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Widowed in 2015

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Comment by Mrs. M. on October 27, 2017 at 8:33am

Difficult times. The days are grower shorter, nights longer. Winter has arrived. Its dreary and cold. Typically I would be planning a vacation to a sunny destination with my husband. He would be immersed in every last detail of the trip and I would be researching the “points” system on how to make it most affordable.  Those days are gone and fast approaching is the anniversary of his passing and the dreaded holidays.  I do not celebrate the holidays any longer. I sit quietly listening to others’ stories as my mind and heart wander aimlessly - missing him. I am approaching the 2 year mark. As I have read on here “the realization that the best part of my life is now over” hits me.  It’s true. 

I am not yet capable of discarding any of his things. During the first year I had to “erase” parts of him from my life just to get legal and file taxes. (e.g., change title on home, autos, etc).  I have to forgive myself for that.  I do not want to erase my husband..ever.  Our adult children have less compassion and have decided I will never “be fixed”.  Guilty.  There are no active groups near me. 

Like you, Bundles, there is no enjoyment in food.  I eat for sustenance only.  I read a lot. Newspapers, books, anything I can get my hands on.  I find myself binge watching Netflix and Hulu as well.  

I have no interest in dating..but would enjoy some company. I miss my husband! It. Just. Sucks.

Comment by Bundles549 on October 25, 2017 at 11:45am

So, I guess I'm in Year 3 now. What's been different for you in Year 3? So far, I am trying to declutter, have made an infinetessimal dent in handling Al's stuff. I managed to find some videos and books and paperwork to throw away, like real estate books that I have no attachment to. I'm not attached to his real estate career. Still have most of his clothes, books.

I find myself thinking about dating, but not wanting to go hunting. I'd rather wait for Him to find me. He's gonna need references! I listen to the single men that are my patients...they're all staying home in their little caves and the women they meet are aggressive, have their own hidden agenda, it's not as simple as when you're a teenager and it's all about the hormones.

I even feel different about my art right now, and my letter writing. I do less of it and I do more binge watching on Netflix and Hulu. Absolutely no interest in cooking and no enjoyment of food. Eating way too much crap! As I watch the days get short and it gets dark earlier, my energy level is sinking. This is not my best time of year anyway, but if Al had been here, I would have distracted myself with watching the cooking shows on tv, doing some baking, and we might have taken a little road trip on an October weekend. But all of this is so, so IN THE PAST! I almost feel like giving awayall my books and art stuff, and the cooking stuff because it's just not calling to me right now.

Comment by solamente mio on October 17, 2017 at 4:27pm

Terry-  I saw your post come into my e-mail last week and as I read it, I just said oh do  I understand. There have been those times when something inside has said well, so much for grow old with me , guess you'll be doing that alone.  These thoughts just come out of the blue while you think your doing your best to move along.  no rhyme, no reason.  Just acknowledge and soldier on, its the only path ahead.  just do your best to dodge those snarky thoughts out of the blue.  I keep trying.....

Comment by Bundles549 on October 11, 2017 at 6:23pm

Lovely stories, Nieta!!

Comment by Nieta on October 11, 2017 at 1:23pm

Comment by Nieta 1 hour agoDelete Comment

Hi Bundles,

The visual I extracted from your furry kid scenarios gave me a much-needed smile today.  It also triggered memories of our own furry kid, Tazzy.

Tazzy, was the proverbial "doggy in the window."  My husband and I had attended the wake of a friend's father and, on our way back, we stopped into Port Jefferson and saw him play-fighting in the window with a pug dog.  We went in and, after I played with him a bit, my husband asked me if I wanted to take him home.  I hadn't expected that, and could not believe he meant it.  After thinking about it for about 2 seconds, I looked at our pup and said, looks like you're coming home with us little boy. 

Tazzy was a West Highland White Terrier and all boy!  He was very alert on the car ride home and he headed straight for a ball we had in our living room for the pups that lived at my in-laws' place when they came to visit.  It was as if he were saying, "I'm home!" and we could not imagine life without him after that day.  It's funny that my husband said he got him for me so that I would not be lonely when he was traveling on business, because that little guy was my Mr.'s mini me.  They'd nap together, play together and eat together while watching sports on TV.  He was, however, mommy's boy when he had a belly ache or did not feel well.

Both my boys are in Heaven now and, I'm the only one that remains of our little family but I suspect they peek in every so often and look after me until it's my turn to join them one day.

Thank you for making me smile and for triggering such wonderful memories.


Comment by Nieta on October 11, 2017 at 9:22am

Hi Terry,

Just a brief note to clarify that I did not overlook the thought that popped into your head.  You simply reminded me of a better spin on that thought and I hope that it will insert a more pleasant ear worm.

You're right, things will never be the same, as our lives/paths have been altered.  However, we can honor the memory of those who loved us for the rest of their lives by exhibiting the positive influences that they contributed to ours.  Their impact has a way of shining through us in ways we may not even realize and, it is the very part of them that continues to live as long as we are breathing.

Wishing you a beautiful day!

Comment by Bundles549 on October 11, 2017 at 9:21am

Nieta, the furry kids do their best to take care of me! The one who was "his" and would not allow herself to belong to any other, has taken me over, but still only on HER terms. MY boy is not too happy about the way she barges in and takes over his space with me! It all keeps me going...

Comment by Nieta on October 10, 2017 at 4:56pm

Dear Terry,

That thought that torpedoed its way into your brain reminded me of a sign I saw in a gift shop one day after I lost my husband.  Here is that sign...It's a little small but it reads:  "I can't promise that I'll be here for the rest of your life, but I can promise that I'll love you for the rest of mine."

Comment by Terry on October 10, 2017 at 3:57pm
Every once in a while when things are going along fairly smoothly, it seems that we get a bit of a reality check just to remind us of what we are dealing with. Tonight as I was changing from day clothes into something more comfortable and relaxing, a thought torpedoed it's way into my brain before I could even realize what was happening. That thought which seemed like a little voice said something along the lines of 'that was so nice that you were able to be there for the rest of your wife's life. Too bad there is no one to be there for yours'. I think I actually said 'where the f___ did that come from'. Another one of those trap doors we hear about reminding us that things will never be the same again.
Comment by Nieta on October 10, 2017 at 12:20pm

At this stage of the game if anyone asked me those types of questions, I would simply ignore them and pretend I did not hear.  If they persisted, I would excuse myself and leave.  On the phone, I would simply say I had to go.  

Sometimes people are at a loss for what to say and, while well-intentioned, they say or ask the wrong things.

BTW, your family sounds beautiful.  Furry kids definitely count!


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