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Widowed in 2015

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Members: 321
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Comment by Charlotteelsie on Tuesday

Dear CinPan, So sorry to hear how hard it is for you. Anniversaries and holidays are horrid. Easter is hard. Ive been struggling myself its 3 1/2years for me and my only daughter went to college in Sept and nothing in life has any meaning. We had planned to move to France on retirement and Im stuck. Notre Dame yest was a shock as my partner was French and very religious. My only consolation at times is a friend whose husband died 12 years ago as she knows. I have no social life Ive tried a few dates but it has been very odd.. Friends who havnt this experience seem to think I can get on with life but anything new is torture. My partner has come in my dreams a few times which has been a shock as this is new and Ive noticed places we used to go are changing. Its definately a hard time. Best wishes Charlotte 

Comment by Mary H on April 12, 2019 at 6:46am

CinPan, it's a very hard time, losing your husband just at that time when your children are growing away from you.  That's the stage of our lives where it is just give, smile, support and their minds are elsewhere, looking forwards.  I have three, 14 to 20, with two away at college, and the youngest is planning to cook me a dinner for my birthday, which is this weekend.  I was telling her how much I appreciated it, and how I hadn't even expected anyone to remember, and tears just started streaming down my cheeks.  I've really entered a much better and more peaceful place in recent months, so I hadn't even known I was sad, I'm just so used to, now, just giving and getting nothing back.  When we begin to lose everyone that we used to pour all of our love into, it's time to start pouring that love back into ourselves.

Comment by Nardly on April 11, 2019 at 6:55pm

CinPan,

 I’m sorry you’re have a hard time. Losing him on Fathers Day and buried on his birthday has got to be hard. It’s been almost four years and I still have my moments too. I have a woman in my life, I love her and we live together but like you said, a picture, song or finding something of hers can hit me. It’s better than it was but those feelings pop up. Lately I have been having dreams of her. They are actually very nice, like a visit from her. I hope things will get better for you but we’re all different. I can’t say anything to make it better but I understand. One of my best friends lost his fiancé to breast cancer. She fought for two years before she passed and now he’s going through what we went through. It has effected me, bringing back those terrible storm memories. I know I am rambling but you have a place here to say anything. Take care of yourself.

Comment by CinPan on April 11, 2019 at 2:56pm

And.... I'm back.  Almost 4 years.  I am so angry yet so apathetic. I won't even go into the details.  I am weary.  My entire life has changed.   I work.  I smile.  I support.  I encourage. My oldest's birthday is coming up, my youngest is graduating college. Then, father's day, that's the day he was killed.  Then his birthday, which was his funeral. 

I have worked so hard.  I have moments and glimpses of how life could be.  But , I'm one song, one photo, one drink, one memory away from losing it. 

I just needed a safe place to say this. I am not expecting anything in return. I am riding the waves and recently it has been a stormy sea. 

Comment by Charlotteelsie on January 22, 2019 at 10:57am

Thanks for all your comments. I have had some lessons about vulnerability over the holiday period.  I too at 61yrs feel 80yrs at times. I dated one man twice but felt uneasy and he was the exact opposite of my partner and realised luckily. I could not listen to racism and sexism which he seemed unconscious of. So Ive moved on but It was not easy. Im thankful I was observant and able to act in my best interests with the help of friends.

Comment by Nardly on January 13, 2019 at 9:47am

I’m so sorry Bundles. Sometimes when someone seems to good to be genuine, you have to be cautious. I’m glad you found him out before it got to serious. But I know it must hurt too. 

Comment by Bundles549 on January 13, 2019 at 6:54am

I am getting ready to block the only man who has shown any interest in me since my hubby died 3 1/2 years ago. The only man who sends Good morning texts and pictures, says that I am funny and he likes to hear me laugh. Who talks about fun thi8ngs to do together. Who asks about my day, asks my opinion. This has been going on since around Christmas. I have listened to him talk, I have remembered what he says and I have noticed  when the conversation points seem way too similar to my experience. Like I am legally blind and suddenly he s blind too? I did my research. His address is a mailbox mart. He is a disbarred attorney. Sad...

Comment by Mary H on December 13, 2018 at 6:50am

Hi All, your posts have been touching me too... all of them, and especially yours Evolving.  I lost my 51 year old husband to a sudden heart attack, and it has not only been emotionally devastating, but physically.  Before he died, I felt like I was in the "prime" of my life, the good years, and now I have all these physical issues, I need a cane to walk to the bathroom at night.  I just fell apart, I'm filled with pain.  The stress and the loss almost killed me honestly, and I think if I had been older, it would have.  I'm improving, I am, and sometimes I think I will find my way back to a pain free life (pain free in both ways), but that's a someday and a maybe.

I've found a way to live in my new world, and its mostly just by accepting how painful life is for all of us (all of us, not just all of us here) and by trying to find joy where I can.  I'm a deeper person, and a wiser person, and a calmer person (because afterall, the little things really are little things after you've been through something so catastrophic).  But I'm not attached to life anymore.  I'm here, and I still have dreams I'm pursuing, but more just to keep myself distracted.  I don't feel "in" it anymore.

It's been almost 4 years for me, as I lost my husband in the start of January, and I too thought I would try to start dating again, I wanted to be that person who can pick herself up and start again, but its starting to look like I'm that dog that waits forever at the door, or the train station, or the grave.  I didn't want to be.  But there's a part of me that waits for him to come back, I know that because I keep having these dreams where he's left me and I think he will come back.  I don't have the other dreams.  It might be because I lost him so suddenly, and, because of the circumstances, I never saw him after he'd passed.  Maybe it would have been better for me if I had, maybe I'd be having the other dreams, where he's gone gone, and not just away.  :(

Comment by Evolving on December 12, 2018 at 6:03pm

Hello, everyone!    Your recent posts have made me reflect a lot about this grief process we have in common.

Flower, you are quite right when you express that we are more vulnerable in our grief than we are aware of. :(.    

Today I went to visit my 89-year-old aunt, and seeing her, I literally felt as though I were her age:  so frail, so unlike the strong, active woman she used to be up until 2015, when her beloved husband died, leaving her in such deep grief after spending 66 extraordinarily happy years together.  (Her husband, my uncle, was 90 years old, and he died of a heart attack just 10 days after my 53-year-old husband died, also from a massive heart attack.)

My aunt was telling me she feels she has aged a lot in these 3 years, and I kept nodding and thinking, "Yes, I feel it, too."   She mentioned how senseless life has become, how absurd even, and it struck me that being 30 years older or younger has nothing to do with it;  losing someone so dear, someone who is such a deep part of you is life-wrecking.    Even years later, it is not something you just "forget" or "get over."     (At least not for a lot of us!)    

At first, I thought I´d eventually start dating and maybe meet someone new, to start a new life.   But as more time passes,  I realize it is unlikely I will ever feel inclined to venture out of my shell and consider looking for a potential date.  It seems to require some kind of energy or motivation I don´t have any more!

Comment by Flower on December 11, 2018 at 2:23am

TFH2015, I think we are more vulnerable in our grief than we believe and it doesn’t take much to slip backwards. As Gaye said it often seems like it’s two steps forward and one step back

This past Thursday was my husbands birthday and Friday the third anniversary of his death. I know I have come a long way in these three years but I still find myself undone by the prospect of a future without him and like you am not ready to think about dating. 

I don’t think we will ever get over our loss, My hope is that with time I can find my way to a sense of peace and enjoy the life I do have, even if it’s not the one I wanted.

 

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