My partner believed life was about experiences. He believed it was important to have lots of different experiences and being an extrovert he was always wanting to go somewhere or do something. He made life so much fun for this introvert.
But now he's gone. I know he'd want me to continue to have experiences. If I felt like it, I could go out and do things....go to movies, go to plays and concerts, community events, travel....but it's not the same. Just doing those things or going places isn't enough. They have no meaning now because when we were together it wasn't just about the experience of doing something or going somewhere, it was about having that experience together. The most important part of the experience was not the event itself, but how we felt about each other and for me, how I felt about myself when I was with David. It didn't matter what we did or where we were; I was so happy with him and I felt so complete. When he was away one time I told him in an email that I felt like a part of me was missing and it was true. That's exactly how I felt. That's how I feel now.
What got me thinking about all of this is an older friend of David's called me yesterday and asked me if I'd like to go to a play or concert. Her husband died about a month after David did, so she's alone now too and finds the evenings long. I agreed to go and we decided to see a play at a theatre neither of us had been to before. So, it was an experience, a little adventure for both of us. But I sat there fighting back tears at different times throughout the play, not because of the content (it didn't move me), but because as I looked around at the many couples who were there, I reminded myself that this was something David and I would have done together. Though I was happy to accompany our 80+ year-old friend to the play and make her day, I really only wanted to be there with David and it hurt so much to realize that we'll never do anything like that together again.
He's gone and he's not coming back. It's been 23 weeks and 1 day since he died. I think a part of me still believes (hopes) he's going to come back. He lived in another province through much of our relationship, so it's not so unusual that he's not here, but so hard to accept that he's never coming home and there will be no more emails or texts.
People tell me they love me -- family and friends -- and I know the expected response is "I love you too", but it's so hard to say those words. I can say them to David's daughters with no problem, but to say those words to anyone else hurts. I want to say them to David. I do everyday, but I want to hear him say them back to me. I want to feel his kiss and his hand holding mine. I miss him so much.