"I am at 6 years and find that the pain and loneliness are worse than ever. Over these years I have made some major changes - sold all of Charlie's things and our farm home, moved to Florida. I thought this condo would be my forever home, but…"
Julie - I am so glad that you have family support, even if they are not that close geographically. It might be good for a while for your mom to move in, but do try it first. I took care of my dad for 8 months in my house and it was difficult. And you are right - children are not always a blessing! But it's good to have family, at least by email and phone.
As much as I wanted to die and not live without Bruce, I also knew he would have wanted me to live. I had two people on this site who wrote me constantly to make sure I didn't do anything. So glad you had someone that helped keep you alive. Charlie wants you to live too. It's hard to live without our loves, but it is honoring them to stay alive and work on causes that are meaningful. In your case, working on organ donors and transplants is a good place. It's funny, but the only cure for Bruce's disease was a transplant but it was never pursued. That's one of the issues I want to raise with his dr...Won't bring him back, but I can't let it go without trying to get some answers.
It has only been 6 months for you and I only know I was still a mess at 6 months. Don't be too hard on yourself, but depend on any support you can find. It's been 13 months for me. We are heading into the holidays which are the worst. Be with family if you can. I will need to depend on friends to adopt me for the day. My sister is in Idaho and I won't see my daughter.
Hope you enjoy your time in Dallas. I just looked at a map and I never realized where Iowa was - Quite a ways, but would make a nice road trip maybe. And maybe do me some good to get away from here. Perhaps it will work out in Spring. I'm sure you're used to snow, but snow is not my friend.
Here is my private email if you'd rather correspond this way: [email protected] and my phone is 206-842-6334, if you ever need to talk. I have free long distance so I could always call you back. I'm probably one of the last to not have a cell phone!!
Take care of yourself, please and do let me know when you get back home. Want to make sure you are all right. BTW, what city or town are you close to? ~ CJ (Carole)
I certainly don't know alot about farming and you have opened my eyes about it. I can't even imagine 500 acres! Can I come visit you?? Personally I think it is wonderful to have that much open space, even if rented, but I can understand your isolation, no kids, etc. It's tough when you are so alone. One other thought I had was relating to county regulations. Again, only speaking from Washington, but we have designations within the county that allows us to designate our property for special purpose, i.e. forest, farm, conserve, etc. In fact, some of our land was designated as a "tree farm" and Bruce's family were members of the National Tree Association. Anyway, once designated, there is a property tax break but it's not that easy to change it back, so that when you are gone, your heirs can't "un-conserve" it...Might want to look into that.. Or you can designate it so in your will.
We are about the same age, I think. Were were married in 1969, one adult child who is an absolute "drama queen" which doesn't help me. What saved me in the end were my friends, my support systems and my work (accountant)... But I was in a very deep depression for over 8 months and suicidal the whole time. I really hope you are not in that place - it's dark and miserable, but if you are, get help. I had a very compassionate doctor and counselor, support group and a good group of friends. Bruce's family ignored me after his death (and continue to do so) so there is no family support other than one sister and my daughter. Besides working, I'm trying to get involved with foundations relating to his disease - pulmonary fibrosis, and treatment options to make sure others get the best treatment. Still miss him desperately and still cry and know things will never be the same, but now can dream about him without remembering him gasping for breath..
How are you really doing these days? Others don't really understand, and this is a great place to link up with others who are in the "club".. What support do you have, if any?? We really need to help each other in any way we can. Please keep in touch and let me know how you are. I care.
Julie - I see you are from Iowa.. Long way from me. I am on a small island west of Seattle. My husband and I owned 10 acres of forest land, adjacent to 30 acres owned by his family. The acreage was between two public conserved forestland called the Grand Forest. There is a group on the island called Bainbridge Island Land Trust who work to secure conservation easements and purchase of desirable property for public conservation and passive use - i.e. trails. If interested in the group, see www.BI-landtrust.org. Hilltop is the name of the property the family held and sold last year to the Trust. After my husband died, I knew I could not stay there. Not only were there many memories (35 years), but it was secluded and 1/2 mile from any neighbors, so I felt for security reasons I should leave. After moving, I worked with the land trust to come up with a reasonable price and sale agreement so that my land would be added to the conservation of the Hilltop property. I took less money than I could have gotten by developing the land, but I wanted it conserved. There is a possibility of a charitable donation for the difference in sale price and market value, but my main interest was in not seeing the land destroyed for condos. Now, with the two parcels of the Grand Forest, there are over 280 acres of conserved woods and forest, with trails, etc. These trails are used by many every day and enjoyed. There will be retreat centers in the future, and use of an old barn for community groups, i.e. scouts, 4H. I have installed a bench on one of the trails and was able to incorporate some of his ashes into the concrete pad the bench is on. So that is the story. There are these land trust organizations all over, and there may be something in Iowa, or perhaps a state fund or preservation. BTW I read some of your comments etc. and I also wonder about the treatment my husband had and realize that I have to pursue this to give me some closure. So many questions and wonder if different treatment, would he still be here. For a start, I am getting his records. I wish you the best and may you have peace and hope.~ CJ
Julie, sorry I missed you on Monday, too self-absorbed I guess. Belated anniversary hugs.. I knew we shared this date too.
I wish I was able to dream of Joe , but have had no such luck. No dreams at all. You are so very lucky to be able to see and be with Charlie in your dreams. I wish fir you a million more of them...
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Welcome to the site....you will find comfort and understanding here. My name is Carol...I lost my husband on march 22.....very close to your loss. I understand alpha-1 anti trypsin disease as I am a respiratory therapist. I am so sorry you had to experience Thais.......it is difficult being the caregiver.....my Denny died of malignant melanoma...4 years after diagnosis. Feel free to message me if you need to chat.
Welcome CharliesGirl: I'm sorry for your loss but I'm glad you found your way to this site. I know you will find the same comfort and understanding here at Widowed Village that I have. In the beginning I just read the blogs and posts and lurked in chat. Post and join us in chat when you feel comfortable. It is nice to be among people who "Get It"
I'm so very sorry for your loss, CharliesGirl, but glad you found us. There is caring support and friendship here. Here's a good place to start: Basic Site Info
Join the Groups that fit you to connect to others with similar experiences. Take a look at our Forum discussions where you'll find meaningful conversations taking place. Those 'chirps' you hear when you're in Widowed Village mean people are talking in the Chat Room; stop in some time and join the conversations. I look forward to getting to know you here.