have to face my personal pain. His love was healing to me, and it transcended life itself. But now, without his love, my soul is laid bare like an open wound.  Not only have I lost the love of my life, I have lost the healing salve that covered the deep wounds in my soul.  

So my path now is to heal, not cover up, the wound without my soulmate's presence. Without his love, I have no choice but to find a way to heal. It is a longer process, and there are no shortcuts. I'm angry and resentful that I have to walk this unwanted path. But it is mine to walk, and forward I go. May gods and angels lighten the way.  

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Comment by Susan on December 21, 2017 at 11:41am

Dear DonutMom,m

   I do feel for you. So sorry that family has to be that way. What do people without any loss perspective know of your grief? 

   I'm at the beginning of my 2nd. year. Last year at Christmas, I was more or less in my own world. Paul had passed away from Brain Cancer a couple weeks before Christmas, On the 7th.  But my first Grandson is my little savior! He makes me happy, and I get to tell him about his Grandpa in Heaven. Although he's only a little over 2 mos. I still tell him. 

   I hope this year can be happier for you. 

Love,

Susan

Comment by Donutmom4x on December 20, 2017 at 6:54am

I'm in my 3rd year now.  My 2nd year was a lot worse.  Looking back, some of it had to do with the fact that I was in much disbelief that first year so it was even more real to me in the 2nd year.  Another issue was other people.  Seemed like everyone else (that never had much loss) thought I should be over it after a year. My own mother got tired of dealing with my grief and disowned me. A lot of my family got dragged into it by her and also distanced themselves from me.  I already felt alone and ended up feeling even worse.  My anger really hit its high during the holidays and due to my family. My loneliness was also at its highest point. It was a very dark time.  I am doing much better now. I've still got my moments and think it will always be that way.  He was my everything and I will always miss him. I've just learned that I must still live a life here on earth. I must try to find joy in what I still have around me.  I hold on to my children, grandchildren, friendships, and family that is still there for me. I try to do things that fulfill me and make me feel useful in this world. 

Comment by Susan on December 17, 2017 at 2:54pm

Hi Sherry,

   For me, it's the beginning of Year 2.  I hope it's not worse than the first one. But I seem to be remembering more THING / MEMORIES but forgetting his voice. Last night I listened to the recordings I made of all of his Dr. Appointments So I could I listen to him. ... I can see him in mind. Plus family pictures are scattered about the kitchen, bedroom and family room.

   If I don't post to you before Christmas, I hope you have a very Merry Christmas :-)

Regards,

Susan

Comment by DebraBH on December 16, 2017 at 9:29pm

I can relate too...it has been eight years since my husband died. I can tell you that it does get easier. The pain is still there, although not as intense, and we learn how to live with it, to integrate it into who we are and what we do. It sounds like you are in the process of doing that! You are going forward!

I think the second year for me was different than the first, not harder, just different. I wasn't as numb or in a haze the second year, and the pain I felt was more "real". Since I made it through the first year, I felt fortunate that I was still standing (wobbly as it felt).

What I discovered is that my husband's unconditional love is still with me, even though he is gone. I didn't lose his love (even though it felt like that sometimes). I learned that I could relate to my husband in a different way. His physical presence is gone, but the love he and I shared stays with me.

Comment by Callie2 on December 16, 2017 at 9:13pm

Sherry, many of us can attest to that second year being more difficult. It's always darkest before the dawn, remember that. I know it's really hard but you're going to make it through this. HUGS to you!

Comment by Peach on December 16, 2017 at 1:17pm

I can definitely relate. I'm just a little over the year mark. My husband passed from liver cancer December 1, 2016. I guess I just went through this first year in a haze. I had so much to deal with and so much truth came out about his life. I had to deal with each of his exes and they were no help at all. Both of these gals were chemically addicted individuals and were more into trying to get me upset than helpful. I guess I was just trying to find the why of things. I pray that God will make my journey a little more easier to take and to guide me through this next year. I'm not anticipating the worse for the second year.

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