So sorry we have to meet this way, I am Arnie from NJ and offer friendship and a ear when needed. I do not write much but love the chat feature so I hope to see you there. My losses are new and very deep but I have found an amazing place of comfort and healing, this place has been a big part of it.
Jody, it was my husband that started the "love always" theme I guess you could say for us. We ended each card, call and text with it. I've added Love always and forever, he gave me his forever and in my heart he will have mine. Its neat to know that a phrase that meant so much to us also has great meaning for you :)
I know what you mean. I remember having a pretty deep conversation with a friend (Karen) 10-15 years ago and she asked me what my greatest fear was. I told her "loosing Jeff" would be the worst thing I could ever possibly imagine. She said that loosing her husband Bob (one of Jeff's best friends) would also be her greatest fear. I know how that turned out for me and now her husband Bob has ALS and he is declining fast. I wonder if she and I somehow knew what was in store for us. I do not have a career either, I didn't want one. Jeff had a very successful career and I was happy to let him be the bread winner. Even though I worked with him, it was NOT my thing nor did I have the education, licenses or know how to do what he did. My friend Karen on the other hand has her PhD in psychology and is very driven and successful in her own right. No, I do not want to go back to school either. I am the same with the concentration, trying to focus on things or remember stuff is just not happening.
I'm so sorry you are left to continue running Jerry's business if it's not something you want to do. I don't know that I have any great advice for you, making these big decisions is so terrifying, what if you make the wrong one? I do know that you CAN NOT let anyone pressure you into doing what "they" think is the best thing for "you" to do! If you already know in your heart that this was Jerry's passion and not yours then you already have the answer about whether or not to continue with it. Don't beat yourself up for not having the same passion for Jerry's business as he did. When you get through the commitments the business already has you will be further in to the horrid life of widowhood we have been forced in to and closer to being able to make your own decisions. I don't know if any of that makes any sense, it is so much easier to offer advice to someone else rather than to think about my own problems.
I have thought about doing some other type of photography but still unless I become the next Ansel Adams I don't know that I can make a living from it. Thanks for the advice though.
Jeff was in Australia playing rugby for a USA select team. Jeff was quite an athletic, studly, hunk of a man. I was so in love and in lust with him from the first moment we met. Jeff had been in Australia for 1 month, we met the day before he left to fly back here to the US. We have a very romantic story. Jeff used to tell me that he came half way around the world to find me. When ever we talked about our lives before we were Jeff and Kate, he would say that he loved me his entire life, we just hadn't met yet. I truly adored that man and he me.
Jeff too was the glass half full kinda guy, always so positive. Not long after I met him I decided Van Morrison's Bright Side Of The Road should be his theme song. I played it for him all the time and at all special milestone events in our lives. It wasn't until the last year that Jeff told me the song was actually about the woman dying and them being lovers once again on the bright side of the road. I had no idea the bright side of the road meant heaven.
Our stories are fairly similar, we are nearly the same age, I will be 48 on July 30th. It is too bad we live so far apart, we could have met for coffee and a chat or better yet to go throw rocks and kick dirt and scream at how unfair this is. I'm so unsure about what to do about anything and everything. We own our home so I don't have to worry about house payments. We did NOT have any life insurance. The Firm Jeff worked for bought his book of clients, not outright but over time. I receive 50% of any commission made from Jeff's clients for 2 years. It has been and hopefully will continue to be enough to get me by until it stops in August 2013. I have no idea what I want to do work wise. I had my own little side business, www.katehunterphotography.com for the last 10 years but I never made enough that I could actually live off of it. And besides, taking photos for people requires I be happy and cheery and I'm just not there. I'm glad you still have one of your business' and will be able to get by financially through 2013. It would be awful if on top of all the grief you HAD to make difficult financial decisions. Having to start over and try to figure out who "we" are without our husbands IS terrifying! You have some time, so take it.
The other HUGE decision I have to start thinking about is whether to stay here (in USA) or move back home to Australia? I was born and raised in Brisbane, all of my family are there but here at our house with Jeff has been my HOME for 20 years. I can't even begin to think about selling, this is where I feel safe and closest to Jeff. Our life together was wonderful! We were so incredibly happy! With Jeff I could do anything, I was beautiful, I was smart, I was safe and I was so very loved.
How old will your son be on the 18th? I am really dreading the one year anniversary too. It seems impossible that I am getting so close to that day. Time is flying by, it feels like forever ago and yet at the same time like it was just yesterday.
Thank you by the way for the nice comment about our photos. I LOVE them! They really do show the wonderful love we have for each other. We were unable to have children so it was just the two of us. Jeff always said "it's just you and me love" The photos were taken for our 18th wedding anniversary, Jeff was 14 months in to his brain cancer diagnoses, he passed away 3 months later on August 18, 2011.
You sound like me. I wander aimlessly around the house, I find myself staring out a window or at a photo or just the wall. There are so many things I could be doing around the house but find it hard to make myself do any more than what I HAVE to. Do you work outside the house? I worked with Jeff in his business (financial planner/stock broker) his office has been in our home for 16 years. Jeff was the business so when he died the business was gone too. I am considering, thinking about, maybe, looking for a part time job. I know I sound a "little" indecisive :-s I haven't worked outside of with Jeff for 20 years. It is scary!
The roller coaster of emotions is so hard. Trying to pull your self out of the black hole is not just emotionally draining it is also physically draining. It is exhausting!
I totally get what you mean about looking back at all you had with your husband, the beautiful life you shared together and how lucky you were to have had him for the time you did (however way too short) the wonderful memories you have are such a wonderful gift and at the same time an awful reminder of how much you have lost.
I hope you can find the strength to continue to move forward. What else can we do, right.
Thanks for the message on my "how are you" post and for the greetings and invitation to rant, rave, swear...I might take you up on all of them. Ditto from this end, if you ever need an empathetic ear. I am so stuck in my grief I don't even know how to start to move forward. As I get closer to the 1 year mark, I'm starting to feel more pressure, real or imagined to be "doing better". It's like 1 year is some magic number the "nonwidowed" think is long enough and time for me to get on with life. I do know Jeff would hate to see me so sad but I just can't get my shit together. Our love was too big!
I am so sorry for your loss, so unexpected, what a terrible shock. Your husband was so fit and active and healthy. It is so unfair, that he took such great care of his health and fitness. My husband too was an athlete, very fit. Jeff played rugby for 30 years and coached the last 11years. WHY them? Sorry, to go on and on, I got on a bit of roll huh! Hang in there Jody, it's a difficult road we're on. xo
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Welcome Jody: I'm sorry for your loss but I'm glad you found your way to this site. I know you will find the same comfort and understanding here at Widowed Village that I have. In the beginning I just read the blogs and posts and lurked in chat. Post and join us in chat when you feel comfortable. It is nice to be among people who "Get It".
So sorry for the reason you’re here but glad that you’ve joined us. You’ll find insight, understanding and support here at Widowed Village. We’re traveling the same journey together some further down the road than others. Join a group when you’re ready to get better connected. Participate in a forum and/or chat anytime. If you have questions, feel free to ask. There is always someone around willing to help.