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  • Anaheim, CA
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AlanRRT's Blog

Five years

Posted on March 22, 2017 at 5:00am 1 Comment

My grandmother died in March.  My mother died in March.  As bad as those were, they don't hold a candle to my wife, Elaine, dying in March.  I get to the end of February and wish I could go to bed and wake up and it's April 1.  That's never going to happen, so I have to feel the pain.  These last few years have taught me that the pain has to be felt, there is no way around it.  There are self-destructive ways to mask the pain, but all that does is postpone it.  The pain has to be felt in…



Posted on April 22, 2016 at 9:14am 0 Comments

It's been a bit over four years for me.  Today, I was thinking about what I regret about being married to Elaine. All of my regrets have one thing in common, that they are about the things we never got to do.

Elaine was afraid to fly.  I should say terrified, she wouldn't even talk about it, and shut down when I brought the subject up.  That meant that all our travels were only as far as we could drive.  She got over that, and shortly before she died she flew to Arizona to visit her…


Four years

Posted on March 22, 2016 at 6:26am 6 Comments

Although it seems like a lifetime ago, it was four years ago today that my world turned upside down.  March 22, 2012.  The day I came home from work and tried to wake up my Elaine to have dinner, only to discover that she wasn't asleep.  The day everything in my life changed.  The day my life went from stable, happy, full of love and joy and adventure to this dark journey into pain.

For about the first two years, the only constant in my life was change.  Now, life is settling down. …


Some thoughts on getting married again

Posted on March 23, 2015 at 10:31am 9 Comments

So I made the plunge and got married again.  I didn't feel the need that I had to be married, but I was open to it.  I'd been through a bad marriage, I'd been through a wonderful marriage and I knew which one I preferred, and I wasn't settling for anything less than wonderful.

I met Glory (current wife) and we hit things off right away.  It wasn't always perfect, there was a lot that we had to work out, but we did and we ran away to Hawaii and got married after going together for a…


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At 8:54am on January 27, 2014, Spazzola (JohnLee) said…

Thanks Alan.  Let me know when the next get together is and I'll do what I can to make it.

At 7:41am on September 20, 2013, my roses said…

my roses  in Australia

Oh Alan read your story and all the 'foggy' moments you experienced.  The declaration of your love and how it will always be there. Yes I have been there (my husband passed away in Jan 2013.) I have never been so foggy, so exhausted, in so much pain.  I saw my heart like a heart with a cupid's arrow through it. (The great love) then I saw the arrow had an edge like a saw.  This was the pain, and drops of blood were falling. Our wedding anniversary was 7th Sept. I could not stay in the house, went out with 2 friends, they were concerned by my non-functioning brain.   I could drive a car but not know where my house keys were, could use my computer but found it difficult to talk.  Chaotic  and so  tired... but managed to get through the day without crying.

Also went through seeing my husband carried out in a plastic bag (he died at home) and the Coroner going on and on about 'stuff' 'and  questions .... My love left around 5.15 am and they did not take him until 6 pm at night.  No one should have to lose the love of their life and be alone with all this pressure and heartbreak in just one day. You can feel sort of numb but that soon wears off.  So many of us feel that love never dies, we will always love them and long to see them.  I agree about websites, the others I looked at were hopeless.  One example; Light a memorial candle on the website ???  So what does that do... we need human contact, discussion and love.

At 3:55am on April 23, 2013, JPSwifeCathy said…
Praying for you today
At 10:54am on April 1, 2013, Joy said…

Alan, just read your story.  It was very meaningful, touching and an encouraging open letter.  You have written so many of the feelings we have all felt and or are experiencing.  I sincerely appreciate your sharing.  You are right, somehow we have to find out who we are, like ourselves and rebuild.

At 11:05pm on March 23, 2013, JPSwifeCathy said…
I just read your blog--you just had the 1 year anniversary !'. I'm so sorry for the pain!! I find it SO amazing--God put you on my mind--to write you after I reread my message from June 2012 from you! GOD'S love for US!! He knows you're hurting Alan! And we get to see Elaine & John again!!! HE IS RISEN! Cathy. My 1 yr SADiversary is coming up April 25!
At 10:45pm on March 23, 2013, JPSwifeCathy said…
Hi Alan, I just wanted to say thankyou once more, I just reread a post you sent to me encouraging me!(June 2012) You said " you had 3 monthes to GRIEVE" but in retrospect I realized I actually began grieving when John was diagnosed::;(. So my sad journey began 1 yr 4 mps earlier when he was first diagnosed !
How is your journey now? Cuz I'm not the only one who is hurting !
I'm better---can't wait till I see him again one day in HEAVEN! Cathy
At 11:07pm on January 20, 2013, Kimsmonkey (Patty) said…

Thank you Alan for your help....God knows I need it right now.  I know you get it.

At 11:48am on January 11, 2013, Morgana (Janet) said…

Happy Birthday and have fun.

At 4:00pm on December 4, 2012, Lori said…


At 7:58am on August 23, 2012, Sharon said…

Hope that this week's return to work has brought some little joyful surprises. I've said a prayer or two for you. Appreciate my new Wvill friends!


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