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Widowed in 2015

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Members: 307
Latest Activity: 8 hours ago

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Comment by Meme908 8 hours ago
I am enjoying seeing so many familiar names writing were a part of this group that sustained me after my husband died suddenly. It seems like many of you, I am able to function on what Nieta described as this altered journey...I still have down times but it seems like most of the time, I have found a level of contentment and acceptance. Memories pop into my mind daily, but they more often bring a smile. The main adjustment I can see as I look back is that rather than missing my husband's presence, I feel more like he is a familiar but invisible presence--his presence is a part of me but also seems like a cloud that surrounds me. Not in a delusional but comforting way. I am surprised that I have become a homebody by choice...I can still be social and since I live in a large city, I have become part of a widowed group...however I find that a little bit of socializing and fun (with mixed groups) is good, but for the most part I enjoy being home since my home is where I feel closest to my husband. I speak about my husband often (as do my friends and family), I have found that I avoid dating although companionship with men and women is fun...although we are all different, I have found that I do not want to erase the memories of my life with my husband by spending time with another man. It is not avoidance but, I think an acceptance of my new life and the balance I like that keeps Mel with me. I did find that starting an antidepressant a year ago has helped (Lexapro in my case)...the anti-depressant helped to give me a bit more energy and focus but I feel I was still able to process thoughts and emotions... it has been comforting to read how each of you are doing as we continue to survive and move along ... many of you have been a special, although invisible, support group over the nearly three years.
Comment by mixelated 10 hours ago
I think I was doing better in the spring and early summer. Now that the days are getting shorter, I can feel my mood and ability to withstand despair declining. Or maybe it's the approach of the holidays and the three-year mark of loss. I don't know. I'm considering an antidepressant so that I can keep focused and working, and keep being supportive of my youngest, who has really been struggling with depression this year. How well are antidepressants working for those of you who are using them?
Comment by Evolving 12 hours ago

Sorry N, my autocorrect keeps changing your name to Hardly!!  

Comment by Evolving 12 hours ago

Thank you very much to each one of you, Nieta, Hardly and CathyBoo, for taking the time to share a little bit of your story.  I can definitely relate to what each one of you expresses!

Cathy, what you said about the future ("like a foreign concept") is exactly what I feel, but had not been able to put into words!  I am relieved to learn it is not just me; it helps to realize I can stop being frustrated by my inability to come up with any plans or ideas for this future I cannot yet picture.

Nieta, I am intrigued by the letter exercise you mentioned.   Although I have written countless letters to my husband (during the first year, I wrote to him at least once a week and it helped!) it never occurred to me to imagine what he'd write back.   I think I will try that!

Nardly, I'm afraid I know exactly what you are experiencing regarding your mom and the way you've been feeling. :(.  Right after my husband died, my mom's cancer took a turn for the worse.  She was 95; had to be in the hospital several times, slowly losing her energy and her will to live, until it got to the point where she was asking daily, "When is this going to be over? When can I finally rest?"  (She died 5 months after my husband.)   I admit some days I was asking myself the same question, wondering: what meaning is there in just waiting to die?  :(.    All through her ordeal, I was like a zombie, unable to function, re-living my grief, soldiering on only because I have three children in college who depend on me.   

Looking back at those first few months, I do realize things have improved a great deal. Sure, there are days when I feel as though I were back in "square 1" grief-wise.   But reading your comments made me aware that in the past few months I have even managed to enjoy listening to music again, particularly the songs that he and I shared, so I am hopeful that you, too, (in your own time) will be able to recover that joy.

Again, thanks to all of you for sharing your time and your experiences!  it does help!

Comment by Nieta 13 hours ago

Hi Nardly,

Some days/moments are still better than others but I try my best to go forth on my altered journey. 

Earlier this year, I read a post from someone whom had attended a grief group therapy session.  The participants were asked to write a letter to their departed spouse, which I've heard of before, but they were also asked to write a letter back as if it were from their spouse.

I've only thought about the letter he'd write to me and what he'd say.  I could imagine him writing that he was sorry that our time here was cut short and that it was beyond his control.  He'd also write that he wanted me to be happy and that, while he knew it wasn't going to be easy for me, that I should try my best to be happy.

There are times that I sense him communicating with me through the things I come across, read, hear and. that makes me smile.  It kind of reminds me of when we'd watch TV together and he'd say, "Oh that's you!" about something that an actor said in a show and, we'd both knowingly laugh.  I would do the same about characters that would do or say something that was characteristic of what he would do or say. 

I also try to remember that I'm not just going forward for my own sake but for those who need/depend on me.  My parents for instance, are in their mid to late 80s and have physical limitations.  I live in a different state and neither of them could make it to my husband's funeral or memorial service.  I cannot move to where they are because I must earn a living where I am but, I visit more frequently and am there for them when they need me.  Both my husband and my only sibling (a brother) are in Heaven so, to the best of my ability, I try to make sure I am there for them and that they have what they need.  No choice but to go forward...

Comment by Nieta 17 hours ago

Thank you Cathy,

Please accept a big virtual hug from me as well.


Nieta (a.k.a. Patrick's Maria)

Comment by CathyBoo 20 hours ago

Hi Nieta and Evolving,

It has been almost 2 years on November 23th that my husband passed away suddenedly and I agree with you whole heartedly...I struggle on a daily basis to keep moving forward with my grief.  The crazy emotional rollercoaster seems to be further apart, but it is still there. I still forget sometimes that Steve is not here and I pretend some days that it is not true.  When it hits, it hits hard and just sucks! I seem to go back to the fog stage and have a really hard time focusing.  I miss him more as each day passes.  Both my dogs are now in heaven with Steve, so I do not even have them to hug, I miss all the hugs from the three of them. I will always love my husband and never not be sad that he is not with me as I grow older. The future seems like a foreign concept most days and somedays it is just too much to bare, so I too stay to myself because that is all I can handle at that time.

I have realized that I do not have the every forget, not talk about, or remember my family, ever! I am learning to walk with my grief and happiness at the same time. Steve, Mischeif, and Smokey will forever be part of me because I am part of them and will love them until I am with them.

Hugs to both of you!  I get it and wish comfort for all the widowed people in this widowed village.


Comment by Nardly 20 hours ago

Hi all. I haven't been here in a while and after reading the last 3 posts thought I would chime in. 

Evolving, we never get over it, we move forward. My daughter reminded me of that about a year and a half after my wife died. Nieta put it very well. And I will say this. I am not the same person I was before my wife died. I find I don't listen to music like I used too. I don't watch movies. I guess deep down I feel I'm not supposed to be happy? My Mom is 87 and has been in and out of the hospital since March. I find I'm reliving a lot of what Van and I went through with her ALS. Then when I visit her at the nursing home and rehab facilities I'm looking at myself in 15-20 years. People just waiting to die. I quit seeing my psychologist a few months ago and cut my anti-depressants in half because I thought I was getting better but now I don't think so. Maybe I need to go back. I just feel like why bother. Nieta, you sound like you're doing really well. And Evolving and Shantelle, I'm right there with you. Take care everyone.

Comment by Nieta 22 hours ago

Hi Evolving,

It's been over 3 1/2 years since I lost my husband and, while I am better able to cope with things, I miss him all the time.  I know that losing my husband is not something I will ever get over because one cannot simply get over someone who has become a part of them.  Moving forward in your altered journey also does not mean getting over. 

There are still some days when I don't really like to leave the apartment and simply need some alone time.  I don't want to hear from or talk to anyone and I don't want to see or be seen by anyone.  I am fortunate to have good friends and I do go out and enjoy things with them.  I also go out enjoy things on my own.  I've traveled, gone to movies and shows, etc. both with friends and on my own. 

Moreover, I often speak of and refer to my husband because, despite his physical demise, he continues to live in my heart mind and soul and I don't consider that to be a bad thing.  If others do not understand or accept that, that's their issue.

Wishing you strength, courage and peace of mind in your journey.


Comment by Evolving yesterday

Hello!  I decided to join this site (and this group) after visiting my husband's former office to run an errand yesterday, and suddenly realizing that even though 2 years and 7 months have passed since his sudden death, I am still not over the loss, and may never be fully "over it."  :(.    I am embarrassed to talk about him and how much I miss him to most other people, because I suspect they cannot understand why I can't just "move on."  I think I needed to be among others who know why this is so hard, why I still sometimes wake up feeling down, etc.

Ashjannoel, I really do hope you get to go out on Friday and manage to experience joy!  


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