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Widowed in 2015

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Members: 319
Latest Activity: Jan 13

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Comment by Nardly on January 13, 2019 at 9:47am

I’m so sorry Bundles. Sometimes when someone seems to good to be genuine, you have to be cautious. I’m glad you found him out before it got to serious. But I know it must hurt too. 

Comment by Bundles549 on January 13, 2019 at 6:54am

I am getting ready to block the only man who has shown any interest in me since my hubby died 3 1/2 years ago. The only man who sends Good morning texts and pictures, says that I am funny and he likes to hear me laugh. Who talks about fun thi8ngs to do together. Who asks about my day, asks my opinion. This has been going on since around Christmas. I have listened to him talk, I have remembered what he says and I have noticed  when the conversation points seem way too similar to my experience. Like I am legally blind and suddenly he s blind too? I did my research. His address is a mailbox mart. He is a disbarred attorney. Sad...

Comment by Mary H on December 13, 2018 at 6:50am

Hi All, your posts have been touching me too... all of them, and especially yours Evolving.  I lost my 51 year old husband to a sudden heart attack, and it has not only been emotionally devastating, but physically.  Before he died, I felt like I was in the "prime" of my life, the good years, and now I have all these physical issues, I need a cane to walk to the bathroom at night.  I just fell apart, I'm filled with pain.  The stress and the loss almost killed me honestly, and I think if I had been older, it would have.  I'm improving, I am, and sometimes I think I will find my way back to a pain free life (pain free in both ways), but that's a someday and a maybe.

I've found a way to live in my new world, and its mostly just by accepting how painful life is for all of us (all of us, not just all of us here) and by trying to find joy where I can.  I'm a deeper person, and a wiser person, and a calmer person (because afterall, the little things really are little things after you've been through something so catastrophic).  But I'm not attached to life anymore.  I'm here, and I still have dreams I'm pursuing, but more just to keep myself distracted.  I don't feel "in" it anymore.

It's been almost 4 years for me, as I lost my husband in the start of January, and I too thought I would try to start dating again, I wanted to be that person who can pick herself up and start again, but its starting to look like I'm that dog that waits forever at the door, or the train station, or the grave.  I didn't want to be.  But there's a part of me that waits for him to come back, I know that because I keep having these dreams where he's left me and I think he will come back.  I don't have the other dreams.  It might be because I lost him so suddenly, and, because of the circumstances, I never saw him after he'd passed.  Maybe it would have been better for me if I had, maybe I'd be having the other dreams, where he's gone gone, and not just away.  :(

Comment by Evolving on December 12, 2018 at 6:03pm

Hello, everyone!    Your recent posts have made me reflect a lot about this grief process we have in common.

Flower, you are quite right when you express that we are more vulnerable in our grief than we are aware of. :(.    

Today I went to visit my 89-year-old aunt, and seeing her, I literally felt as though I were her age:  so frail, so unlike the strong, active woman she used to be up until 2015, when her beloved husband died, leaving her in such deep grief after spending 66 extraordinarily happy years together.  (Her husband, my uncle, was 90 years old, and he died of a heart attack just 10 days after my 53-year-old husband died, also from a massive heart attack.)

My aunt was telling me she feels she has aged a lot in these 3 years, and I kept nodding and thinking, "Yes, I feel it, too."   She mentioned how senseless life has become, how absurd even, and it struck me that being 30 years older or younger has nothing to do with it;  losing someone so dear, someone who is such a deep part of you is life-wrecking.    Even years later, it is not something you just "forget" or "get over."     (At least not for a lot of us!)    

At first, I thought I´d eventually start dating and maybe meet someone new, to start a new life.   But as more time passes,  I realize it is unlikely I will ever feel inclined to venture out of my shell and consider looking for a potential date.  It seems to require some kind of energy or motivation I don´t have any more!

Comment by Flower on December 11, 2018 at 2:23am

TFH2015, I think we are more vulnerable in our grief than we believe and it doesn’t take much to slip backwards. As Gaye said it often seems like it’s two steps forward and one step back

This past Thursday was my husbands birthday and Friday the third anniversary of his death. I know I have come a long way in these three years but I still find myself undone by the prospect of a future without him and like you am not ready to think about dating. 

I don’t think we will ever get over our loss, My hope is that with time I can find my way to a sense of peace and enjoy the life I do have, even if it’s not the one I wanted.

Comment by Charlotteelsie on December 9, 2018 at 3:44am

Dear TFH2015,

Sorry to hear of your grief. I understand. My daughter went off to college in Sept and since then all my grief has been triggered and I find it hard to know my way in life. A friend fortunately warned me the third year is the worst and it has been my experience. Ive been on a few dates but it brings up more grief and how much I miss my partner and is hard. My friends tell me the grief has to come out but I find it so hard and hate how life goes on.I hope you find some peace.

Comment by Nardly on December 8, 2018 at 4:21pm

TFH2015, you're not alone. My Mom died a year ago and today the will was finalized. It felt like it was final. Up to this point I guess dealing with all of it I was preoccupied. That she had not really gone.Then driving home I heard that song "That's Christmas to Me" by Pentatonix. Brought back not only the Christmas's with Mom but the 25 years with my wife. They are all gone but I will remember them forever. I have moved forward, living with a kind, affectionate woman who I'm in love with, but I still love Van, always will. I'm trying to make new Christmas memories with her but Van is always in the back of my mind. It truly is like Gaye said, two steps forward, one step back. All these Christmas song, movies, advertisements trigger memories good or bad. I wish you a Merry Christmas and hope your spirits will again be lifted.

Comment by Gaye1950 on December 8, 2018 at 3:42pm

TFH2015, I have been struggling this season also. My brother dued this past July and the circumstances were difficult. I belive that upset my apple cart. I am lucky to be involved in a Soaring Spirits Regional group and that helps. Be patient with yourself. I find grieving to be evolutionary in process but kind of “two steps forward and one step back?”  Hang in there. 

Comment by TFH2015 on December 8, 2018 at 10:48am

After being very active in this group for the first 2 1/2 to 3 years after my wife died in March of 2015, I left because I thought I was doing really well and felt that I could go it on my own.  I don't know if it is the time of year or what but I seem to be really dealing with a case of depression right now.  Approaching Christmas the last 3 years didn't really affect me as I was the Christmas nut in the family anyway so I had no problem carrying on the tradition with my wife's grown kids and grandkids.  This year seems to be a lot different though.  I have had a few friends pass this year and have found myself thinking they are the lucky ones.  I guess I just miss my wife so badly and ask myself if there will ever be a reason to be that happy again.  I definitely am not suicidal so I have no thoughts in that direction.  I just sometimes wonder if at 58, I am going to have endless empty decades ahead of me.  At this point, I am not open to exploring the idea of someone else.  In my mind, I am a one woman man and I still feel like I am married to Anne.  Maybe when Christmas is over this year I will feel better.  Tomorrow marks her 4th birthday away from me.  Maybe the day also has something to do with it.  Never would have thought there could still be this much pain almost 4 years on!

Comment by Flower on December 1, 2018 at 8:00am

Alysoun,

I completely understand that the friendships seem superficial compared with your husband. At least you are out meeting new people and maybe there’s a chance that those friendships will develop into something more meaningful or you might meet someone you like.

I’m glad you and HillbillyWitchDr understood about the guitars, I have decided to put them in a closet for now and see how that feels. I know deep down it’s the right thing to do.

HillbillyWitchDr,

I’m sure closing on the house was emotional even if you were ready to move.

Dating sounds terrifying, my husband and I were together since I was 19 so I haven’t dated for 32 years either!

 

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