Close friends are supportive and have not subscribed to some sort of time limit whereby I should miraculously recover.
Work friends “cheerlead” me. As Megan Devine says, I have not had a crisis of confidence! My person died. I know how to wear dress pants, a sweater, lipstick and mascara–make myself suitable for public consumption. When folks tell me I look great, and I counter that it is all artifice, and they continue to cheerlead…I do not felt heard or truly seen.
Since 90% of our friends were literally “Our” friends, and knew us from the beginnings of us, they don’t struggle so much with my grief, as they struggle with helping me find things about this life to hold onto. They know that we lived and breathed for each other first before anything else. So they struggle with feelings of helplessness when I spiral. They want to help soothe my pain, but they know they can’t do a single thing to ease it.
The fact that I’m still breathing when he’s gone ahead is a miracle in itself. I expected I would follow him shortly after he passed, but three years later and I’m still here. No clue, no plan, no desire to keep slugging it out, but there’s a stubborn willfulness inside that won’t just let me lie down and stop. So here I am, torn apart with one foot in the world of the living and one in a place where my husband waits for me. Our friends do their best to love me and sit with me when I come apart at the seams. They are honest about their struggle which I respect more than pitiful empty condolences. I’d rather have them tell me “I have no idea what you’re feeling, and I have no basis for comparison, so I don’t even know what to say except…That sucks and I am so sorry and I’m here and I love you.” That means everything when you’re struggling with a desire to disappear from the world or to burn it down around you.
Posted on November 5, 2024 0
Close friends are supportive and have not subscribed to some sort of time limit whereby I should miraculously recover.
Work friends “cheerlead” me. As Megan Devine says, I have not had a crisis of confidence! My person died. I know how to wear dress pants, a sweater, lipstick and mascara–make myself suitable for public consumption. When folks tell me I look great, and I counter that it is all artifice, and they continue to cheerlead…I do not felt heard or truly seen.
Posted on November 5, 2024 0
Since 90% of our friends were literally “Our” friends, and knew us from the beginnings of us, they don’t struggle so much with my grief, as they struggle with helping me find things about this life to hold onto. They know that we lived and breathed for each other first before anything else. So they struggle with feelings of helplessness when I spiral. They want to help soothe my pain, but they know they can’t do a single thing to ease it.
The fact that I’m still breathing when he’s gone ahead is a miracle in itself. I expected I would follow him shortly after he passed, but three years later and I’m still here. No clue, no plan, no desire to keep slugging it out, but there’s a stubborn willfulness inside that won’t just let me lie down and stop. So here I am, torn apart with one foot in the world of the living and one in a place where my husband waits for me. Our friends do their best to love me and sit with me when I come apart at the seams. They are honest about their struggle which I respect more than pitiful empty condolences. I’d rather have them tell me “I have no idea what you’re feeling, and I have no basis for comparison, so I don’t even know what to say except…That sucks and I am so sorry and I’m here and I love you.” That means everything when you’re struggling with a desire to disappear from the world or to burn it down around you.