I don't know why, but during the summer I had some weeks when I felt numb, or weeks when I actually felt okay. Yet, suddenly with Labor Day weekend, the feelings of grief have returned. Partly it is due to the fact it is a holiday weekend, as holiday weekends were usually the only time my departed workaholic husband would actually spend time with his family. Partly it is due to the fact my husband did not live to see his son begin high school, did not live to help me buy our son his first suit. And perhaps I am grieving in anticipation of my husband's birthday next month. It has been nine months since he lost his battle with a rare cancer and the depth of my sorrow is still so great.
Oh, this thing called "mourning"- I just wish I was done with it because I am so tired and wore out from it. Mourning, the expression of grief, takes many shapes and forms, and it is not a smooth, linear road, but rather a twisting, turning, bending path full of ups and down, dips and turns, trips and falls, bumps and bruises.
Lately people who I run into at a restaurant, church, or the store have been telling me, "Gee, you look great!" I politely thank them, but inside I am thinking, "Really? I do? BUT I feel like SHIT!"
Yes, I still feel like SHIT. And exactly what does feeling like SHIT really mean? Hmmm- who wants to know the ponderings of a widow with a brain impaired by her grief.
What does feeling like SHIT really mean? To feel like shit could include FEELING:
Drained, in pain, sad, sorrowful, angry, needy, confused, lonely, isolated, misunderstood, displaced, bewildered, anxious, overwhelmed, miserable, distraught, broken, shattered, unhappy, exhausted, depleted, overcome, hopeless, helpless, upset, devastated, distressed, disappointed, regretful, bitter, heartbroken, heart-sick, despondent, dejected, full of hurt, full of angst, fragile, gloomy, disconnected, wounded, and burdened.
Did I leave anything out? I am sure there are more words that could be added to the list.
So on this journey of grief, still feeling like shit, I stubbed my toe on a "rock" in the path and tripped. The rock happens to be a small thing. This "rock" was the problem with the toilet- it would not stop running. I took off the lid to the tank, tapped the arm to the valve thingy, and managed to get it to stop running. I went on the internet and researched the symptoms and discovered I had to get parts to replace the malfunctioning ones. I went to the Home Depot and bought the replacement parts, watched a "how to" video, read the instructions, only to find that nothing sunk into this brain of mine. I am not mechanically inclined or good at fixing things. The very purchase of these parts made me feel so alone and it was a reminder of the absence, a reminder of the void in my life. This stupid toilet malfunction brought up some major emotions. However, as I study the situation, I see my own resourcefulness, I see my own attempt to problem solve and to move forward. To solve this minor issue, of course, I ended up calling a friend who could help. So.....I tripped, but I did not fall. I maintained my balance even though I was feeling like SHIT. I hold onto hope, and I know one day things will get better.