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Widowed in 2015

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Comment by CathyBoo on Saturday

Thank you Nieta. It is amazing where your mind goes during this journey we all are on...You are not rambling, I call it, trying to process. Take care.

Comment by Nieta on Friday
Dear Cindy and CathyBoo,
I agree that the first year was a blur and an emotional rollercoaster of stuff and just sheer shock that my Patrick was gone. I had woken up next to him in the morning on my way to work and the next time I saw him he was stretched out on a gurney in the hospital and gone. I arrived few minutes before he took his last breath and it that will haunt me forever. Not only did I not get a chance to say goodbye but I wasn't even there when he drew his last breath. Just saying these words puts a lump in my throat and brings tears to my eyes. I miss him every day and night and I think of him all the time. It's been three and a half years for me. He died February 12th 2014 - just two days before Valentine's Day. We were supposed to go away together and so many plans for the future. We had no human children but, our canine son passed away five years earlier. Now my boys are hanging out in heaven. They were my little family. My parents are still living. They are retired and live in a different state. They could not even travel to NY for my husband's memorial service due to physical ailments. I travel to visit them a few times a year when I am able to but I also have financial responsibilities where I am and I do a lot of things that I'm were once done by two people by myself thankfully I have good friends but they have their own lives and their own responsibilities and I've learned that the best person that I can depend on is me many offered to help with so many things when he first died but I can count on two fingers how many actually did.
No matter I will keep going forward and as bad as things have felt they could be worse I'm rambling and I Know It forgive me I just miss my husband and I wanted you to know that you are not alone.
Comment by CathyBoo on Friday

Hi Cindy,

I lost my husband about 1 year and 1/2 ago and I agree with you. I think the 1st year is just a blurr and a roller coast ride of emotions while you live in a fog. The 2nd year started out the same and now the fog is gone most days, but the reality that my best friend is never coming home hits me like a ton of bricks.  I cry almost everyday when I realize it is true. I lost both my big 90lb. dogs (both were 14 yrs old) the year after Steve died and now I have only me to take care of...I miss waking them up, and I hate not putting them to bed. My house is super quiet without my crazy boys (all 3 of them). They were the light of my light and all made me laugh constantly. I must say that this site helps me get through my thoughts and fears knowing that I am not alone. Please know you are not alone in your journey. There are those of us that understand and are right beside you.

Comment by Cindy on Friday

Next month will be a full 2 years since my husband passed away and I think I understand when people say the second year is the hardest. The first year was all about getting through all the firsts and tidying up loose ends. This second year the reality kicks in and every day for me has been about making it to the next day. I feel so sad without my husband. On the outside things seem normal but I think of him 24/7 and can't get past it.

Comment by Bundles549 on July 13, 2017 at 1:07pm

I thought I was doing pretty good, in my own way. Until I talked to my brother-in-law last night. For some reason, the phone connection was acting up and we kept getting cut off. When we finally reconnected, he told me that he had called me and gotten the "old" voicemail message with my husband's voice saying that we couldn't come to the phone, yada yada yada...but a short conversation, not a boring message. I never get that message! I get a robot message that is not recorded by him. I told my brother-in-law "I wish I got a message like that:...Next thing I knew I was bawling my eyes out about how much I miss him and how I miss his voice, and I'm so lonely. My brother- in-law was so sweet about it and soothing. He told me that sometimes he felt that my hubby was sending ME all the signs and none to him, but he soothed me. I was a little embarrassed and stunned. I didn't see it coming! Then I dialed our phone and I did get to hear his voice saying our names. The voice sounded like it was smiling. I felt better. This is soo pitiful! I am jealous of a sign that my brohter-in-law got, and I do get plenty of them! But all of a sudden it was like I just came unglued! It hasn't happened in a long time. But I have been thinking of hubby ALL the time. And I guess I shouldn't have been watching Season 1 of Saving Hope, where the husband-to-be is in a coma and the ex-wife just pulled the plug. But I kinda like the show because the husband-to-be is there is spirit and you can see him. But the fiancee can't. Kinda like my new life...that I never asked for.

Comment by FitFLNana (Thelma) on July 10, 2017 at 1:15pm

Good to hear updates.  I am at 29 months now - wow - that seems impossible.  I guess the fact that we aren't as active in this group is good - the intense grief is less - our feeling that we're drowning and in need of someone who understands.  I do well and try to stay busy.  Have been doing some traveling and while I really enjoy that it seems to be difficult when you're back at home and realize you're back to being alone.  It's a challenge to find someone to travel with and am thankful for my sisters and friends that are willing to go with me.  I too am debating retiring - but am really too young - insurance being my biggest concern.  I am 58.  I learned that at 60 I cn draw my husband's full social security - so that maybe my plan!  Anyone else discovered that?

Comment by Bundles549 on July 9, 2017 at 8:14pm

Glad to see you're still here, Terry! I was following your journey. I've made it through 1 3/4 years now. The acute pain is not so much, but the missing, the memories of everything are sometimes hard to manage. My life seems so alone and empty now. I am compiling a list of places that I can go to on my own fairly easily and I have begun to do some things that we liked to do together alone - like going to BJs or Michael's. But I am often lonely. Work is my social context. I think about companionship but I don't want to do online dating, I don't have a lot of friends and I find that I am re-examining the old ones, as I watch my friends not be there for me on so many levels. I know it's a journey...but it's a lot better with someone who has your back.

Comment by alonenow (Betsy) on July 9, 2017 at 10:44am

I am at 20 months and I agree with what others are saying. I can go for days without crying which is amazing to me. I've been seeing a therapist for about 18 months. It has been really helpful for me. I just recently cut back to seeing her every other week. I have joined some groups and am on the board of one. It's good because it gets me out and I am meeting some very nice people. I've also dabbled in meditation and yoga, both really help when I have the discipline to practice. When Kathy first died I couldn't imagine retiring, the future was just so vast and empty. Now I am less frightened. So far I have no desire to travel or date. I am finding that I like solitude more than I would ever have thought. I am going to take an art class and try my hand at writing. I loved my old life but I understand that I can't go back. I accept that now in a way I couldn't just 6 months ago. I am trying to make something of the time I have been given. I seem to have more days that are OK and fewer deep crashes, although I still have those just not as often. It's nice to hear from you. Suzy I will be sending you positive thoughts. Terry I hope you regain your health quickly. Thanks to all of you for responding.

Comment by Suzy B on July 9, 2017 at 8:57am
I recently passed the 2 year mark and am feeling better for the most part. The grief is much less intense and no longer all consuming. I am at a cross roads in my life now. I am pursuing a wrongful death lawsuit against two mental health clinics responsible for my husband's suicide and my lawyers think I have a very good case and will probably win. However I may need to accept a settlement since I will soon lose 2/3 of our family's income from social security survivors benefits for my son when he turns 18. I feel terrified, hopeful and am trying to trust God that it will all work out in the end. I guess when you are just trying to survive from one day to the next grief takes a back seat. But I also feel that I grieved for several years before my husband actually died the loss of the person I married. Mental illness had warped him so much over the years that the last two or three years I was with him he often seemed like someone who wasn't himself, if you know what I mean. I don't know if anyone else here has experienced that sort of pre-grieving, for lack of a better term. It was almost a relief when he actually completed, because then I was no longer constant ly worried about it. These days I am just enjoying my job, playing a lot with my grandson who arrived shortly after my husbands death, and working with my lawyers and praying for a decent outcome to my lawsuit so I can resume my "life" whatever that turns out to be. There are so many decisions I just can't make right now until that is over. I like being without a partner for the time being, so no dating for me, but I do need to get out there and meet new people in general and make some new friends. I do feel so much better now that I am starting my third year as a widow, as opposed to a year ago. . .
Comment by Terry on July 9, 2017 at 8:41am

Nardly...your comments are pretty much in line with my feelings.  I miss the closeness I had built up with my co-workers over the past 10 1/2 years.  I guess I am in a good position though because with it being a retail environment, I just have to stop by.  When I go in it is great to get the hugs and well wishes from everyone plus we keep in touch on Facebook a lot.  When I chose to retire, I had to ask myself if I was going to be okay with the drop in pay.  Like you I am on a fixed income and trying to avoid dipping into savings.  It has been a great education in determining wants versus needs!  A lot of friends have asked if I am going to start traveling now that I am no longer working.  The answer is probably no.  Dubai was always on my bucket list but I will gladly take the trade off of a relatively stress free life with the career finished for a vacation that only lasts a week or two.  My wife and I were very fortunate during our time together.  We had 26 Caribbean vacations including 6 cruises so I feel I have had my fill of travel.  Somehow it would not feel the same without her anyway.  As soon as I get completely back on my feel health wise, I will begin my volunteer work at our local hospice.  I have spent the last year getting my certificate in Palliative Care and feel that I can contribute in an area that I had 5 years experience in.  When I was going through it with my wife, the feelings of isolation and the stiff upper lip of the health professionals made me feel that there was nowhere for me to turn for some comfort.  Knowing this, I aim to ensure that others in general and widowers in particular know they are not alone and that someone is prepared to listen and be an example that they can heal.


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