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Mary H
  • Female
  • La Jolla, CA
  • United States
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Mary H's Discussions

Faking it to Make it Didn't Work

Started this discussion. Last reply by SweetMelissa2007 Mar 26, 2017. 8 Replies

When I hit two years I decided that I was going to stop wasting my life in sorrow and heartbreak.  I decided that I would focus on feeling grateful for the wonderful life I was able to share with an…Continue

What to do when someone's pity talk begins to feel like too much?

Started this discussion. Last reply by Nance63 Feb 6, 2017. 12 Replies

I lost my husband almost 2 years ago, and there is a woman who worked with him who cared for him very much and she has made a point of checking in with me regularly and making sure I am okay, and…Continue

Is it easier to decide not to move on?

Started this discussion. Last reply by Lupe's husband Mar 14, 2017. 48 Replies

I loved my husband so much, and he was an incredible person.  I knew how lucky I was to have him in my life.  It is so easy now that I have lost him to think that no one could love me as much as he…Continue

Advice on Vacations in the First Year?

Started this discussion. Last reply by Dianne in Nevada May 28, 2015. 22 Replies

I have had several (not widowed) people tell me that I should take my kids on a nice vacation this year, and I thought at first that we should as well, but the problem is that we took so many really…Continue


Mary H's Page

Latest Activity

Mary H replied to Riley's discussion I feel like a dork in the group Widowed in 2016
"I think its more common than people think because those it happens to are too ashamed to say anything, we blame ourselves.  And yet, its almost predictable, a daughter in the process of separating from her mother emotionally, a tragedy, a…"
1 hour ago
Mary H replied to Riley's discussion I feel like a dork in the group Widowed in 2016
"I'm further along than most of you, I came into 2016 for this thread, but I lost my husband in January of 2015.  He was fit and healthy and only 51 years old, a force of nature, and he died in his sleep one evening while he was away half…"
14 hours ago
Mary H replied to Riley's discussion I feel like a dork in the group Widowed in 2016
"I actually did pretty well at my event yesterday, I had a good time, and I left on a high note of having connected with people instead of after standing around alone awkwardly.  Of course, how I feel about that depends on what I compare it…"
Mary H replied to Soaring Spirits's discussion What is the most insensitive thing someone has said to you about your loss?
"Don't forget my personal favorite (that I got again just today), which is some variation of you were lucky to have what you did, so be grateful that you had it.  It, What I'd tell all the people out there, if I could set aside being…"
Riley replied to Mary H's discussion Dating Again for those Born in the 60s in the group Born in the 60s
"Mary H, I think I just replied to you in another group.  I totally identify with your above discussion.  I am caught in the middle.  I fight feelings of  grief, loneliness, boredom, regret,  and shame for even thinking about…"
Mary H replied to Riley's discussion I feel like a dork in the group Widowed in 2016
"Thanks Fran, I am just about to roll out.  I know so many people feel the same way, it is just so hard to restart a life, to get back into the loop."
Mary H commented on hog659(Neal)'s blog post Not doing so good
"Hi Neal, well, stories like yours scare me straight and make me feel a little better about being alone.  I am a 56 year old widow by the way, we are definitely out there.  But I'm not Jewish ;)"
Mary H replied to Riley's discussion I feel like a dork in the group Widowed in 2016
"I am widowed in 2015, but really wanted to reply to this, as it is where I am now.  I had a really full life before I lost my husband, three kids, close marriage, sister was my best friend, and then I lost my sister to a fast cancer and my…"
Mary H replied to Mary H's discussion Dating Again for those Born in the 60s in the group Born in the 60s
"Just a small answer to a question I had once, and I hope that it can help those of you who feel as if you not only found yourself widowed when you thought you had a partner to the end, but also as if you'd suddenly lost ten years off your…"
Mary H replied to Owfw's discussion Over the one year mark and went on a date..So confused
"I haven't been dating yet, but I've noticed that there is a bigger difference than just grief between the widowed and those who have been out there dating for a long time.  They work fast, and they are easily offended (they would say…"
Feb 11
Thankfulheart replied to Mary H's discussion Dating Again for those Born in the 60s in the group Born in the 60s
"     It is awkward to have to start again after you you thought you were going to grow old with the one you love. I find that  it’s not only about me. My family (kids) matter I want someone who will be a good fit.  I…"
Jan 16
mareli replied to Mary H's discussion Dating Again for those Born in the 60s in the group Born in the 60s
"I have 2 friends who lost their husbands about 50.One of them have been having many boyfriends since and the other met a guy and got married 3 months later.They both look happy in their ways.After my M. died they encouraged me to try online dating…"
Jan 15
Marine28 replied to Mary H's discussion Dating Again for those Born in the 60s in the group Born in the 60s
"Well said, Mary! "
Jan 14
Mary H commented on Soaring Spirits's group Widowed in 2015
"So true, thanks Terry and I am glad you are doing well.  I might add that what I used to think of as allowing myself to be stuck I now think of as time that I needed.  I've read a great book recently, It's OK That You're Not…"
Jan 14
Mary H commented on MidnightBear (Tony)'s blog post 2 Months In - Does it really get better?
"Yes, it does get better.  The anguish, the constant tears, the wanting to die, the blind determination to stop suffering, the false starts, the ennui, the emptiness, the not wanting to live, the sorrow, the regret, it can all come to a place of…"
Jan 14
Mary H commented on Soaring Spirits's group Widowed in 2015
"I hit 3 years on January 7th.  Because my husband died while he was away, the last evening we'd spent together was New Years Eve, so that night I opted out of the parties and went and sat out of my deck and had a glass of champagne like we…"
Jan 14

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Mary H's Blog

Reflections on the First Year on the Anniversary of My Husband’s Death

Posted on January 7, 2016 at 8:56am 0 Comments

Today I came across a quote by Marcus Aurelius, “Tomorrow is nothing, today is too late; the good lived yesterday.”  What can he have meant by it?  I can only assume that he lost someone too, as that is how I felt nearly every day for an entire year.  The pain I felt on my husband's death was so intense that I thought the physical stress of it would carry me off as well.  Everything around me looked flat, as if the world itself was changed without his observation of it.  I didn’t sleep, and…


Comment Wall (7 comments)

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At 9:28am on February 17, 2016, Hope said…

Mary H, you didn't need to apologize at all. Trying does not always work and you are so right. Hugs

At 6:03pm on June 27, 2015, Brucer said…

Hi Mary H,

I am so sorry for your loss and I wish you all my best.  My wife died 2 yrs and 8 months ago and this journey of grief goes on and on.  I saw your comments about family visits and how inconsiderate they can be.  For me, I experienced their lack of understanding of my wife's cancer as she battled for 8 years.  Her family continued to rely on her for everything as if she was perfectly healthy.  They expected her to put on holiday dinners, birthday parties, give haircuts, name it!  I could barely stand it and tried to politely suggest that others step up.  It was maddening at times.  We moved to Albuquerque from Cleveland for a job opportunity for me while she was in remission.  Eventually, her cancer returned and she passed in our home and we were together...just us two the way it should have been. 

People can be so selfish sometimes and others, like my wife, are so unselfish always giving of themselves.  Even now, If I dwell on the demands that her family put on her, I begin to boil so I try to block it out.  Life is too short for pointless anger. 

I hope each day is a little better for you.  Stay well.


At 8:36am on April 24, 2015, laurajay said…

awe mary...thx  I so feel your pain   so fresh  so puzzling  and the urgency with which the grief  attacks is so exhausting...especially when resolve does not flow.  Be strong. I will not say it gets easier or softer...only you will know if it does...but there will be more changes and when they come they often give a glimpse of something that resembles understanding.   love lj

At 2:10pm on April 20, 2015, Gary'swife said…

Mary- Thanks for the friend request.  I hope you can get some of the paperwork and financial things sorted out.  That is the worse, and the most pressing in the beginning.  I know you have already found this site to be helpful, and trust you will come here for sharing, and venting as needed.  It's a horrible journey we are all on, but it's good to know we are not alone.

At 1:19pm on March 31, 2015, Terry said…

Hi Mary, hoping that you are having a day that you can live with.  At one time I would have thought it an odd comment but I am realizing now that I have days that are manageable and others that make me wish it would all end for me.  I know that I will eventually be able to find a new purpose for my life but right now it just seems like such an effort to get up in the morning and try.  Evenings and overnights are the worst but I have found a slight change over the past 1 1/2 weeks that have surprised me somewhat.  Until then, I had to have some kind of sound on in the house whether it was radio or tv because I found the silence deafening.  Now a lot of the time, I have nothing turned on because I am getting used to the sound of silence.  It allows me to think, to remember and to talk to Anne.  It is funny that at one time talking in an empty house would have made me feel a little foolish but it seems to come naturally when I am talking to her.  I have even found myself reading the sympathy cards to her as they have come in the mail.

At 8:43am on March 13, 2015, Deborah B said…

Just stopping by to let you know that I lift in prayer and send you lovelovelove.  My husband has been gone for 15 months now.  I miss him more every day.  Sending you strength for the funeral.


At 9:16pm on March 7, 2015, Dianne in Nevada said…

Welcome to Widville, Mary H. I'm so very sorry for your loss, but pleased that you found us. You'll find caring support and friendship here.

Here's the best place to start: Need help using the site? Ask here!  You can join the Groups that fit you to connect to others with similar experiences. Share your story. Take a look at our Forum discussions where you'll find meaningful conversations taking place.  I look forward to getting to know you here in Widville.


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