But there have been strangers who became friends, because they showed more caring and kindness to my children and I, than those who should have. In the end, those who count in our lives now are still here...I refer to this as the shake and bake life. Shake up our lives, then when it has settled, those who stick to us, are stuck with us ;)
Brandee999, My husband's family were the worst when it came to caring about his daughters or myself during the first, second or sixth of any special day. It isn't a reflection on you or your daughter's. Some are lucky to have their spouse's family for support. I was not. As the days, weeks and months went by, those few who my husband thought would be there for me, had no problem in treating us as if we never existed..then there were those who feigned caring in order to inflict pain with words later down the road. I know not how your husband's family was before your loss..but this stands true no matter ...Your true family and friends will be by your side once all the others fall away. My children felt the pain of this behavior, and as their Mom, it angered me. I communicated this to my daughter's , you cannot control how people react, you can only control how you respond. I keep a smile on my face, but when given the chance to express how their behavior was received, the few I got the chance to were oblivious to our feelings. I was talking to a brick wall. I have had 6 years to wise up about people. The impact it has had on my children has evolved over time.
Oh, Brandee, my heart aches for you. I lost my husband of 30 years six months ago, and I remember those early days. Every second was torturous, and the to-do list was long and overwhelming. This site has been one of my most important supports--I still come here multiple times a day to find support and sympathy from people who really understand. Take the days moment by moment. There is no need to go any faster than that. After a while the to-do list gets smaller, and the moments between waves of grief get longer. I can't say that it gets better because I'm still too new myself. But it does change over time. Unfortunately there's no way to speed up the process. You CAN make it worse, though, if you try to squelch your grief. So, cry, sob, vent to others here, and breathe. ((((Hugs)))) and prayers.
It took my daughters and I almost 5 years to pull through it all. Every time they saw other kids with their fathers, mine felt jealousy, the pain of loss, anger. Believe it or not, PTSD is real for this type of loss. Your grief, and your childrens will go through stages. I don't know if you are open to or able to go to grief counseling, but I believe it can help all of you. I didn't. We did it on our own. While we got through it, it was the blind leading the blind.
While time heals the wound, the loss you feel changes you. You are now dealing with so much more, where before you had your partner. You may also be more vulnerable to people telling you what is good for you and your children. Grief is nothing to be ashamed of. People don't know how to handle people who are grieving, and some may fade from your life, or others may verbalize that you should be over it (ex: after 6 months).
I was taken advantage of by family, friends, lawyers, investors etc. There weren't sites like this back then. I wish I knew then what I know now.
Brandee999, (((Hugs))) to you. My husband of 12 years passed away 6 years ago. My daughters were 6 and 10 then. My youngest had celebrated her birthday 11 days before he died. It was an aortic tear, totally unexpected. He went in to the hospital on 25 June and died 29 June after his life support was removed.
Picking up the pieces is going to take you a lot of time. While I understand why your Mom is telling you to keep it together, it is not helpful during the very beginning of your grief. You daughters are in a world of hurt too...and all of you will go through your grief in your own way. But you need to grieve in a healthy way. Talking, sharing, hugging, crying, remembering, you and your girls should be able to do it for as long as you need to. People who haven't experienced this loss rarely say what you need to hear. This is a long journey..I still have moments where a memory brings me to tears.
Welcome Brandee9: I'm sorry for your loss but I'm glad you found your way to this site. I hope you will find the same comfort and understanding here at Widowed Village that I have. In the beginning I just read the blogs and posts and lurked in chat. Post and join in chat when you feel comfortable. It is nice to be among people who "Get It"