Year two is worse than year one, I have heard other widows say. I thought to myself, "surely that can't be true." It probably isn't for everyone, but for me, it seems to be proving true.
I'm amazed (not in a good way) how hard it has been lately. It seems like only now am I processing the loss a year and three months later. Maybe I didn't let myself feel everything I needed to feel in that first year. I certainly wasn't numb, because I know I was feeling a lot of pain. But now, it is different. It is deep pain. It is overwhelming at times. I'm not sure how to explain what is happening.
My best guess is that now I have to face my personal pain in addition to grief. As long as I had Alan's unconditional love, I didn't have to face my personal pain. His love was healing to me, and it transcended life itself. But now, without his love, my soul is laid bare like an open wound. Not only have I lost the love of my life, I have lost the healing salve that covered the deep wounds in my soul.
So my path now is to heal, not cover up, the wound without my soulmate's presence. Without his love, I have no choice but to find a way to heal. It is a longer process, and there are no shortcuts. I'm angry and resentful that I have to walk this unwanted path. But it is mine to walk, and forward I go. May gods and angels lighten the way.