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Thanks for your support, Hope! I try to be active but by the end of the week I often just don't have the energy or inclination. Time gets away from me and I "catch up" on the weekend. And anything extra, such as a trip out to see my Mom - 3 hrs away - just seems to set me back later on in the week. And now I am working 1/2 day overtime on Saturdays. I wonder how long I can keep it up! But I need the $. I think about vacation but I don't know how, where or when and I don't want to go alone. It's easier just to sty home and putte around the house. That's where I often feel the erngy of my husband, when I am doing the thins we used to do together, like Sunday brunch or watching the cooking shows on tv.
Bundles, I know what you mean about feeling dull. I feel sad and bored. I am in two book clubs, went back to school and see friends and some family but I just feel lost and wish I could drum up some real enthusiasm for something. Its been almost 2 years and I am still so lost. I turned 70 and aging also adds to the stress. I was married 35 wonderful years.
I am so sorry that you've had such stressors lately. That's so hard.
I keep on keeping on. Bless you on your journey
Struggling with so many things right now - trying to care for my 95 yr old mom who lives 3 hrs away, being legally blind with an inoperable cataract that is aggravated by bright sunlight, financial stress as I discover that my salary will go down $600/month! Any one of these concerns would be something that my husband and I would talk about, he would offer comfort and support. He would have driven me out to see my mother and been supportive if I had a meltdown while struggling with her, he would be preparing our meals and we would have enjoyed a Sunday brunch together.
Instead I made my own breakfast, watched The Cooking Channel by myself. YesterdaY was a rough day. It was our wedding anniversary and I forgot it because I was so involved in all of the above! I was making crisis calls all day long! Luckily, I have discovered or been validated in my thinking that I have 5 friends who are emotionally supportive.
I don't see as little future as I did immediately after he died, but my thoughts are on the blank and joyless future that sits in front of me and everything that is remotely "good" being a reminder of our times together. There's no way to erase 35 years and no way to replace them either. Generally I manage to be on a fairly even, if dull, emotional plane but this week was filled with disappointments and stressors. Makes me really miss him. He wasn't perfect. The one thing was that I never, ever, ever didn't know that he loved and cherished me. I think about it all the time.
BBL35 I know exactly how you feel. It has been 18 months for me too. I am in the process of moving into an apartment with my daughter. We have become pretty close. My sons both have their own lives so we are pretty much alone. I have 2 penpals through this group which I write to when I can and that is about it. It is very lonely but on the other hand I do not think I will ever want to be with anyone again that way. It hurts too much to lose them. Take care and know you are not alone in your feelings.
Terry, I think you are very brave to be bold enough to quit. At times, I would love to do that myself. Other times, reality sinks in, and I hear my logical/analytical husband saying "what? you need the benefits"! So, I am still going to work. I work 4 10s - so that at least gives me 3 days of not having to go to work. I can see that it would be easy for me to become a hermit if I didn't work - so probably for the best for me. I have felt that I haven't been as good of an employee over the past 2+ years - but I do feel that my mind is finally beginning to get back to being able to focus and concentrate better. It has really surprised me the memory issues that I've had. Luckily I read about others in grief having those issues - or I would have thought I was really losing it! My boss has been wonderful through all of this - so I am blessed. Best wishes to you for following your heart/dreams.
Terry, I think you will find you are relieved to not be under the stress of the job anymore. Fill your time with your interests and passions and maybe just relax!!
The clock continues to progress towards my last day at work on the 29th. A huge part of me is mourning another loss as I let go of this job and the people that saw me through my wife's illness and eventually her death. If I am honest with myself, I never saw myself leaving the workforce this soon (56) and the prospect of all of this time on my hands is pretty daunting. I just found over the last two years I could no longer be the person my job required of me. The demands that were made seemed trivial compared to what I have gone through over the last 7 years of illness and bereavement. I thought the sleepless nights would end once I had made my decision but they have only gotten worse as I lay awake at night wondering if I have just ruined my life. Time will tell. Perhaps I will go back to looking at it as a year off to be good to me as opposed to a permanent move.
My daughter and her fiancé of 9 years broke up this week. He completely blind sided her and she is devastated. She has to tell her son, my grandson. It breaks my heart. He lost his best friend and Grandpa 21 months ago and now in many ways he will lose the man who has been in his life since he was 9 and is now 16. Added to losing Ken I feel like everything is falling apart. They have two hotels that are up for sale and right now its up in the air where she will ultimately move to. I am trying to live one day at a time and not worry about the future. I just turned 70 and while I am adjusting to life without my darling husband in small ways I have such a long way to go. I am so sad
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